10 March 2008

Soul itch

I woke up at half 5 and I can almost taste this Monday. Bitter twang, I'd say. Not sure what this day will bring, of course, but slightly wary of what it might. Pretend this is written in a foreign language bcs I am not even sure of what I want to say, this is the sort of post that is supposed to eventually tell me what is bothering me. [I hope Moshe doesn't crash before enlightenment, dahling Moshe now refuses to open any video files whatsoever and whirrs when I try, it whirrs, again with the fanny feeling.]

Being a ruminant on one stomach is not necessarily what I would choose to be if I were allowed to indeed choose, which I'm obviously not. [Not at all related to the Ex btw, circle's closed.] I have always trusted my antennae, they have yet to fail me - they may be dormant at times but when they speak it's not in tongues - but right now, when they talk at all they tell me things that seem contradictory. Or maybe they're not, maybe I just need to integrate it all and accept it only I cannot just yet bcs I am not even sure what it is I'm being told. I committed to the greys, I promised myself I would be more willing to see beyond B&W but where does the truth start and the mindfuck begin? I trust my intuition, I absolutely do, but I lack a protocol for when my intuition doesn't know what to make of it, it is telling me incompatible things at once. Maybe I'm the one unwilling to believe, only I'm not sure whether I'm trying to avoid the good that I sense or the bad that I already know. Or maybe they could coexist in someone else and I view them as incompatible bcs they would be, in me, only I am not all there is, but if I am being forced to something so extraneous and alien to me how could the outcome ever be a good one? If you ask me right now, RIGHT NOW, what my gut feeling is - I couldn't say. I can't say and I feel naked and powerless bcs I always can, regardless of what happens I always feel what is happening but now I am blunt all over and mentally wrapped in aluminium foil.

I have an inkling that the only thing I can do right now is to let it all brew, that information is being processed on several levels, that this is the culmination of something but blimey, it is uncomfortable, almost painful but not quite, and I fear the outcome bcs, see, I know what it is, God I now know what it is, how did I ever live without blogging, I NOW KNOW, the truth is something is bound to change in a near future, either bcs I change or bcs something else does and I fear the two possible outcomes, I am not ready for either, the good and the bad both frighten me, the bad will do me in further but there's completion in it, only it will be completion on empty of sorts, relinquishing the pretty patterns of air and dust but air and dust all the same, the good could be exquisite, the glimpses of good I've had have made it all much more tangible, I can almost taste it and God it's intoxicating even on a mere dermic level but the good harbours infinite potential within itself, infinite potential for inebriation and also the right sort of doubts and the wrong sort of perdition and why I even bother anguishing abt it all I'll never know bcs, honestly, I am what is most likely to change, I may already be changing and wow, funny thing, I just realised I don't want that either bcs that will bring it all to an end and having smelt the nectar and despite all I am unwilling, I remember p. 180, I do, and the Crowded House have just sung In a world without ends but there is no such world is there, so what I am is soul tired of it evolving, God, STILL evolving without ever having had a proper beginning, and how do you end that which never really started but is nonetheless very real without losing something, unsubstantial and yet vital?

Show of hands, everyone who thinks I should be studying acute renal failure instead. Yes, yes, off I go.

4 furballs:

Kath said...

That was beautiful, Lioness. You brew like no other. Hope to talk to you soon.

Diana said...

Hmmmmmmmm. Epiphanies of the soul vs acute renal failure. Tough one, that.

Intuition does get better with age.

As to the evolution of the thing with no begining, just a messed up middle and an end staring you in the face, what a strange mutant creature it is. No wonder it is what it is.

Udge said...

Big hugs.

And for the rest: 50.1% my dear, just get through the damned thing.

Lilian said...

Well, no, I'm glad you were blogging instead of studying. And I should be writing the dissertation due this Friday instead of reading. I guess we have something more in common besides the Portuguese and English languages and the year of birth ;-).