20 November 2007

As it turned out

I remember wondering, Why did I eat straw? Am I a ruminant now? I remember being tremendously excited abt it, thinking At last, all these stomachs, I'll no longer worry abt eveything simultaneously, I'll just put it all away in storage! but then it became too uncomfortable, not only bcs of the sharp straw bits which seemed to be poking my terminal colon from within but also bcs I was repeatedly being licked, by some other cow I reasoned, only the sound the licking made was crunchy, why crunchy?, and it was cold, why so cold? Right after that a tremendous coughing fit atop the straw proved too much and woke me up. Even my dreams are obvious these days.

As it turned out, I'd thrashed abt as I'm wont to and my right shoulder was exposed to room temperature, activating the hypothermia alert sequence. The day is grey outside and within, bleak, rainy, and thunder storms are expected. I'm still cold, I'm still allergic, my sinuses are still throbbing, I'm still vastly unamused by it, I'm in an introspective mood that befits the metallic greyness of today. I met for coffee with my rebbetzin yesterday and we talked abt life, the universe, the fish, the dolphins and the white mice. There is something fantastically gratifying abt having someone older and more experienced validate your feelings. It also brought back impossible hopes to the surface bcs she seemed to still have them for me. I'll be quiet though and attempt to let it all wash through me, zen through lack of choices as a strategy. It is what it is.

As it turned out, J.I.P. was positioned by my pillow, purring, licking my eyelids and gently pawing my face, habitual behaviour when it becomes too cold outside and she wants me to lift the duvet so she can snuggle in and sleep curled up against my belly. This cat, who is the size of an average male, has lately been so infused by love for me that she will precariously perch on my hip while I lie sideways on the sofa. Her life's been thus full of hardship lately bcs she too cannot become used to my violent sneezing and it invariably gives her a fright, she's fallen/jumped off me in a blind panic quite often in the past few days. The irony she is unaware of is, she too is prone to allergies and eosinophilic sneezes, slightly congested eyes. J.I.P. loves well and easily, anyone who's come round to visit can attest to that, she is single-handedly responsible for converting many non-cat lovers into believers when they sit down and I tell them to whisper her name and they do, and she promptly meows back and jumps onto their lap and makes herself comfortable, exhaling her bliss in purrs and kneads while the unsuspecting's eyes grow bigger with revelation. Some things she reserves for me only, though, mostly in the wee hours of the morning.

As it turned out, Hum-Hum was positioned on the other side of my pillow, grooming my hair, which, as always, results in bits of it being bitten off bcs she can't cope with its length, as it is not fur. Even the dog proves to be too much, although she persists. Cute it is though, heart-swelling.] For months when she was a baby I was forced to sleep with my head covered by the duvet, which I positively loathed. This cat is always so infused with love for me she will follow me around whenever I walk abt, chirping love songs and jumping up on her one hind leg to clearly mark my legs against outside appropriation, but lately it's been even more of a love fest, she simply cannot have enough of me. If I want to give her great joy all I have to do is pick her up and allow her to rub her jaw against and lick my face repeatedly, This is my human, this is my human, this is MY human. She is MY cat and MINE alone, let no one dare to doubt it. She will often lick herself into a frenzy that ends with my sore, bitten chin. She is not as approachable as J.I.P., even though she now rubs any legs that walk through the door picking up privileges are still scarce. It takes her a long time to accept such liberties and she doesn't forgive being left behind. She sulks when I'm away for a few days and even though she will still follow me around whenever I'm still she will sit with her back to me, or stare at a point above my head, who do I think I am. And when she bites off chunks of my hair it does indeed crunch.

As it turned out, I am not a ruminant, which saddens me a bit. The relief I experienced in my dream is still very vivid, it wouldn't solve all my problems but it would lessen them, they'd be too distracted by the penguins to bother me much. Those stomachey trunks could come in handy to people like me, poor compartmentalisers, big unified worriers, unable to not allow one piece of the whole become the whole. How do they do it? What gene am I missing, what trauma, what skill?

As it turned out, it wasn't my terminal colon and it wasn't straw - it was hubris, surely brought upon by my mentioning the dreaded entity in my last post. The good news is, it is not Juhrtroodj. The bad news is, I may yet be forced to find her little hard, knobbly new friend a name.

6 furballs:

Diana said...

Why can't our bodies be more like the cats: soft, warm, comfortable. Instead they can be their own worst enemies.

JoeinVegas said...

Sounds like you have a full enough house.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait to squeeze the furry ones soon... in approx 35 days, which reminds me: we have a whole bunch of paperbacks that I got free at a library post-booksale giveaway, some of them are definitely your style. One of us will send a list after the Frenchman has read them to see which, if any, you want us to bring.

And as for the rebbetzin, here's a whispered optimistic second to her validation of your feelings and her hopes for possible futures. She's been right before, you know.

Bjs from
The V.
(Not older and more experienced, but knowledgeable in the ways of being zen through lack of choices...)

CarpeDM said...

The dream is odd but I got all teary-eyed over the furry ones, especially remembering how JIP would just climb on top of anyone to be loved. And Hum-Hum with her "mouse."

The piles sound dreadful. Hope that's going to go away soon!

KitchenImp said...

Just a thought: Am I the only one who was afraid to click on the Juhrtroodj link, lest it too be a photograph?

The Kitchen Imp

Lioness said...

Diana, oh I know, i've been sneezing and gunking for almost a fortnight now, it's simply lovely.

Joe, always room for a piglet though. ;)

V., send the list, send the list!

Dana, all clear now. I'll try and post some new pics soon, all right?

K, you are a very sick person. If you think I'd ever post a picture of my pile - words fail me, truly they do.