13 February 2008

For sale

Left kidney, 10 by 5 cm, perfectly shiny and encapsulated and yet supple, for evolution is a wondrous thing.

Transient microlithiasis possibly brought forth through years of nectar of the Gods ambrosia Coke consumption gone since 2003, kidney now in perfect condition even if second-hand, as proven by exceedingly normal micturition et al.

Most of the proceedings of the auction will go to the Let's Replumb The Lioness' Kitchen Shall We And Have a Right Good Laugh While At It Since The Pipes Decided To Rupture Right In The Middle Of Exams And She Has No Hot Water Now And Will Soon Have An Assortment Of Burly And Possibly Smelly Characters Breaking Down Her Wall While She Tries To Bone Up Charity.

Most of the remainder will go to the hefty dose of Diazepam which will be required to keep the cats locked in the bedroom for the duration of the repairs, and for Lioness herself so she can float with the fairies above the screechingly protesting cats, the noise/dust combination and the fact that the insurance company was not as transparent as one might wish them to be, hence the necessity of selling vibrant left kidney.

The remainder of the remainder will go to replacing both the bedroom door which will inevitably be clawed to smithereens by a 4-legged animal; and the bedside table lamps which will most certainly rejoin their maker at the practised paws of a 3-legged one.

The dog shall have free reign because Lioness feels it is her right, there being no solid Insurance Company entity, to exert some sort of ridiculously minor cosmic retribution and having a hysterical dog trying to physically merge with the workers might just accomplish it.

Lioness will provide all surgical material and procedures herself, the buyer is merely required to stand with a bucket filled with saline underneath her window during daylight hours so she doesn't inadvertently bloody the pretty garden flowers, which would be most frowned upon by her neighbours.

She would try and sell sexual favours were it not for the fact that due to a series of unfortunate circumstances she has slightly forgotten what a peenis penus peenus is and the whole thing seemed fraught with peril; and all the whoring spots by her school seem to have already been taken and she has no wish to be made mincemeat of this close to graduation.

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14th February Note: Lioness would like to thank life for deciding, unsurprisingly, that today it was going to make her a better, more zen person. The morrow saw a complete, total and absolute lack of water, be it cold or hot, which coincided with the arrival of housekeeper. Faced with a Fremen way of life in a Lisbon flat there was nothing to do but grab buckets and empty 5L bottles and abruptly drive with housekeeper to parents' bcs at 8 am one cannot very well go round waking one's neighbours no matter how noble the plight. The successful water party was greeted upon returning by the sight of the housekeeper's midmorning snack and lunch's remains all over the office floor, for dog had felt abandoned and betrayed and had gone on a rampage.

Lioness had an apoplectic fit, the housekeeper had a giggly fit, Lioness vehemently berated dog who decided to hide between the housekeeper's legs in a fluid motion which caused housekeeper to have fully-blown hysterics, Lioness vehemently berated housekeeper for housekeeper kept patting dog - who was unduly sad over being chastised due to having behaved like the hound from hell - as dog's owner tried to educate it, albeit most certainly unsuccesfully. Dog is now curled up in her basket by Lioness' feet heartbrokenly staring at her with huge doe-like eyes but Lioness is not fooled by this apparent innocence, incubi too are cute when they're young.

Lioness would like to point out that she was woken up by Dead Best Friend dreams at half seven, it is only half nine now and she has a dentist appointment at eleven; it will not surprise her if she manages to have a lung mistakenly extracted via her oropharynx somehow. Lioness cannot wait, she positively cannot wait for what the rest of the day will bring, and she would like to remind you all to stay tuned for the 20th, an exam day preceded by another exam day and followed by two more consecutive exam days, and filled to the brim with exquisite memories and possibilities.

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12.40 Update: Lioness is still reeling from this morning's events. Lioness was exceedingly pleased to find a parking spot right in front of the clinic for free, no metre machine, unheard of! When she left the clinic she was greeted by the sight of her car prettily wrapped in yellow tape and with a front tyre blocked. There was a metre machine after all only she hadn't seen it, AH AH AH AH AH AH AH! She then rang their landline from her mobile and learnt the firm's motto is Have customer ring, pick up, lay phone on table and chat away with your mates while customer repeatedly charges more money to her mobile bcs it is all eaten up in a second. After wasting a small fortune for naught Lioness realised her only option was to track down the metre maid, which she hoped was a man really bcs metre maids are notoriously bitchy in her limited experience. After much searching up and down she did find a metre lad and shamelessly took advantage of her still anaesthetised and therefore not quite fully-moving mouth and her batting eyelashes to convey the urgent need to have the car back so she could go to the chemist's and, er, heal. Lioness is deeply ashamed of this lie but she was trapped outside Lisbon and the next best scenario would be waiting until after six for the towers to arrive. The metre lad rang his colleagues and urged them to drop everything and come now, calamity!, walked her back to her car while describing his latest root canal to her, asked her for the name of her dentist, tore the yellow tape and opened the door for her to get in, all in a day's work. Lioness sat in her car dejectedly wondering why the bloody hell she hadn't brought anything along to study bcs she always does and the one day she doesn't..., and she did not know how long she would have to wait. Not quite five minutes later they arrived, metre lad plus two cheery colleagues, "I knew it had to be a pretty young girl," [Girl! Lioness blushes!], they said, "when it's old birds he simply says YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION! and lets them wait". Lioness found it all very charming and parted with 65 Euros bcs she had neglected to feed 1 Euro to the invisible machine, AH AH AH AH AH!!!

And then she was back in her flat and all was thankfully normal - even though she has now sworn she will not step outside till after midnight - and as she mind-blogged this post while she put her coat away she saw a small package on her coffee table, the post had arrived while she was out, and when she opened it she promptly burst into tears bcs Udge, brilliant Udge had sent her Thud!, which he knew she hadn't read it yet, and Lioness realised that regardless of what the rest of the day might bring it is all going to be all right, she has no need to buy a book for Uzi now bcs Udge has taken care of it already, and Udge offering her Tig a book, no matter how indirectly, feels absolutely right and the cats are sleeping intertwined in the sun and the dog is snoring softly by the window and thus her day unexpectedly turned out to be a rather lovely one.

12 furballs:

The House Guest said...

Damn, I forgot to ask how the plumbing problem had progressed. And now you've told me.

I'm so sorry to hear this. May the remedies be swift and the parents be generous. And may your kidney stay right where it belongs.

José said...

:)
Ironizar e rir de nós próprios já não é para qualquer um. Em circunstâncias dessas muito menos...
Em simultâneo: Poor J...
Parabéns!
José

JoeInVegas said...

Hmmm, floating with the fairies sounds pretty good (but not what will be going on underneath). Sorry about the pipes, but if I was in Portugal now I would probably take you up on your money making offer. (no, not the kidney one)

JoeInVegas said...

Oh - sorry, I thought I shouldn't have to say it, but you are quite welcome to come dip your toes in my pool and sip margarittas in the sunshine as well. The water is a bit cold right now, but the air should be up to 25c today.

Udge said...

I'm pleased to hear that you were pleased, that was my intention. I hope that you can manage to solve the plumbing problem without incurring any bodily indignities (other than those consequentially following from lack of hot water).

Shoe said...

Peenus... peenus.... ROARING with laughter here, do you hear me? Surely you must.

Oh my darling Johnny, such calamity and such charm and wit in the recounting of said calamity.

Perhaps our care package to you should contain bottles of water as well as the chicken stock.

Shoe said...

Also, you might actually get more money for your ovaries than your kidneys. Just saying. Get us rabid infertiles in an all out bidding war. It'd be brilliant I tell you!

QuietusLeo said...

Damn, you've got the stream of conciousness thing down to an artform! And it is entertaining as hell!
(I hear hell is quite the spot, though I've never been).

Diana said...

Oh dear! It really could not have gotten any worse, could it? Udge seems blessed with second-sight when it comes to what is needed, is he not?

I shall have to send Molly over to teach your poor pup the proper way to steal food and not get blamed for it. The real trick is to leave absolutely NO evidence of there ever having been any food to start with, then the people just assume that they imagined that they had made the lunch and just make it all over again. Never, EVER leave the wrappers about, nor crumbs, nor let the plate budge a millimeter from its original position.

Silvertongue said...

Glad to read that your day turned out to be a good one after all.

CarpeDM said...

I am so sorry for laughing but dammit, you make it funny! And Udge is wonderful!

Anonymous said...

That's loads to have fun with!