01 April 2008

Mental

This is a post that shouldn't be written at all for a variety of reasons, the main one being my favourite category is back. Insomnia, I have it, and it is still as effective as ever in making me lose half my mind. [Another being that I actually have nothing of relevance to say but that doesn't seem to be stopping me much.] I'd forgotten how easy it is to go half barmy with lack of sleep but I made a discovery and maybe it's an old discovery, a re-visited discovery like bloody Brideshead as it were, maybe I knew it once but forgot bcs the Small Gods of Sleep sadistically nibble on the trunks in your memory attics - case in point, I couldn't remember how to write attic - it is attic though, right? -and they're never the ones with the penguins and always the ones with the bits you actually need. Did you know, sleeping poorly/little while still going to bed at normal hours doesn't compare to sleeping poorly/little while staying up until 4 and 5 am? I toss and turn far more, I wake up entangled in the duvet, I wake up in the middle of the night to take clothes off because all of a sudden I am hot and sweaty, I wake up in the middle of the night to put clothes back on bcs all of a sudden I have goose bumps, I dislodge the pets with my legs, my legs feel like they're a kilometre long and fit nowhere, I am woken up by the formerly dislogded pets reclaiming their place, nothing feels right, it all lasts a lifetime every night and I resent and dread my bed, which right now feels crowded and vast and on the prowl. I couldn't be bothered to attend the stable classes this week [horses] [God, horses], can't be bothered to do anything really and yet I find it hard to do even that (i.e. not do anything) bcs I feel hyper all the time, like I should be doing all sorts of fab things and holding brilliant conversations in dimly lit cafes, bohemian-like, or something-like at the very least. My head is always set at medium throb, my eyes feel heavy, my neck and shoulders are killing me and I in turn would kill for a deep-tissue massage, I'm too restless to read even after tiring myself out dancing to 80's music and salsa so I sit awake until 4 or 5 in the morning while the whole of Portugal sleeps peacefully (and most of Europe as well I should think), bored numb out of my effervescent skull, and half-watch series of the fluffy sort bcs anything more than that is much too much right now. It can't be helped bcs I am still fighting sleep and my voracious bed and do not want to take the sleep inducer, don't.want.to, and thus I resignedly await the time when, sure as bloody hell, my head will implode and I'll be turned into a blonde mockery of a Jivaro indian.

13 furballs:

QuietusLeo said...

Just for the record, I happened to be on line when you posted the original version. When it suddenly disappeared I thought I was halleucinating.
This version is better. Good editing job despite the lack of sleep (I know about that).
Now, If I could only figure out how to put you to sleep long distance....

Lioness said...

I always edit and re-edit until the post is quiet, and how long it takes it to be quiet depends but I don't think I've ever not done it. Some things should be there, some things should not and until it feels that all is as it should be it needs to be corrected, repeatedly. I'd be surprised if this were it actually. Quite OCDish but this is how I am with words.

If I break the pattern with a sleep inducer for a few nights in a row, and two nights should be enough for this degree of insomnia, I'll be back to normal but I always resist taking the Stilnox even though I know I should, even though I know I must, so here we are. Can't save those who refuse to be saved.

José said...

:(
Insónias desestruturam uma pessoa.
Raramente consigo dormir antes das 3 / 4 horas.
E também me recuso a tomar medicamentos. Prefiro chegar ao estado de exaustão que me leva à cama e ao sono.
Agora tenho mesmo é que experimentar a sua receita de dançar salsa... essa é que ainda não tentei. Também, com as minhas competências para a dança...
Gostaria, mas não tenho nenhuma receita mágica para a insónia que possa partilhar consigo.
Só mesmo a insónia crónica...
Bons sonos, mesmo que curtos.

Dexter Colt said...

Now, they say that some people experience sleep-eating episodes on Stilnox. That would end up being me.

Insomnia. I know it well. It seems like my body is only programed to sleep at (at most) 4 hours at a time. I go to bed an hour earlier- trying to get some extra sleep- and I end up waking up an hour earlier.

And, right when I feel like I've gotten to sleep...THE SCREAM OF THE ALARM CLOCK has me in a cold sweat.

Lioness said...

José, quando estava a fazer investigação para o doutoramento em israel e tudo corria mal começei a ter crises de insónia horríveis, uma por ano. Estupidamente, nos primeiros 2 anos esperei que se resolvessem sozinhas - e estou a falar de adormecer às 7 e 8 da manhã e forçar-me a acordar no máximo às 2 - e nem sequer me lembro como se resolveu a coisa mas foi à custa de muito sofrimento pessoal porque duraram mais de um mês. No terceiro ano a coisa foi de tal forma que um dia fui ao médico porque d repente começei a sentir o lado direito da cara anestesiado e a apanhei um susto, e isto passado quase um mês e meio de insónia má, do tipo de, pela primeira vez na vida ter pesadelos como nunca tive, necm com o Uzi, pesadelos que me faziam ter medo, medo a sério, de abrir os olhos quando acordava porque a realidade ficava completamente esbatida, e o médico perguntou-me se eu estava muito sressada e eu pensei "Não pode ser, não posso andar a fazer isto a mim pópria" e tomei a procaria dos comprimidos e em mais ou menos 4 dias voltei a adormecer a horas decentes, apesar de não dormir muito bem, e no dia em que decidi desistir do programa de doutoramento deitei-me e dormi que nem uma pedra pela primeira vez em 3 anos. Hoje tomo um stilnox nem que me mate, não pode ser, assim não consigo funcionar.

Chimmy, I am fortunate in that it really helps me to go to sleep and barring loud noises, light or the cats (blooody light sleeper I am) I actually stay asleep. The problem is, it takes only one night for me to spin out of control sleep-wise, actually not having slept makes it harder to fall asleep the next night and I so envy those people who can fall alseep anytime, anywhere, you know, those who are fast asleep even bfr the aeroplane has taken off, I honestly want to Thunderdome the tossers, how dare they. The one downside of living alone again is that I no longer have someone to very literally drag me out of bed every morning, duvet-clutching and all, and therefore school attendance is bleak. The sound of my mobiles going off in remote corners of the room so I am forced to get up to turn them off has reduced me to tears of utter despair more than once. People have no idea what it feels like, no idea whatsoever. The ability to sleep, and sleep well, is the ultimate gift.

José said...

Para quem começou um doutoramento, esta era mesmo a resposta que gostaria de receber.... ora, obrigadinho!.... :)
Mas como é que esteve num prog de doutoramento e agora está - tão sofridamente, ainda por cima - em Veterinária??????

Viscondantropólogessa said...

José - because she's a masochist, of course.

Johnny - "I'll be turned into a blonde mockery of a Jivaro indian." This, too, I'd like to use in my introductory cultural anthro class, in the section on situational identity. (Not in the same segment as the pregnant man-woman, clearly.) Do you think you could perform it at will?

Diana said...

Take. The. Damn. Stilnox.

Sounds almost as though your body and soul were afflicted with the mania that spring is to nature. GOGOGO! Too much to do can't sleep must mate and build and eat and birth and raise young and and and and....

Lioness said...

Ah, coitadinho... A única coisa que lhe posso desejar é que tenha um orientador decente, faz toda a diferença. (E em quê, se não é indiscrição?) Eu tenho algures no blog antigo um post sobre isso, mas basicamente fiz investigação em etologia, e no meio de tudo aquilo apercebi-me que mais do que estudar comportamento animal queria mesmo era tratá-los, e cá estamos.

V., The first version was "I'll be turned into a blonde, boobed Jivaro indian", but then I felt it might be a tad too much, the imagery nearly killed me. That first draft would be even better for you, surely. Am a natural. Give me some advance warning and I'll tinify my head to your students' content.

Diana, oh we'll have much to discuss this weekend! :D I will, tonight I will. AND STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, WOMAN!

Bossy lot, all of you.

José said...

Bom, como não cá qualquer curso sobre Jogo, como em Sociologia não estiveram interessados no tema, acabei em Turismo, numa Univ francesa, que ficaram deliciados com a originalidade do tema, (Jogo, bem entendido) já que não existe nada ainda em termos europeus, só nos USA. E eu, burro vaidoso, deixei-me ir e agora estou com o rabo rectangular de pesquisar na net a quase inexistente bibliografia sobre a matéria.
A originalidade quando é em demasia dá nestas coisas...
E para a semana tenho um encontro com o orientador, sem qualquer paper para lhe entregar.
E tenho que reaprender francês, língua que adoro mas que já não falo há 150 anos.
E com um post como o seu sobre os pesadelos e as insónias ainda fico mais happy, you know....
brrrrr.........

José said...

"blonde boobed Jivaro indian"... sem mais comentários....
o sono pode dar imagens muito... muito... enfim, mesmo muito

Udge said...

Listen to the Diana. She is a doctor person.

Lioness said...

José, a minha sugestão é que faça uma lista dos silverbacks do Jogo americanos e depois muito descaradamente lhes envie emails a pedir material, explicando que é Português, não há cá, etc. A maioria, na minha experiência, é muito prestável.

E olhe lá, não tem um doutoramentoinho para fazer? Acabe lá com os disparates e trabalhe!

Udge, Klappe halten.