11 December 2007

DIY

How to self-diagnose tracheitis

Attend a lecture on Respiratory Disases in Wee Animals. Find out that tracheitis diagnosis is reached by pressing dog's trachea and elliciting cough. Press own trachea for fun and surprise yourself by presenting class with yet another exuberant coughing fit. Find self a tad cool for having achieved a trans-species diagnosis and add tracheitis to pre-existing rhinitis, sinusitis and bronchitis. Reflect upon how taking some meds again would be a good idea and wonder abt anti-histamines at the very moment professor starts expounding on why said anti-histamines should be given with care since they dry out the mucosa and the secretions themselves, of which you have plenty, so decide instead to start taking anti-inflammatories - seriously this time - behold the almost pun - bcs it is all inflammed anyway at the very moment professor expounds on the goodness of said drugs for such conditions as the ones you have. Take a moment to bask in the glow of Internal Medicine, the most glorious of all specialties, which allows for and demands intuition and detective work and frowns upon sawing and sweating over tiny iatrogenic holes. Really start taking the bloody anti-inflammatories and behold how fast your body responds to them and lo, headache is finally gone leaving a vastness of well-being and shoulders no longr wrapped around your ears behind. Wonder how long it will take your body to fully evict all parroty bits from the premises bcs your deafness and the misunderstandings that ensue are becoming one of your colleagues greatest source of mirth but your notes may now contain some surprisingly erroneous facts.

How to do Winter in Portugal

Find out you were actually placed in the Exotic Animals optional subject. Congratulate yourself on having filled the five possible subjects list with it, it may have saved some grey emminence from being beheaded because you certainly were not going to sit for an entire week being tortured with bollocky Risk Management or other equally fascinating subject. Find out said class will take place in the coldest, most acoustically-impaired auditorium in school. Attend said class and watch how no one takes off their coats for the whole 5 hours the first day. Watch how everyone taller than 1.60/5'3'' tries to not permanently damage their legs due to there not being enough space for them anywhere in the vicinity of the bolted tables and seats. Watch how everyone is trying their utmost to levitate just a tad bcs, as luck would have it, a lot of heat is lost through the buttocks via the metal chairs and your temperature drops at last 1 degree/hour so that by the end of the day your body temp will be abt 31.5ÂșC/97F but you will be too busy trying to uncurl your numb fingers to mind much. Watch how everyone has bulked up for today and started bringing capes and fleece blankets for the legs and pillows to sit on. Feel proud of being a Portie, other nations may burp the alphabet but you and yours can steam the whole if it with your breath. Anglos and their central heating may be taller but any Portie still alive is certainly sturdier, if hypothermic.

How to de-Nile

Decide to skip the end of December altogether this year, since not talking abt it isn't helping much. In fact, decide to skip the period from say, the 15th of December to the very end of February. Then find a way to actually do it, effective suggestions welcomed.

How to ruminate


Have a post brewing, the sort of broth that takes some time to properly thicken, revolving around men and their manly un-penis-y bits and how utterly delicious that life seems adamant abt placing variations of a tired and tiring theme bfr you. Absolutely know that it is so much better to be alone than in poor company [amen] and nail a tilted wooden thingy to the right doorpost with a scroll in modern Aramaic inside that reads Wankers will be persecuted. Call said post it It Takes A Strong Man To while mind-blogging and leave at that for now, bcs for now that is the best you can do.

7 furballs:

Anonymous said...

un-penis-y

[for me? thanks!]

V.

Udge said...

Intuition and detective work indeed. I congratulate you on the degree to which you have internalized this vetting stuff, and suggest that you might possibly be less hopeless at it than you sometimes fear.

Re men: I'm handicapped here by belonging to that oppressed minority so will only say that I await this post with trepidation. But full marks for "it is so much better to be alone than in poor company".

Lioness said...

V., can't very well write it and not dedicate it to you every single time can I. Now answer my mails bfr I become truly worried and ring you too early, thereby waking you up.

Udge, it will be my version of Gronemeyer's "Maenner", not a lot of trepidation needed really. Though - maenner do baggern wie bloede. Aber hallo.

Diana said...

Yes, yes; all the best docs ARE internists. It's where it's at.

I'd imagine Aruba or Fiji or somewhere similar with a coconut shell drink and a variety of cabana boys would make the time between mid Dec and the end of horrid Feb essentially fly by at warp speed. I think you should investigate.

CarpeDM said...

Ooh! I second the idea of cabana boys! Perhaps Pool Boy from the first few seasons of Mad TV? Of course if you don't get Mad TV in Portugal, this will not make any sense to you. Sorry.

M. Bee said...

If I press on my trachea it sets my gag reflex off. (I *think* I was pressing on my trachea.) Am I terminal?

In my happy place classes like Exotic Animals are taught in greenhouses.

No further comment on men.

And you could, theoretically, be flying around the world in a non-stop fashion, hopping from timezone to timezone in order to avoid the end of december. There's also pretending it isn't and not thinking about it, but they're much, much harder. *Hugs*

Chimmy's Ghost said...

Bah, I'm not tall (perhaps I'm not even Anglo). But, I can handle the cold with the best of 'em.

Metal chairs and freezing arses gives me an idea! I shall call them hot pants! Battery-operated bun warmers...think there's any money in that?