19 February 2009

And, it is February

Every year I think February can't possibly be that rotten this year, and yet February always is.

On the 14th of February 4 years ago I was told Uzi's body had been found. I'd never been keen on Valentine's day before, now it doesn't stand half a chance. So I hid at home and swallowed vast amounts of Sex And The City and when I resurfaced I still had half a month to go, plus the funeral anniversary tomorrow, which is also the last time I set foot in Israel - my Israel, which I feel slipping further and further away from me too. February is the month that slowly slithers all over you, oily and unbearable, and I always hope for something different, and something different never comes. I briefly chatted with a friend a while ago and she said I'll catch you later, am late for my priapism meeting. And that is exactly what February is - a huge, unwanted, annoying boner that just sits there, causes you considerable aggravation and WILL NOT GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I've been able to fight it so far and keep a stiff upper lip but I'm all out of faith, so today I officially give up. It is February. All I want to do is curl up with a book and fluffy series until March but it's not to be so I'll just accept the vast shittitude of things in all directions, February is and always will be a mindfuck, and I need to clamp my mental jaws on the fact that Spring is around the corner and this too shall pass.

13 furballs:

treppenwitz said...

Not that you asked for it, but my advice is to plan a trip to Israel. It doesn't have to be this month... or even this year. Just pick a February at some point in the future and make a plan. You'll stay with us. You'll tour. You'll visit your old kibbutz and make a little peace with your ghost.

I'm not suggesting (G-d forbid) that you create new memories of Israel in order to push aside the memories of your Uzi. Rather I'm suggesting that you need to get some balance in this part of the calendar, and the best way to do that is to do something positive in a place that deserves to be more than just a sad memory association.

Feel free to hit delete. I needed to say it, but you certainly have every right to ignore it.

Kristin said...

Sorry February is sucking as badly as ever.

Anonymous said...

i woke up this morning from some nightmare, with my teeth and jaw hurting for most of the day, i was clenching them so hard. now i know why. then read in Time Out Amsterdam, that there was a Feb. in the 50s or 60s when for the ENTIRE month the good people of Amsterdam, did not see the sun because of ever penetrating fog. i was not surprised.
all of this is to say, hang in there, Johnny.
K., waiting for March with you

JoeinVegas said...

Yes, Spring flowers will come again.

Anonymous said...

Oh, DAMN. I should have read your post before we talked. At least I would have noticed the date.

Thank you for calling me about Minou amidst your grief, dear. You're a wonderful friend.

Dexter Colt said...

Hey pretty. Just wanted to tell you to hang in there. You've got the wisdom of Solomon, so nothing I can't give you any good advice. Luckily February is the shortest month of the year.

Anonymous said...

I don't like Feb. either. It's like winter has almost given up but wait! no! It's decided to sucker punch you straight in the nose instead. Feb. can't be over fast enough.

Hugging you from here.

And if you're looking for something to bury yourself in, I recommend Robin McKinley's novel Sunshine. You might enjoy it.


Anonymous said...

February has been pretty sucky, I agree. I don't think it'll ever be over. Thinking of you. Oh, Nathan Fillion appears to be in anew series so maybe that'll be awesome.

Anonymous said...

It wasn't a very lovely time, was it.

Nikki said...

Glad February is over now. Miss your writing - hope all is ok.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Are you still kicking? It's officially spring now! Miss you.

Shari said...

I agree with Treppenwitz; overlay THAT February with events that give you reason to breath deep and be happy to be alive and living a full life.

My mom was recently widowed after 53 years of a happy marriage, and I see her going through that process. She's creating new experiences that will allow her to feel hope happiness, and joy, without forgetting Dad, which of course isn't possible.
Don't allow yourself to indulge anymore in that February gloom; it's not serving your interests.

Michael said...

"Black February" - Boris Pasternak