31 March 2008

Public (Health) Announcement

Johnny would like to thank you all for coming. Johnny would also like to take this opportunity to address a specific matter. It has come to her attention that she is being described in a certain manner:

To all those reading, let it be known that Johnny is very easy to chat up.

Johnny is a tad confused as to why she is all of a sudden being portrayed as being the free cervical sort. Upon some pondering, she may have pinpointed the culprits.
As an Anthropologist, Johnny understands the power of words and she realises that of such stuff legends are made; she once did refer to the whores that inhabit the woods and roads by her school and proclaimed soon being forced to join them. Her mentioning a certain Moulin Rouge-themed wedding and the need to attend in costume and her almost unseemly joy over that (and maybe the wig-trying as well) might have further helped assert this notion for corsets do beget wanton behaviour, and wanton behaviour in the presence of alcohol imbibement begets... experience. However, it must be noted that nothing protects her virtue more than the lisp she has reluctantly admitted to before, immediately brought upon by the consumption of any sort of alcoholic beverage - even those disguised as Mon Cheri [6 will suffice]. Or is it her aubergine-coloured toe nails? She'd like to point out that it is not red, you know.

Johnny also firmly believes that
a certain degree of vivacity is required for all things in life but she most emphatically does not accept just any old gonads in her vicinity. [In fact, Johnny would go as far as to say that she wouldn't accept any old gonads at all, along with very young ones; she actually brings up furballs at the thought of it.] Johnny has, in fact, what one might call standards and is most certainly finical. This is absolutely not a matter of Am hung, will travel. Johnny has been known to, e.g., immediately de-fancy men if they so much as ask her if they may kiss her because anyone needing her permission to do so has no business knowing the shape of her uvula; or forever groin away a suitor who wasn't fully cognisant of the Progression Chart and consequently made a hasty acquaintance with her left breast before the afore mentioned uvula and all bits preceding it.

In sum, to have her be easily chatted up invokes images of knickers most willingly and warp-speedily wrapped around one's neck along with possibly more than a few pairs of legs and must hence be seen as a blatant misrepresentation of the truth.

Johnny knows whom to blame if she suddenly starts receiving transatlantic booty calls, and she will come for you.

22 furballs:

D said...

Johnny is in a river in Egypt.

Lioness said...

Dany looks Egyptian.

Madame V said...

Our refined, delicate Johnny? Easy to chat up? Who ARE you people?

Not. Easy. To. Chat. Up. Easy to talk to; very easy to entertain and even charm (if you're intelligent and good at wordplay, as so many of you, her readers, clearly are), but easy to "chat up," as in seduce handily through mere wit and whimsy? No.

Dany, what would your wife think to know you're proclaiming the chattability of such a fine young woman with whom she too is in acquaintance? For shame! For shame!

We fine, cultured ladies must stick together to defend one another's honor, say I.

QuietusLeo said...

Johnny has a lisp. You have a lisp ??!?!?!?!!!!???
All my preconceptions have been shattered. Shattered mind you!

Lioness said...

V., exactly! How very salacious of them.

Quietusleo, I most certainly do not! I said I develop one when I drink. Or eat Mon Chéri. But it's not too pronounced, just... slightly there.

QuietusLeo said...

Oh, what a relief.

José said...

LOL
Foi por isso que mudou a imagem para a versão Mata Joãzinho Hari?

Shoe said...

Huh?

Shoe said...

oooooohhh.... I get it now. Just read Dexter's comment. A mere breakdown in the understanding of the finer points of Ameri-Briton translation.

Dexter Colt said...

I'm thrilled that I could provide you with fodder for a blog post.

An aggravated British woman once said to my father, "You Americans have ruined the English language."

[He was stationed overseas when in the Army]

Like father, like son.

Udge said...

On a point of information aka pedantry: Being easy to chat up is not synonymous with cervical generosity, though the one often leads to the other. Chattupery is about verbal felicity and the willingness to indulge in linguistic delights. At least that's how it was eighty-some odd years ago when I was learning the language. Kids today, no respect.

Lioness said...

Quietusleo, such lovely bed manners! :D All this over a lisp? You do know I have psoriasis, right? Go on, run with that one.

José, "Mata Joãzinho Hari"?? Está tudo doido? É dos peçarinhos, com certeza. Eu mudei a foto porque costumava mudá-la com regularidade e já há imenso tempo que não, e porque o Chimmy gosta imenso dela (e eu já nem me lembrava que a tinha, apaguei uma série delas do Flickr sem saber como) - o que é engraçado tendo em conta que a) eu pareço ter sido raptada pelas fadas em pequenina e b) nem tem grandes parecenças comigo. Mas pronto, há que ser querida.

Manuela, woman, see what happens when one clicks on the pretty links? Good things!

Xhimmy, you had me in hysterics when I realised what you had written americanly and I read britishly for a fraction of a second. It was simply irresistible, you make it easy.

And you haven't ruined it. You gave us "dude", and "talk to the hand"! You're a bit of alright. She probably said "fings" anyway. Want me to kick her for you?

Udge, maybe it was so in the XIX century indeed (*ducks and runs, HA!*), but nowadays you tell a British girl she's easy to chat up and she'll be all "So? We're emancipated now." Or something. [Loved chattupery!]

QuietusLeo said...

Johnny, if you meant my bedside manner, well then, thank you.
You want to see what I can do with psoriasis? (I didn't forget) I'm up for the challenge:
Come visit in my neck of the woods. The Dead Sea is considered good for the scales (even if you're not a fish). You're not a fish are you? Please, don't be a fish. Don't even be amphibian, I couldn't possibly handle the shock. Even if you are, don't drink the water.
That was pathetic, no?

Lioness said...

God. Quietusleo, do you know how this happens? There is a post in this. I will write a reply to comments and realise I forgot something, so I delete and then copy-paste and add and then I realise something else is missing or my keyboard did its thing again and I repeat the whole process. Happens a lot. At first I wrote "badside" manners so I edited it, and obviously turned it into bed manners alone. Brill. Mind, it's not even the worst way I have embarrassed myself today, words-wise. Maybe not writing anything at all while in the claws of insomnia might be a good idea? Excuse me while I quietly throw myself in the river.

The whole warmth in Israel is good for my scales, not just the Dead Sea. It would also be good for my soul to be there again, which in turn is good for my skin. For someone who dissed lisping I was expecting a tad more cruelty, yes, but I liked the "Don't drink the water", especially since that would probably mean swallowing some of my DNA. We're givers.

Udge said...

"backside manners" perhaps?

JoeInVegas said...

I like Udge's idea of linguistic delights. mmmm

Lioness said...

Udge, what? Oh God, this is it, officially daft. Pray, translate.

Joe, you would.

QuietusLeo said...

Udge - now, now, let's have some decorum please.
Johnny - Me, cruel? Only to my patients, especially the ones with lisps.

José said...

Tá, tá... o que é um facto é que antes deste post tinha um foto com uma expressão bem mais divertida e neste está com um olhar de hitwoman!...
Seja como for, foi um post delicioso de humor (embora me obrigue a limpar o pó do dicionário...)

Dexter Colt said...

[Takes out notepad. Writes down phrases not to be used outside the states. Closes notepad]

Lioness said...

Quietusleo, specially the ones with lisps - actually very funny!

José, a culpa é das fadas!

DC, it makes for some very funny moments in the US when the English you were taught is English. Like meeting men called Randy. RANDY! It also makes for even more opportunities to put your foot in your mouth, like when you say "rubbers" instead of "erasers" or give your host family a "genuine portuguese cock" (famous figurine of a cockerel from a city in Pt that changes colour along with the weather and supposedly allows you to forecast it). Portuguese accents always make it even trickier bcs every single Portie I know "hits the bitch" a lot in the Summer.

Udge said...

bed manner -> bedside manner -> badside manner -> backside manner. Seems clear to me.