07 January 2008

How to survive unfertilised (and fertilised) eggs

This will be somewhat abt tampons, to balance out the corpse in the last post - life, death... I expect to lose most of you bcs you're mostly Anglos and Anglos are far more precious regarding such subjects, even the women - so go now, with my blessing.

Are you always in the mood for tampons? I'm not, and this month I couldn't really be bothered. [Actually, what I'd like to have is a diva cup but no luck finding one here in Europe's Armpit.] But life with tampons is much cleaner living, it becomes a bit aggravating with knickers to always have to ensure that there will be no pad dance and its delightful consequences, not every pair will do and even some old faves will occasionally let you down.

As I returned from a short if messy bathroom visit (dancing pad) (praise the bidet) (we discussed all things bidet so, you remember, classic bidet, not aerosolisation device) I stood in front of the wooden thingy with the drawers where I keep my underwear and socks (I cannot for the life of me recall the name of it, I can only think of cupboard and that isn't it, it would be worrisome if this weren't exam season) and tried to choose the perfect knickers, those that would not allow any South travelling of the viscous variety especially during sleep, and I came across -

My miscarriage knickers!

They're brilliant. They're made of some sort of elastic mesh, come up to my 1st pair of floating ribs (yes) and keep everything tight against the body, no leakage possible. And the funniest bit is, there was a time when looking at them hurt bcs I did want that baby. Now? I am simply happy to have found them again and I've also just realised anew that even when I think back to those awful weeks the only thing that hurts me is the memory of how much physical pain I was in bcs, and how amazingly bizarre life is at times, I am actually glad I miscarried. Isn't that a horrible thing to think? NO IT'S NOT. Children are forever and their creators are forever tied as well and No, thank God that No. That part of my life is so thoroughly processed and filed away that it feels like it happened to someone else (I knew it would be impossible to retain much of the good but I certainly didn't expect for it all to be forcibly expunged but once expunged it all becomes sort of clinical) but the relief is still present. When I think of what could be now...

I thought I was getting my period and it turned out I was a little pregnant, though not by much, though by enough that my body wasn't able to end it all, I had the protracted miscarriage from hell, I was in pain and vomit for
so long and so unnecessarily, it tooks me weeks and weeks to recover - and if you'd told me then I'd feel this, I wouldn't have believed you - but I very much do. I missed a cosmic bullet, what else is left to feel but gratitude?

And, shocker, the last thing I expected when I started off with tampons was to have this post end up here but neither do we ever expect great pains to become great comforts, so here is good. Here is good.

10 furballs:

brooksba said...

Is the word you're looking for "dresser"? I do understand what you're saying in your post about the miscarriage. It's not policitally correct to say it was a blessing in disquise, but I've heard other women say it. Thinking of you Dahling!

Lioness said...

Dresser, YES! Thank you, it was annoying me so.

Aurelia said...

The world works in mysterious ways....I never do understand it.

Lioness said...

Aurelia, agreed. I don't believe that every tiny thing happens for a reason, i.e., don't quite believe in a perpetual grand design, but I do believe in paths and how they are affected by our choicse. And I very much believe that, sometimes, we are protected from things ultimately wrong without any choice or realisation on our part whatsoever - and ultimately I was very, very lucky.

Diana said...

It is better, isn't it? The other side of grief and pain. You have closed the wound but the scar has ever become part of you. You are more than what you were. You are wiser. Changed. Often stronger. You'd probably not wish the pain but as it has, indeed happened, you take the new dimension to yourself and find yourself in some ways better.

Or at least I do.

The pain's not necessarily worth it but the experience is not without growth and benefit and sometimes it is worth it.

I celebrate your growth.

I find the utterance of the word "Tampons" in a room full of men empties the room more quickly and efficiently than yelling "Fire" or "Supermodel" or "Free Beer Down the Hall". It's a good weapon.

Jay said...

if the intent was to "free the room of men," then we shouldn't count it a failure simply because I was too ignorant to take the hint. I don't make it through many people's posts you know dahling - dry and dull most of them. After all these years, and the long long long absence and complete dismissal and the like, you still captivate me with your intellect, honesty and ability to craft.

Mas realmente eu quis apenas dizer hello.

neko said...

I'm anglo now and feel no squeegy at the bloody bits... If you want a diva cup I can snag you one and ship it.

I remember that sad time and your loss, it's good to know that in the end it was what you feel fits your path. What more can we ask for no? Some resolution is a good thing.

Dana (blogger won't let me sign in) said...

I was going to make the same offer as neko, after, of course, you explain what a diva cup is.

I have to say I prefer pads, tampons hurt for some reason. Plus, having a non-stop period for months at a time makes it easier. I suppose it's time to go back to the doctor.

Looks like I missed your call again! You have a knack for calling when I'm not home. Believe me, I would be answering if I was there. I've got caller ID now so can tell when you call.

Lilian said...

I always forget "dresser" too. I've heard people call it "bureau" here too, although it sounds so strange to me! Or Chest of drawers (don't like that one). What do you call it there? We say "cômoda" which is a bit strange too.

Anyway... I'm actually glad that such a painful experience and memory has become something to be thankful for.

As the saying goes "Deus escreve direito por linhas tortas."

Lioness said...

Ooh, chest of drawers, I forgot abt that one as well, actually like it better! We call it a "cómoda", only the accent differs.

And it has, it truly has - e só posso acrescentar um enorme AMÉN!