01 December 2007

Someone kindly explain this to me

I recently talked to an old blog acquaintance for the first time in almost 2 years. I hadn't logged onto MSN in ages and, as luck and time zones would have it (he lives in Australia), he was online and we chatted for a bit. His status read Hey world, I am madly, passionately, head-over-heels in love with X, X being his girlfriend. I immediately asked him to tell me all abt it, love stories are lovely and this man was obviously in the throes of a (hopefully) deliriously happy affair, it's irresistible, and we used to confide this sort of stuff in each other all the time. We didn't chat for very long bcs, as luck and time zones would have it, it was already a bit late for me and I was knackered [past 22.00] [everyone who knows me IRL go ahead and laugh, I know, this 5th year and its myriad of papers and presentations is kicking my arse] [even better: 2 days ago I went to bed at 21.45][yes]. So we agreed he was going to send me an email telling me abt it and eventually he did, and it sounds a bit complicated but it also sounds as though they're both willing to chance it and work at it so mazel tov all around, right? I cheerily replied and was very happy for the both of them, giddiness by proxy.

Here's the thickening of the plot: I logged on a while ago and I had a message from him. It basically asked me not to reply to his hotmail account (eh, too late) bcs X checks it and she is, and I quote, understandably protective of him.

Hullo?

Someone please, please explain this to me, for I am dense in these ways of the world. I can empathise brilliantly, my empathy is actually almost bottomless, but mostly I see the world through my own personal lenses, and they filtre what I like and dislike and what I'd like and dislike as well. First of all, it wouldn't cross my mind to understandably protect my boyfriend's emails. If I'm in a relationship where I need to check his account - alright, I can't even think like this, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SUCH A MAN? [yes, yes, it's like that old joke, how many marranos does it take to screw in - oh, don't know it? Good one.] So it's bollocks, it really is. And I'd be extremely pissy if my boyfriend had secret penpals, even if it were bcs I was understandably protective. I mean, I'd expect him to either put up with it and not email me - her - oh whatever (though, again, WHY WOULD I WANT YO BE WITH SUCH A MAN, if I fancy tenderised lamb I'll simply go to a restaurant), or tell me to my face I'd bloody well better grow up and he has his circle of friends and acquaintances and either I can trust him or I can't but he is not abt to walk around cutting off people just bcs I happen to be neurotically insecure. I asked him what he is suggesting exactly bcs really, it is all perfecly innocent and if she happened to read my mail she will have been able to see for herself but it stops being innocent the very moment we start corresponding in secret bcs God forbid X should find out abt it, hide the rabbits, who knows whose she might boil.

The fuck?

Honestly, this sort of rubbish truly perplexes me and I can't fathom it at all. I don't know if or what he'll reply but there absolutely will be no covert emailing, either she can know abt it or she can't - in which case I won't. Ours has always been a distinctively non-romantic relationship, never so much as a whiff of anything else; if, despite that, he ultimately resorts to being secretive abt me, if he feels he can only write to me behind her back - oh no, no no no no no. I will be friends with men (and lesbians, I suppose) only if their partners know abt me, otherwise it's all a tad too dirtified.

People do have exactly the lives they want. Isn't it amazing.

11 furballs:

Orodemniades said...

"Protective" my ass. That's a man looking for some side action from someone who's not too bright.

Oro

Udge said...

Either she really is a rabbit-boiler, or she's neurotically insecure and he's humouring her, or Oro is right; but in any case you're right.

Lioness said...

Oro, I don't think he is actually. My antennae tell me they have a terribly complicated relationship and the reason he understands her behaviour is, he himself is prone to it.

Udge, I am aren't I. Yup.

Nancy said...

You are right. Best to step back from this and let it be.

Are you feeling a bit better?

D said...

There are many insecure people. And there are equally that many people who are unwilling or unable to risk a confrontation with such insecure people.
J, even with E. I've had such problems in the beginning. She'd had a shitty relationship before me, but I would be damned if I was gonna tiptoe around just to avoid baseless suspicions. Understanding is one thing, changing MY habits just to placate a sense of distrust is quite another.
You have to earn trust, of course. But you can only earn it from a person sincerely capable of giving it.

Sarah said...

Doesn't anyone buy into the "if he has interests elsewhere he was never really yours to begin with" theory? She sounds a bit on the psycho side, but if you have good reason not to trust someone, why waste time?

Thus spake the married-with-child chick.

And Australia?? Isn't that pretty far from Portugal anyway?

And one more disjointed thought: People who are into these kinds of relationships are doomed to keep getting into them over and over and over again. I think you're right to stay far away...unless you have Hester Pryne syndrome or something.

Diana said...

I've always thought it's way too complicated to try to hide stuff from those I'm close to.

I'm also blessed to have not been in that sort of relationship, even in my long vanished teens. I know they exist (and seem rather common) but I've just never 'gotten' them. Waaaay too complicated for my simple mind.

Lioness said...

Nancy, I am feling loads better, thanks. Sleep is a marvellous thing.

D, martial arts AND wisdom, who knew. changing MY habits just to placate a sense of distrust is quite another. Yes!

Sarah, I agree that we all have relationship patterns but I think most pople are simply fatalistic and in denial abt them. As in, this is as much as I'll ever receive, it's better to have a complicated relationship with someone I love than not to have them at all. But in this case I don't think it's abt trust, I think it's abt her own issues. I am in Portugal, the mails are as clean as they could be, what threat could I ever pose? It's mad but I am done with syndromes.

Diana, as you remember, it can be done - though, agreed, the truth has a way of popping out eventually. I had a boyfriend who was more than a bit mental and he actually wanted me NOT to tell him whenever I was going to meet my friend Mega. I refused but oh, the rows we had over inane things like this. Mental health is a friend, is all I can say.

CarpeDM said...

I don't get it. Why is it a big deal if someone has friends of the opposite sex? The more I hear about stuff like this, the more I'm glad that I'm single. This way I get to keep my male friends and not worry about ticking anyone off.

And you're right, if they want to hide the friendship, it does seem a bit dirty.

Shari said...

I have a friend who's married to
a guy who's cheated on her for 25 years. She denied it to herself for
20 of those years, and today is
VERY suspicious of his email, blog
habits. Yet she stays with him because she loves him and because some part of her UNDERSTANDS his need to "hunt". It IS complicated and I
AM glad that I don't have such a relationship, but its not so easy to just say they're nutters or losers or something like that.
In terms of your friends, what's clear is that he is trying to get around the limitations that she's
imposing. She may know and understand that he's a "hunter".

Lioness said...

Dana, that's maybe the wrong approach, yes? You can be in a lovely relationship as well, the option is not btwn singledom and rottenness. I hope you'll one day believe this.

Shari, I don't think he's a hunter, I simply think they have a complicatd relationship and he copes with her aggro by doing innocent things - i.e. talking to me - behind her back. My problem is, it then stops being innocent as far as I'm concerned even if he has no ulterior motives bcs it's lying of sorts, and I don't want to be a part of that. I don't think that people behaving this way are losers or nutters automatically, though I'll say his girfriend's jealously really is a tad pathological if he's not allowed any contact with females whatsoever. Frankly, I don't see how your friend could NOT be suspicious, she has good reason to be - but my point is, this woman doesn't, not with me, and if she reads his emails she's able to see it for herself. You're perfectly entitled to choose a girfriend over a casual ecquaintance but if it comes to a point where you do have to make a choice you can't have it all.