30 January 2008

Wise, wise Ethiopians after all - AND I KNEW IT!

I need a break. Hullo! I'm going to write this post using our adjectives and nouns in a very Portie manner. That way three of you will have a proper laugh and the others will exercisate the least used areas of their brains. See? Started already, let's see who can spot them all! Winner guaranteed to never have to read a middle-of-exams post again!

I am happy to announce I can be proud of my parents again. I took them to my fave sushi restaurant once so they too could share in the divineness that is sushi and they dared to hate it. HATE SUSHI, they did. I was beyond myself with grief, I had clearly been spawned by evil - elegantly-dressed, well-spoken evil but evil all the same. When the first exam results came out I decided to take them out for lunch to celebrate and cleverly just kidnapped them. I am not without a heart you know, there is a buffet with meat and other thingies. Lo, it turns out that what they cannot stand is wasabi, I am perfectly fine with that, they had sushi and loved it! And then they had some more! I am no longer ashamed we share a last name. We are going back there on Friday (mother's birthday) and then father's is 10 days later, and mine is in March so - do you see how bliss has franqueated the door to my heart? [I am also hoping that sushi fabulousness will keep some of the February soul-pong at bay]. I am easy to spot at a sushi buffet, I am the one weeping with gratitude at the sight of platters filled to capacity with temaki and California rolls (the tuna version). I can eat so much of it, apparently, that my mother became worried and urged me to - I cannot quite believe I am typing this - STOP EATING. This mother! Unfathomable. I, of course, seem to have learnt nothing in previous decades and therefore:

- Mother, how can it be that I either eat nothing at all and subsist on air or eat entirely too much?
- That, darling, is exactly it.

It couldn't have been easier if I'd brought my own cleaver and done it myself. Have jugular, will travel.

Remember that time I was almost posteriorly sucked into a cow's rumen? People shouldn't jump to conclusions, really they shouldn't, it's so precipitated. I wrote that exam already (passed it) (have actually been passing them all so far, wonder what's wrong) (TFU TFU TFU) and actually enjoyed studying for it. I enjoyed studying for a Large Animal subject! I was promptly chastised by life in that right after I was forced to delve deeply into the joys of Toxicology and now, as we speak, Technology. Did you know that you absolutely cannot be a good vet unless you know exactly how an industrial refrigerator works, circuitry and all? Say you're at an abattoir, inspectioning, and have managed to both retain conscience and not be hit by a few lungs or hearts on their way to the conveyer belt or worse, a gliding hook. Say some piece of machinery breaks down. Who amongst you would not immediately turn to the vet for reparation? I know I'd certainly take my dog to the Engineering faculty to have her anal glands expressed if I didn't know how to do it myself. This is why we are also taught photosynthesis in the greatest detail; if we ever come across a literally ballooning cow we absolutely do not need to take a perfurating instrument to her (left) hide in a savage-like manner in order to save her life, we can address the problem at the very beginning of the food chain bcs we are now equipped to quickly shed our clothes, perform a short interpretative sun dance and kneel on the ground to exhort the greenery to grow into something less gasifiable.

Gertrudes [Juhrtroodj] has had a horrible time pining for me but no worries, she's all better now, she's visiting. Exams will be finished in a month and I'll then ensure Gertrudes is properly buggered. It's her turn now. [Gertrudes looks exactly like I first pictured Doby's nose. Rectal House Elf, so very wrong.]

Finally, I heard back from my potential internship and YES, I have been accepted! As soon as exams are over in the Summer (optimistically, I have decided that I will not need to take any exams in September FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SEVEN YEARS) (TFU TFU TFU), and after a fairly indecent holiday period with NO EXAMS IN SIGHT I will spend my days (Mon-Sat, 10-13h + 15-20h) actually learning things I will be able to use in the future! Fun things, things abt reptiles and rabbits and chelonians and birds! Not too far away from a beach! In The Line, town starts with an O and it's abt 3 min from Shrimpy's house. Dudes...

And then I'll fly to Vancouver to attend Manuela's Moulin Rouge Special Edition wedding and slobber over her Jimmy Choos and Manolos, and then skip over to San Francisco to visit V. and see if I can break my personal record of flying back from the American continent with 115 paperbacks (and new clothes) in my baggage, and then the kittens with the head tea doilies will come out to groom the wolves and the giggling sauria and the world will realise I have secured myself yet another degree, a horrific one this time, WITHOUT THROWING MYSELF IN THE RIVER and all fighting and deception are worthless and that will stop instantly, and the cure for all diseases will fall from the sky wrapped in seasoned seaweed and can you tell I am having a terribly hard time superimposing all these possibilities of actual and normal fun onto what is my actual and abnormal life and has been for over 6 years?

Don't overindulge in ham. I now know ham. Trust me.

------------------
FRIDAY P.S. - Just wrote Technology and, in an exam consisting of 60 T/F questions plus 2 others where you're required to elaborate, what are the odds that one will, indeed, be Please describe the circuitry and general functioning of a domestic refrigerating unit? A BLOODY "DOMESTIC REFRIGERATING UNIT"! A FUCKING FRIDGE! And that question alone was worth 4 points out of 20, 4 whole points! Am foaming at the mouth a bit. Bloody, buggery , time-wasting hell.

19 furballs:

You Know Who said...

THOSE WISE ETHIOPIANS!
DOG ANAL GLANDS!
YOUR PARENTS!
COWHIDE!
BOOKS!
GERTRUDES!
SEAWEED!
PHOTOSYNTHESIS!
FRANQUEATION!
VISITING ME!
ORPA!

Only you can work all of those things into a single post and have it come off dazzlingly, swirlingly, deliriously brilliantly. AND you got the internship!!!!!! PARABENS!

And my word verification is jilgbo! Could it get any better than this?

Lioness said...

V., swirlingly brilliant?? I'll repeatate it, you're easy! Jilgbo sounds like a small South-American rodent, no? Ah, it's worthy enough, let's adoptate it as well for - for those situations where one is confrontated with slightly dense entities? As in, "Poor sod, what a jilgbo he turned out to be"?

Tell me you did NOT have to look up "franquear" and I'll worship your Portuguese, go on!

QuietusLeo said...

After reading your brilliant post (not all of which I understood) I remembered: I know how to make sushi!
So for tonight's soirée I will prepare said delicacy.

Lioness said...

Oh shut up. Gloater.

(What bit did you not understand? I'll translate!)

brouhaha! said...

I didn't have to look up franquear. Commence worship.

(Speaking of language things, "dwelve"? Delve? Is this like your pronunciation of brouhaha? I loved it -- so cute, like a combination of dweeb and to elve, the action of being an elf.)

The problem with jilgbo is getting my tongue to pronounce. It works much better in Portuguese than English for me. (Does that difficulty make me a jilgbo? Oh wait - should I say jilgba?)

Lioness said...

How could you have known what it meant? Where on earth did you come across it?? You know how I edit and re-edit, the sentence started off with "dwell" and then the W remained and I didn't notice it, it's not a brouahha at all, it's a resilient typo (now corrected, tnx, very annoying). You should hear my Portuguese these days, the other day I was talking to someone and I said "Por causa das jarradas de vento." *SIGH* "Jilgbo" is not hard to pronounce! Remember "Wake Me Up"'s video, with the arm dance? Try it that way and tell me how it goes.

QuietusLeo said...

Things I didn't understand:
1. adjectives and nouns in a very Portie manner
2. Manuela's Moulin Rouge Special Edition wedding and slobber over her Jimmy Choos and Louboutins
3. domestic refrigerating (how's that different from foreign refrigerating?)

Lioness said...

All right, I see. And you did reply, how nice to a) have comments and b) interact within them! Yiy!

1) Things like "exercisate" and "inspectioning", which is how we say it; or "conscience" for "consciousness" bcs we use the former for both. I figured, since I walk around so knackered I have started inverting syllables even in Portuguese (results almost as funny as when I did it in Hebrew though perhaps less treacherous), resulting in rather poor language skills, I might as well turn it into a game (and yet "dwelve" still managed to be created). Wait. You didn't think I actually talked like that did you? Now I am horrified!

2) Manuela is a Canadian friend of mine who has gracefully decided to accept to marry A., with whom she's been living for years. She has decided the wedding theme will be Moulin Rouge in all its glory and I have no doubt that "glorious" is the right adjective to describe what that affair will be like. She owns tonnes of shoes and some of those are Jimmy Choos and Louboutins, over which I will certainly slobber bcs I have never been close to designer shoes except for those times I licked the telly during Sex And The City. And you are obviously a man.

3. The "domestic refrigerating unit" is the technical name for a fridge, or so my professors would have us all believe. Unless you're being facetious, which will go entirely unappreciated bcs tiredness makes me dense as bloody hell. Either way, I am in VET SCHOOL and was forced to describe how a bleeding fridge works and I will never forgive them for it, especially if I fail the stupid exam.

Diana said...

A bloody fridge? You have to describe how a bloody fridge works?

Insane.

Lovely on the internship, though. And the travels.

Udge said...

(raises an eyebrow) What, refrigerators are not animals? Hah. Next you'll be telling us that fish are not vegetables.

Congrats on the internship.

JoeinVegas said...

Our fridge is OK, but the freezer is having a bit of a problem keeping it's (low) temperature. Do you think while flying overhead you might have time to pop down and take a look?

QuietusLeo said...

OK NOW I understand, sort of. No I don't think you speak like that. However my wife invents words in English like: procrastinationicitynessation
The shoe thing is beyond me (praise the Lord!)
And, uh, yeah, congratulations on the internship.
I'll try to break this to you gently: you might actually look back upon your student years with nostalgic fondness.
In a few years I get to tell you:
"I told you so!"

Anonymous said...

when will you be in vancouver? do you have the dates? let me know... tess

Chimmy's Ghost said...

A fridge makes things cold.

Wonderful answer, Chimmy! A+++++++++

haha.

I had no idea vets were so thorough. Are they going to ask you how to fix a car as well?

Lioness said...

Q., hmmm, not very likely. I look upon my Anthropology degree days with a lot of fondness, it was like not being in school at all. This degree is straight from the pits of hell and I have loathed 95% of it so far, doesn't leave much room for nostalgia of any sort, just regret that it's been so bloody hard. but ww'll see, who knows, I might go mental after all.

T., have sent email.

Chimmy, that was my reply almost verbatim. Well I did add a bit more but not sure it was enough, actually dreamt I'd failed it. I expect the car would be the next thing only next semester we'll be taught how to make cheese. I kid you not.

Jolarolilihe, die Sennerin vom Königssee...

Aurelia said...

This reminds me, I have to go buy a fridge.

Lioness said...

If it develops a fever just holler in my general direction.

Joe! I'm sorry, I somehow left you out and yet your comment had me in hysterics, true and proper!

Zhyph said...

:D Parabéns, pelos exames todos e por não teres exames em setembro (q inveja! Da branca claro!)
Muitos muitos parabéns pelo estágio... sabia q conseguirias, ele só estava a fazer-se difícil. Eu saberei a resposta do meu na 3ª feira... E qto a tecnologia... suspiro... ainda a tenho por fazer! Simplesmente não conseguia ler esta porcaria q n me parecia em NADA útil para o meu futuro... próximo ou muito muito longínquo! Q raiva!

Beijocas

Lioness said...

Zyph, não te estiques que ainda tenho 4 para fazer e um para saber, Setembro ainda não está nada seguro! Quem dera, era bom... A ver.