26 December 2008

At the core of all things

Today you died, 4 years ago. I have been thinking abt love, a lot. And salvation, how we are our own. How we cannot be others'.

A few months ago something really shocked me. I was half-reading Twitter and someone had written they needed more money and I replied she needed to dream well. This is one of my unshakeable beliefs: we shape our lives, daily. We decide, daily, how tomorrow is going to be. We decide which things we will allow, we will reject, we shape our futures with every breath. So I wrote back 'You need to dream well' and she replied no, if she came into money that would mean a death or something equally horrible had happened. And I don't know how to even begin chewing this bcs the visions of the future we have shape our lives and we do dream things into being, we do have that ability. By the same token, we ensure things will not happen, good things, by refusing to have the right sort of faith. We need to show Life exactly what we want, and need to believe that it is to be ours, and then it is. It is not simple bcs we very often refuse to believe it could be that simple, but every person has a particular sort of energy, every place does as well, and you decide, daily, what sort of energy you want to be surrounded by, you decide, daily, what Life you are building for yourself. And even though it isn't simple, it ultimately is: you dream it well, with goodness and courage and honesty, and it will come. The universe listens, if you're brave enough to speak and stand on the intangible.

Whenever I come across this view of the world I feel powerless and frustrated. Nevermind that they are adults, I want to save them from themselves, as it were. See, I am not very good at watching people drown, no pun intended. I am not very good at watching them struggle to find solid ground, even if theirs are the feet and the motions. I am not very good at it, no. That has caused trouble in the past and rightfully so; as my Tweedle would say, the leaf will fall from the tree when it's ready, and that's all there is to it. But ever since you were killed I feel it even more acutely, this need to save all things, to have you be the tiniest bit more undead.

I knew I loved you, but I didn't realise how much I absolutey adored you until you died, and part of my grief is fear that you may not have known, bcs you never took love for granted and never seemed to think you were fully worthy of it. I hope you know, I pray you know. I missed the chance to make it absolutely clear but you must have known, if not in life then after death, bcs what else explains your butterfly?

So yes, I am sad. I miss you still, and it is as painful as it is comforting. But it is no longer that ferocious pain that nearly made me mad with grief, it is a dull ache, an emptiness,that I've become accostumed to, somehow. And I almost want to apologise for having become used to your life but I know that is what you'd want for me, you are mine and always will be, and that is why, even though I am sad, even though I am crying, this is not a bad day. This day, my Tig, has been filled with love, the sort of love only someone like you could inspire, the sort of love I hope reaches you somehow, the sort of love that makes everything worth it.

And "Ally McBeal"'s just started, on the Portuguese telly, after what, a decade?, the very telly I haven't turned on in months. We used to laugh till we cried watching it on the kibbutz and I have not been able to watch it since but I just decided to turn on the telly and there it is. It breaks my heart, a lot, to be talking abt futures bcs you don't have one anymore, but know this: whatever future I carve for me, you will be in it, solidly. And I will always gratefully recognise the flutter of the wings announcing you, no matter what their shape.

8 furballs:

Udge said...

{{{ Johnny }}}

He is remembered.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, beautiful, you are such a beautiful person, such a beautiful spirit.

And Johnny, from everything you've told me, I think he knew.

xxoo
V

Kristin said...

I still remember reading about the butterfly. Through your memories, you have shared Uzi with us and we will also remember him always. {{{Hugs}}}

jbondsgirl said...

Remembering with you, my dear. And hugging you from across this ocean.

xo
Flicka

Anonymous said...

what V. said.
and of course, {{{{Johnny}}}}
K.

brooksba said...

Much love and hugs to you from the other side of the world. This was written beautifully and he is remembered. I never knew him, but your words bring him to all of us and I feel like I did.

Old Bald Helen said...

Thinking of both of you unforgettables.

greenduckiesgirl said...

Much love to you. I will always remember him.