01 November 2007

My American Post

Hi dudes!

My friend V., the American imp, aggravates annoys me all the time bcs she keeps insinuating my British English must be wrong so I figured I'd try and be all American today y'all, how abt it. Cool. I'll give it my best shot, even if it means maiming - yes, MAIMING - proper words. Like color. And realize. (And this actually hurts. It hurts.) We've been here before, oh yes we have, and my guess is, it ain't gonna be the last time, no siree. Here, have a cookie, or some chips. You'll probably end up eating something you didn't quite expect but don't get your pants in an uproar, it's bound to be all downhill from here.

I decided to research this retrograde mercury thingy yesterday bcs it sure is good to have something the size of a planet, bcs it actually is a planet, to blame, Douglas Adams would be proud. (Incidentally, I started re-reading The Dark Tea Time Of The Sea on Uzi's birthday and just finished it yesterday. It took me 12 days, people, all of 12 days bcs I couldn't be arsed fagged bothered eek, don't know how to say it I didn't feel like reading at all except at bedtime, isn't it scary?) Now, bfr I go into it let me apologiZe [oh mother mom of all furballs!] for being cryptic. I wish I could tell you what happened that took my mojo away but this blog is read by some undesirables and it's not the sort of thing I'd wanna advertiZe [oh ichs]. But it was unexpected and of a tremendous magnitude for a small thing and it was particularly bad bcs it came from somewhere both close and safe. Uzi's birthday didn't help, of course. I haven't completely digested it but it is what it is, period. No point in dwelling.

In keeping with the Mad Mercury theme the dog had a bad seizure abt a week ago, at 4 am. This time the dr. decided she will start taking phenobarbit*al. I am less than pleased, it's hepato- and nephrotoxic, it causes habituation, there is no guarantee that it will even work - but she is having seizures every 4 months more or less and even though they never last long and her post-ictal phase is very short it is a bad average. I will also book a CAT scan to rule out tumors (tfu tfu tfu) and sell a kidney to pay for it while at it - even though they are very cheap at our hospital, ridiculously so, they cost abt 130E which is less than you pay for a contrast X-ray, but it is not cheap for me. Poor Papoila. This time she pooped - it was the middle of the night - and rolled all over it. It was a veeeeery long day. Poor thing, she was probably sleeping in the office when she started feeling off and must have been trying to come to me bcs I woke up to her nails hitting the hardwood floor outside my bedroom, which tells me her pre-ictal stage is very short too. Yesterday, by the way, was the anniversary of when I brought her home for an extended weekend. She was 4 months old and living at the hospital and since at that time it was empty on the weekends she was carted off to a different home every weekend (no wonder separation anxiety is her motto), mishkenah. The slumber party has been going on for 1827 days now and I fully expect 3654 more from her, minimum.

So, Mercury. Apparently it's been retrograde for a good while and is now, as we speak, getting ready to bounce back into its proper forward progression, which means the madness will soon stop. But it couldn't go off without a bang now could it, and I woke up at 8 am today to be shortly thereafter greeted by loud sirens. I've mentioned this bfr, whenever I hear an ambulance my heart rate immediately speeds up and not just bcs Porties absolutely do NOT know how to behave, either they won't move or the notion of automobiles on the left move to the left and the same goes for the ones on the right is too much for them and they will move every each way, delaying the progress of the ambulance to an astoundingly criminal degree, but I also always imagine how scared the person inside must be, if at all conscious. Not to mention firefighters, we lost one house to fire (my Grandma's, no one was in it but hey, it burned to the ground) and my parents and I were actually in our car when it burst into flames and I was 10 and oh good times, ever since then if I smell smoke while driving I go into Automatic Pilot Mode and will not relax until I establish where it's coming from, and I've pulled over more than once to give the car a good once over sniff and look for flames coming from the bottom, like that one time. So it's hardly surpriZing that my empathy always gets the best of me and leaves me gnashing my teeth and tachycardic. Picture my pleasure when I realised the sirens were all coming closer and closer, until an ambulance and two fire eng- trucks drove at top speed into my street. I quickly checked whether there was any smoke coming from my, er, apartment building bfr jumping into the elevator (otherwise a death trap) and rushing outside to find out whether I should be rushing back up to put the cats in the carrier and get the bloody bloody bloody hell out of there but it all turned out to be nothing, some man in the apartment building twice removed was doing something inside that caused smoke to stream out the windows and my neighbOrs were woken up by someone pounding on their doors screaming Fire!!!, which is a dandy way to start a, er, legal holiday. Nothing but a minor fright but boy, was I pissed.

[I'm sorry, you funny Americans, this was too much, I just pictured me fully inebriated at 8 am!]

Mercury may throw fits but it should all be returning to normal soon (give or take 2 or 3 days, apparently Mercury's exit also has a bit of a bite). And I am feeling better, a bit. Yesterday I woke up at 7.30 after a not so good night (anyone knows if Mercury induces nightmares? Have been having those galore.) and spent all morning and part of the afternoon organiZing my school stuff, I have downloaded every document and stored it in its proper folder and sorted out all my binders and I now know where everything is and then I did some more REVIEWING. We're evaluated at every turn even if we think we're not since this is the last year and it feels good to actually be preparing already, it means (tfu tfu tfu) exams should be easier, yes? I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, nothing says sanity like properly organised school work. NOTHING. Oh how I wish I could get my hands on your closets and offices, I'm so good at this shit it's a waste.

Ok, this has been draining, I tell you, draining. V., if you make me do this again I swear I will wrap you around that notorious first planet and leave you there to sun-roast while I plaster more than your eyelashes all over the internet.


[How did I do?? Tell me honestly. Please DO tell me, I need some cheering up in the shape of comments and I don't care if you criticise my attempt, my hair looks a fright, a bloody fright.]

13 furballs:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! You have me laughing out loud.

See what I mean about looking forward to seeing you?

And my verification word! It's oowqww!

V. of the Eyelashes

Lioness said...

Yes, but my point was, you read my last post and feel a desperate need to see me bcs I'm so entertaining? Mental. And obviously illiterate as well.

e-kvetcher said...

That was off the chain! Word!

Udge said...

Aye, lass, ye has a way with the blarney, that ye do.

I hope Papoila's problems are soon diagnosed and solved.

CarpeDM said...

What's with all the capital Z's? I'm confused.

You forgot to say okay 5,000 times.

orodemniades said...

Heh. You did fine. The funny thing is, we Americans say a lot of things that are British, but which the British currently don't say. Frex, I say 'hie thee to blahblah' and 'hide nor hair' (as in, I haven't seen hide nor hair of your awful Harry Potter book), neither of which are to be heard in the British Isles. And other things, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

As for spelling, I think that depends on how much English Literature one has been exposed to. Seriously. And, of course, different editions of books and the like. But for the record? It really is 'aluminum'. The Brits used to spell it that way too, until some bright English spark decided it looked better with the extra 'i', and it went in all the British dictionaries but not the American ones...so there!

Oh, and the other day, my mother, who's vacationed in Scotland for all of 3 weeks over the years, went and got herself a package of crisps when I was at my (American) hospital last week. Ha! Mr Oro was greatly pleased.

Ana said...

That was hilarious!

kirkjerk said...

That was pretty well done.

I guess I've read a lot of British English, switching from one to the other doesn't stand out for me.

My favorite "deep" difference is the UK way of using plural formations for (what seem to me to be) singular groups: Man UTD are going to win, vs. Boston has already won. (Hmm, come to think of it, if the name of a team is multiple, ala "Yankees", we will revert to plural; New York has lost, the Yankees have lost.)

My most recently noticed favorite difference is a sentence like "I could have done", with the implicit object. Most Americans will hear that and silently think "done what?" since they would at least tack a "that" on to complete the thought.

Diana said...

Tcha! You started off with "Hi" instead of "Hey". (Put that down. You asked.) Aside from that, you could easily pass for a Yank, pissed or otherwise. You also could have scored bonus points by signing it "love", but we've had that conversation before.

It strikes me that you and Popiola have way too much in common with your childhood affecting your adulthood. It's a very lucky thing she has you (and you her, not counting the cleaning up of the smeared to hell and gone poo in the middle of the night). I fervently hope the Phenobarb works like a charm and spares her every side effect but the one that causes relaxation and calm mood.

It's about time your life had a bit of good luck, dammit.

portuguesa nova said...

Nice try. Too intellectual. :)

Anonymous said...

PS: All I did was point out that you said something the same way the Frenchman does. And he does it by accident, not because he's a British English speaker. And look what I unleashed!

Now can you do Canadian? Or how about South African? (Honolulu!!)


Ms. Krieger said...

hm. Your US accent is very...mixed. It's hard to do, it's a big country and people from the different regions sound different. Hard to do from the outside. [think of that scene in Gosford Park when the servant girl says 'he's certainly not from any part of Scotland I've been to!']

The real give-away in this entry that you're not American is your British phrasing. That's harder to alter. When I read it I still heard your distinctive voice (in asmuch as I have an imaginary disembodied Lioness voice in my head, it was still you.)

Lioness said...

E-K., Udge and Kirk, thanks for lying but Ms Krieger got it absolutely right. Ms. K. - kudos, you diagonsed it perfectly, I too think I still sound like me only with bizarre words and spelling, I don't sound American at all.

Dana, the ZZ were bcs YOU spell words wrong. Like diagnoZe instead of diagnoSe - see?

Oro, alluminium I think is a Latin word, no? We spell it alumĂ­nio as well, it needs an "I" to be right, absolutely. Ergo, in my unbiased mind I'd say YOU're wrong.

Diana, I weaned her off after 2 normal doses, everything I've read tells me it's too early to start giving an animal that has mild seizures at 4 months intervals such a hepatotoxic drug. I'll try and find alternatives. Yeah, I love her to bits.

PN - Now that's offensive! That's actually me talking, only some words changed. Antipática! ;)

V., oh shut up, you've caused enough trouble as it is.