12 February 2008

Continental drift

Funny thing, am still not happy with the post below. Didn't sleep well after writing it (it's 6.30 am, BAH) and when the posts are finished I do. And they're only finished when I'm finished so I reckon I still haven't found the approach to the whole full frontal blog nudity that I am comfy with. I'll just be talking incoherently to myself for a bit then.

All right, dreams won't help bcs I slept badly and cannot remember them. But, BUT. When I woke up the first thing I thought of was that former best friend who's** not even a friend anymore bcs she too had slight loyalty problems. Twice. I AM in a general state of pissiness, see, and February is the bloody month from the netherhell which never helps any but regardless of if I think abt it long enough I still become so furious with her I want to scream, make her go back and change it all, she was like a sister, sisters don't stab you in the back, sisters don't blame you when you are forced to tell them their boyfriend has not only chatted you up but lied and told you you two broke up. SHE WAS MY SISTER! It's been 10 years and I still miss her at times and we have enough of a dysfunctional non-relationship that we still wish each other a happy birthday and - oh, it's too fucked up. I never expected to lose such a close friend, never thought that was even possible. In a love relationship there is always the chance that things will go bad somehow but friendships were within the golden circle, I used to think, real friendships were inherently protected from harm. Yes, here are some peanuts, you can have a go at me.

It's been a decade and I still cannot allow myself to think abt it for too long bcs it is still painful. With the Defunct it's a very different thing, I don't mourn his loss at all, I mourn having fooled myself (wrong choices for the wrong reasons), I mourn having stayed for too long, I mourn having chosen a poor recipient for my affection. It wasn't love as I've known it (it wasn't Love, if you will) but there was love of sorts, for a while. In his case it will always be easier bcs due to a variety of reasons she is weak and often does wrong things but she is a good person. I wish her well, she wishes me well, I simply coulnd't cope with bearing the brunt of a love-hate relationship which in truth had more to do with her mother than me, I'd forever be the easy target, twice was enough. I don't think I'll still be avoiding thinking abt the Defunct in 10 years. In fact, the only reason I avoid it now is bcs it disgusts me.

You know, it was hard enough for me to accept the fact that I stayed in a relationship for over a year longer than I should have. Again, he is not dumb. He is not without knowledge or general culture. But his view of the world is very limited and there were loads of things we could never discuss bcs he didn't have the background for it. And he never read. He would buy books though and I soon realised he did it for me, bcs he knew how important they were to me and he wanted to be that man (he must have been under some enormous and implicit pressure and if he hadn't turned out to be a shit I'd feel sorry for him, empathetic-like). Finally I told him to stop, he was wasting money buying books that neither of us ever read, and he did. I still struggle when writing posts that mention him bcs I don't want to make it sound as though he only has 3 brain cells, he has more but their arrangement just wasn't enough for me. And saying that abt someone is one of the worst things I could say, full stop, not bcs it is a bad thing in itself, people have varied interests and what matters desperately to one person will have some other person not bothered at all, but bcs it matters so much to me that talking abt it would bare him and I just wasn't comfortable with that. Which is to say, I don't have a problem with you considering me an intellectual snob but I don't want you to think my boyfriend is dumb - mostly for him, what a horror, but also, if I'm being honest, partly for me, bcs I was the other half of the couple where the bloke sometimes opened his mouth and left everyone with theirs hanging in a very not-good way and never even realised it.

Truthfully, I know exactly when our relationship ended. It went on past that, of course, but I think that's when I abandoned ship soul-wise. I still stayed, mind, bcs if you realise you're wasting your time nothing's smarter than staying and ensuring even more time progresses. I was talking to him abt school and mentioned the Epidemiology exam. He said "What's that?" I was amused at first, thought he was pulling my leg. God, I actually laughed, good one! I very quickly stopped. I said "Go on, even if you don't know exactly what it's abt you can have a general idea from the etymology of the word!" He looked at me blankly and I had to substitute etymology for root, which horrified me further bcs dude, man was an archaelogist, did they learn in caves?, and nothing. NOTHING. He just couldn't connect Epidemiology with epidemics no matter how much he thought abt it and it might not be a big thing to you but to me it was the last straw atop the already politraumatised camel. It's not the fact that he didn't know abt Epidemiology, I myself know next to nothing abt it, you realise that, yes?, it was what his not being able to connect the linguistics dots meant, everything that came along with it or failed to. [A while ago a friend of mine (the one who needed to drop off a corpse first) was talking to one of the vet technicians at her clinic and was telling her how she had a friend who'd realised her relationship had no legs for walking, as we say, when her boyfriend couldn't compute what Epidemiology was all abt. And the technician was shocked and said How silly, it's so obvious it's the science that studies the epidermis! Maybe it really is a harder one than I thought?]

All these months I have been trying to write abt me and that meant writing abt him as well at times and I have protected him, much to my disgust bcs that was the last thing I felt like doing. I have also protected myself bcs I don't want to have anything seen as having been written spitefully when it isn't so. It is perfectly fine for me to say I wish we'd broken up sooner, you should see my flat now, it's so much tidier and cleaner. That is universally acceptable, I think. I'm not sure whether it is fine for me to say I wish we'd broken up sooner, I am so relieved, at times he was as dense as a brickwall and it shamed me. There, I've said that too and am now cringeing bcs people may become better, more decent, if they want to but you can't change your intellect and somehow there's this societal pressure minimising it. And to me that's like saying sexual incompatibility doesn't matter if there is luuurve, I must be fully twisted bcs what I think is, if sex is horrid what sort of love does it beget? Everything's interconnected. The same way that I am not pastry dough to be kneaded, so sorry you seem to have learnt by correspondence, I am not a tabula rasa either that is able to happily conform to whatever man she comes in contact with, I am what I am and I need what I need and what I need is to stop feeling like I must apologise for it.

And you know what I've just realised? I don't know if I need to write that post abt the unspeakable anymore, but I do need to feel that I have the freedom to, that I can give myself permission to, and I now do. I have talked to my friends at length and I have drafted posts. It is not enough, never was. Before blogs I'd still have the need to write things down - not like a diary, I was never good with diaries past the age of 14, it would either be in poemish form or letters to the person in question that were never sent. But the relief, the catharsis that comes from writing a post and publishing it, having it vanish into the ether, is unbelievably liberating, much more so than pen and paper. No material weight, no solid remains anywhere, it's a truly bearable lightness of being. And I think part of the validation I needed also has to do with the fact that I regard writing abt some aspects of him as mean and I am not naturaly mean (neither in the American nor the British sense). It has nothing to do with PC, it has to do with basic decency but I sometimes go too far with it. We call it having a sense of others and it sounds completely different in English. It is not intuitive at all, it's structural. It is abt empathy and decency and even with someone who hurt me this badly I was reluctant to, it's... distasteful. My mother knows me well and kept telling me throughout the years, and in fact still tells me now, that if I am thinking abt others and they are thinking abt themselves there will be no one left to think abt me. My parents are the most genuinely generous and selfless people I know, being regularly slapped in the face by life has thus become a sort of a familial tradition.

But I DO have the right to be angry and pissy and hurt over him being a wanker, and I DO have a right to want a certain type of partner intellectually, culturally and socially - so lick me. If I write that post abt the vilest bit of it all, and I still might, I'll do exactly as I please and we'll see what bursts forth but I have an inkling that if there is one post I might ever take down it's this very one. In the one I haven't written he may look like a right douchebag bcs of what he did objectively, but in this one, for people like me, mind, subjectively he doesn't amount to much. And that feels somehow far more revealing and unfair, which is why it took me two and a half hours to be able to write this even if I didn't know that this was what I needed to write.

** This day will go brilliantly, I first wrote "whose not even a friend". Brilliantly, I tell you. And ironically at that.

5 furballs:

brooksba said...

I understand the need to purge hurt and distainful memories. My main experience is in a friendship gone awry, but it was hard to say the words at first. I wrote unsent letters countless times. They didn't do it. And the reason was that I kept feeling like those unsent letters didn't change anything, other than letting me get my thoughts together. Putting the words to paper with an audience, no matter who it is, helps because you feel heard. And that is very important.

It is also not too much to ask for someone who meets you intellectually. It's not the end-all for a relationship, but if it is in your core values, it is very important. It doesn't make you (or him for that matter) a lesser person to state, "We're not compatible because we can't share a conversation." It's a fact. And if it means something to you, it's an important fact.

To the ideal of being selfish and caring about the feelings of others - yes, it can get lonely or frustrating because sometimes it feels like you give, give, give. But, there is also the self-confidence you have in knowing that you care about others. It's a remarkable trait and a rare one. If more people were able to care about others, this would be a much better world. You are a wonderful person. You can take time to care for you and you have every right to ask for help when you need it. There's a lot of us out here listening (even if sometimes people in Vegas need to kick us in the arse to get us off our butts and back into the cyber-world.)

Love you Dahliing. Can't wait to talk this weekend!

Diana said...

Of course you have the right to write what ever it takes for you to put it where it needs to be. I'm glad you're coming to that. Even if you write it and then delete it, it was still expressed and therefore can lead to cleansing.

For me, I need to say it, just once, to someone I trust to let it just hang there, so I can pour it out and get past it or over it or around it. We all need a way to sort it all out and heal.

Also, I wish sisters didn't stab you in the back, but I can tell you that they can and sometimes do, most viciously and painfully.

Anonymous said...

I suppose you just still love him!

Lioness said...

Really? That is what you took from this post? Amazing.

CarpeDM said...

Even after you told us about this comment on Saturday/Sunday, I can't believe it is there! Yes, of course you stll love him! How obvious it is to everyone. Not.

Anyway, I think Beth and Diana said it best, write whatever you want, we are here for you.