04 April 2008

Name the madness

I was out of the house for 3 hours and they were... entertaining. Remember when Willow et al ended up in that parallel universe and she met her evil, cool-clad, lesbotronic self? Not much in common really but I thought of it so there must be some connection, however tenuous. I took the dog to the hospital on Monday bcs she'd managed to grow a lump behind her jaw overnight (rightly diagnosed by me as a simple hypertrophied retropharyngeal lymphnode - later discovered to be due to a cracked tooth - but even vet students develop arrythmias upon finding lumps in their pets) AND had bilateral conjunctivitis, worse on the left side bcs there was something imbedded in her conjunctive and what followed to remove it, topical anaesthesia and all, needs never be remembered.

[May I brag for one second? Back when she had her last epileptic fit the drs prescribed phenobarbital twice/day. We haven't studied epilepsy yet so I came home and gave her the first dose and then researched it, and I was not pleased bcs phenobarbital is not to be taken lightly, it may cause hepatotoxicity and the animal needs to be monitored and nowhere could I find an indication that somewehere else in the world someone would prescribe a dog that has only had 3 mild seizing episodes, spaced at 4/5 months intervals, with very short pre- and post-ictal periods, a drug of such disastrous side effects. So I gave her the second dose of the day and I thougth abt it and my antennae said DO NOT DO IT! and I trust my antennae, yes?, so the next day I started weaning her so I only gave her one pill and the next day another pill and that was it. When I took her in on Monday the dr. wasn't happy I had decided to discontinue the treatment bcs she felt Papoila might have partial seizures all the time and every time they do they lose brain cells due to ischaemia and she'd never seen a case of hepatotoxicity anyway. I told her I don't think she has partial seizures and I wasn't comfortable with phenobarb anyway for a dog with such mild, spaced seizures so for now I simply wanted to keep an eye on her. She may lose some brain cells, granted, but she has loads of those; she, however, only has one liver. I don't think this dr. is incompetent but I do think her approach here is overkill, and considering she's been practising for what, 4 years tops?, her never having seen a case doesn't reassure me much and I certainly will not have my dog be her first. The dr. who saw the dog today (whom my antennae say I can trust with more ease) asked me abt it as well and when I explained he said "But if the seizures are over a month-interval she should NOT be on phenobarb! I too wrote down that she should but I don't know what happened, I never do that!" - what happened was that her medical history had been taken down incorrectly by some colleague of mine, isn't taht lovely, that's one of the things we do during hospital rotations, we take down patient's histories and next time I'm there I'll get the file and correct it all myself bcs really? REALLY? But, you lot, I was right! There's hope for me yet!]

So there I am, at school, when I run into a colleague. The weather is gorgeous today [27ºC, bitches! 81F!] and I am wearing a t-shirt only. She takes one look at me and says At last, some boobage! And I say ...Wha..?! and she says Boobs, you've got boobs today! and I say I usually make it a point to not leave home without them and am quietly thinking WTF?! when she says Yes but we can see them now, your clothes are never revealing enough! and I say Oh I'm sorry, THAT'S CALLED WINTER! and she waves it away as she says Yes but women with small boobs need to work them more! and wow, and then she disappeared amidst a cloud of sulphur. And I stood there utterly flummoxed, asking myself Did she just say my boobs are small?!? The cow! BECAUSE, my boobs are not small! They might not be big but they're not tiny either and what sort of a conversation is that to have with someone anyway? [These are European standards, you understand, by North-American ones I'm bound to be "concave".] Just bcs my neckline doesn't plunge all the way to my navel even in Winter I need to be submitted to boob exposure advice? I'm 37 and was never a prude, am fully aware of how to flash my boobs, partially or wholly, I just choose to not have them slip out and rest on unsuspecting pets while I listen to their hearts, the bloody hell...? Plus, I am 37 and defeat the pencil test every single time, whereas if she doesn't start giving her chest some support soon she will end up being able to breastfeed her child while said child is strapped to her back, and she's boobing me? Wasn't that weird? Weirder still, the boobs she says she saw? Look:
A t-shirt with a round neck. Most revealing. I really don't understand. But the weirdness continued bcs I went to the big shop to get some Frosties [Cereal, with the tiger] and people kept staring at me. I did those quick checks but fly wasn't open, nipple wasn't showing, knickers were not waving to people as I walked by, the only thing I could think of is that I still look pale while so many of my fellow Porties have managed, in the one and a half day of real sun that we've had, to procure themselves a nice tan and look extra delicious. [It drives me to distraction, this, I'm not one of those blondes who tan super fast, it takes me a while, my Porties sit at an outside cafe for a few ours and presto, lovely glow.] Then again, maybe it was simply the sight of all that boobage on display, FREE AT LAST! I couldn't find the stupid Frosties and asked one of the workers, this tiny wisp of a Brazilian, who pointed me to the right aisle but they weren't there either. Then I realised he'd been calling after me so I died a little and turned around and said You know, if you go round calling women "Madam" in Portugal you won't last very long and the poor thing shrunk even further and actually looked a bit scared, also bcs I'm wearing my very cool shoes with the very high heels (Manuela, did you hear?) and that alone makes me taller than 90% of the population and at least as tall as so many of the men so I probably looked as though I could break him in half although, in truth, there is not one iota of strength in my body as proven by the 2 jars of smoked red peppers that I cannot open no matter how hard I try and yes, it shames me, but cow destroyed my strong wrist and it's not like I want to be this way you know but anyway it's very handy to be able to feel this wickedly tall when your inner bitch is slapped awake, what, first I'm flat-chested and then old, again, the bloody hell...?

But the best bit was this, I wore my fave jeans with that t-shirt and the jeans are low-cut and a bit of the belly sometimes shows when I move but look (the shoes!),
and I already knew that I'd lost those 10 kg/22 Lb or so that desperately needed to go away anyway but it's so good to realise anew that I have my body back, NO MUFFIN TOP, and granted, there is flesh, God help me there probably always will be flesh but flesh is alright, I mean, if someone needed to grab my hip for some reason you wouldn't want them to scream and pull their hand away and suck their fingers, right? Some padding is required out of neighbourly concern alone, blubber is love really.

22 furballs:

Anonymous said...

Personally, I think your boobs are magnificent. Your tshirt shots are awe-inspiring and jealousy-inducing.

So thre.

Lioness said...

God, V., if I didn't know it was you this would be a very awkward comment on its way to the little rubbish bin. Well, I saw yours too and ain't no pencil can beat them either. And your legs are hot.

So there.

La V. said...

So thre! ORPA! OIC!

Lioness said...

What else did we have? I know it wasn't just "ORPA" but I cannot remember any of the others.

And I knew, I just KNEW the typo would annoy you! :D

José said...

Eu sempre desconfiei que as mulheres tinham entre elas conversas estranhas, mas a este ponto!...
Por outro lado, é uma evidência a inferioridade social a que os homens estão progressivamente remetidos: se fosse um homem a ter esse tipo de comentário teria sido sanguinolentamente chacinado neste post (eventualmente de forma literal também).
Igualmente demonstra as (não tão) subtis diferenças entre géneros: está a imaginar um comentário semelhante de homem para homem, a propósito de uns jeans mais apertados, bem entendido?
10 kgs?! Não é muito?? Em quanto tempo??
Ah! Deixe lá os pobres dos brasileiros! Vêm para Portugal e a primeira que lhes dizem é para tratar toda a gente por Sr e Srª., porque os portugueses são muito formais. E somos.
Quanto é que mede, afinal de contas? (Sem high heels)

Udge said...

/me refuses to let boobage distract him from the fact that the Lioness has proven herself yet again to have hte makings of a good vet.

José said...

Dentro das diferenças culturais:
os termos utilizados na descrição em inglês acabam por ser algo anódinos... em inglês. Já na língua original a conversa teve de certeza um impacto mais forte.
Não é?

Dale said...

Oh. I did let the boobage distract me. Udge is a much better person than I; remember that. I was going to speculate that perhaps this person has been aching to see more of you all through the winter, you know, that you were confusing proximate or instrumental cause with whatever the other kind of cause is, I can never remember, but I realized in time that I was simply imputing my own unseemly and inappropriate yens to this no doubt perfectly innocent woman, and that I really ought go back and read the veterinary parts and pretend to be someone who exists on a higher plane, or at least visits one occasionally, wie unser Freund aus Stuttgart, but I suppose it's too late now. Oh well. Spring, glorious spring. xoxo

QuietusLeo said...

First of all, on the subject of boobs: As a certified boobologist I've concluded that it's the proportion that is most important and not absolute size. I quote astroboobologist Albert Einstein: "It's all relative, now pass the mustard damn you."
The proportions I see in the photos are exquisite.
Second of all, I don't think your patients care either way.
Third, neither do I.

Vaguely Urban said...

Excellent boobage, indeed! Especially given how trim you are.

If I had any vet skills, I would totally be a hypochondriac by proxy, imagining all sorts of things wrong with my dog.

JoeinVegas said...

I must agree with the guys above, what you have is very nice indeed. Ignore the cow. And the frizzy hair in the small pic - sorry, not allowed to say that? - anyway, nice look. Makes me too want to visit Portugal, but can't figure out how to do it without bringing my wife along.

Corvi, Corey, Crow and Maggie said...

Good day Lioness! I'm a newbie blog responder, so bear with me! I saw this comment about Udge in a previous blog.

"I was talking to Udge a while ago [i.e., I was rambling and he was laughing humouringly and saying Indeed] [happens a lot] abt the wonders of the internet.

I noted that because in my (one) very lovely conversation with Udge, it went much the same way. I rambled, he laughed and said indeed, and I was joyful and my thinking was productive and it was pretty darn wonderful.

I'm glad I got to meet you today, and hope that I will see more of you. But not too much more, cause then I would know you had been tempted into trouble, too.

I very much have enjoyed your blog and read more than I should have, cause I'm supposed to be doing something else.

Lioness said...

José, esta conversa não foi típica, nem por sombras. Falamos de coisas que vocês consideram estranhas de certeza mas isto foi surreal. E claro que os homens não falam dessas coisas se forem hetero, consigo imaginar alguns gays que conheço a dizerem coisas semelhantes, sim. 10 kg é muito, sim, mas estavam muito a mais, este agora é o meu peso normal, sempre foi. Não foi planeado, perdi 5 em 5 dias porque sentia tanto nojo (vide: defunto) que fiquei mesmo incapaz de comer, depois perdi mais 3 na outra semana, e depois o resto. Eu não estava a bater no brasileiro por ser brasileiro, batia na mesma se fosse um tuguinha. Mas isto de se ser "senhora"... Meço 1.72, e com aqueles sapatos 1.77, por aí.

Udge, good boy!

José, por acaso desta vez não, foi igualmente irritante e perplexificante nas duas.

Dale, she was not chatting me up at all, simply stating a fact. As it were. I'll never understand man, there's no boobage as far as I'm concerned, it's a plain white t-shirt with a round neck, dudes, mut be the Spring indeed.

Quietusleo, thanks. I think. But exquisite? Again, men are funny. You just are!

VU, oh the trim ends abt there, indeed. You know, I've only read you for a really short period but when I saw your comment I thought "How fitting that this is the post she sees first!" Don't even ask, I suppose what I mean is it felt like it would appeal to your sense of humour. Bcs I know you so well.

Joe, you know I wouldn't dream of meeting married men without their wives knowing so that works our just fine.

Corvi, hey! I KNOW, isn't he the best? I hope to see more of you as well, it was fun, but will give that old moderation concept a try. Has never really worked much for me but it has to, I need to finish this bleeding degree.

José said...

Ah! Mas não é uma maravilha haver sido necessário a conjugação de ter tido que perfazer os 37 anos e um brasileiro bem educado para lhe chamarem senhora pela primeira vez??
5 kg em 5 dias?! Livra! Isto é que é "metabolizar" o que lhe vai na alma!
Seja como for, se já achava que poderia acrescentar mais um aka a Lioness, o de lingrinhas, agora com menos DEZ kg... (just kidding...)
Embora tenha medo da resposta, a curiosidade mata-me: o que é o teste do lápis?

CarpeDM said...

Hee! Your boobs are lovely. And trust me, you would not be considered concave from an American standard.

Mine, however, made my roommate think I had left the house without a bra on today. Apparently I need a better support bra.

And yay you for being right!

Lioness said...

Ah, mas é que não foi a 1ª vez! Infelizmente. AInda me chamam "menina" mas é de vez em quando. Normalmente nem me chamam nada...
Pois foi, foi brutal, nunca tal me havia acontecido. Lingrinhas, mais um infelizmente, tb não sou, sou uma falsa magra. Meh. O teste do lápis é colocar um debaixo do peito e se ele lá ficar enfim, gravity wins.

Dana, I've seen the things that inhabit your streets, I think I just might! Your using an altogether wrong bra does not surprise me at all. You need me.

Chimmy's Ghost said...

You wrote a whole lot, but all I could see were boobs.

Oh, and I was prescribed Pentobarbital once. It is not just for dogs you know...

Long, old story...

Lioness said...

I buy a lot of my pets' medications at the chemist's actually, if not most even. Is it a good long, old story? Those are always welcome!

And it's funny how this sex division thing works, I truly would love to be a bloke for a day or so, I look at that picture and think Really? Obviously there are boobs since I'm female but not boobs in a way that I would expect to be of great interest. It's not a revealing photo, the t-shirt isn't sexy, my cup doesn't spill over - men are very easily entertained. Must be nice!

José said...

Não, a foto não é muito reveladora dos seus músculos peitorais, a t-shirt é sexy q.b., a foto não permite ver se há ou não algum spill over, as fotos no Flickr -que nem me tinha apercebido que existiam - visualizadas sustém a ideia de um volume agradável à vista e nada perto da "tábua de engomar" (embora também muito longe do standard "lavadeira do Douro", felizmente para si e a sua coluna), e é claro que boys will be boys... (onde me incluo evidentemente)
Agora... desde a adolescência que não passava tanto tempo numa análise crítica dos músculos peitorais de uma "miúda"... bless you!
5 cm de salto nem é muito, realmente. Provavelmente nem serão considerados verdadeiros high heels. Achava que estaria a exagerar, mas até talvez tenha razão: com 1,77m provavelmente estará nos 10% de portugueses mais altos.

Lioness said...

Ainda me estou a rir com o seu "bless you", teve graça. Mas é verdade, os homens são muito engraçados. E está a ver?? É para não ser incréu! E olhe que 5 cm de salto é muito, só me vale aqueles sapatos serem super confortáveis. Há sandálias que só uso quando sei que vou estar sentada - coisas de menina.

José said...

Anda a ler Gil Vicente??
Já me tinham chamado muita coisa.... agora incréu...
5 cm pode ser não ser muito, mas para mim seria de certeza... por vezes tenho inveja das mulheres que têm a habilidade de andar com high heels e ainda por cima com elegância! (algumas...) Claro que depois caio da cama abaixo e acordo.
Mas 5 cm não são mesmo muito, porque puxei da régua e fui medir os saltos de algumas colegas. Boa parte tinha mais de 9 ou 10 centímetros, algumas mesmo com 12 cm. E não eram sapatos de salto de estilete. O que um homem aprende por aqui...
14 inches será igual a 35 cm. Não sei se será o sonho ou pesadelo de alguns homens e mulheres, mas numa perspectiva mecânica intriga o que se poderá fazer com aquilo tudo. Claro que não deixará de provocar uma visita inspectiva abaixo do umbigo.

Lioness said...

Por acaso fui ver e afinal têm 8 cm. Bolas...! Não admira que fique gigante. Mas com estes não sinto incómodo, é engraçado.