18 November 2007

And I want a pig too!

I woke up an hour ago feeling human again, I'm grateful. Yesterday was a bit rough, horrid delirious night - I wonder how I accomplished that without an actual fever, very bizarre - followed by an anti-histamine-induced delirious day, I went round the blogosphere in the evening leaving incoherent, poorly typed comments and no one stopped me. I used to be immune to medication side-effects, never ever became so much as drowsy, prospects bleak from now on.

Although, I now am the sort of human who will liberally spray you with right-nostril blood upon sneezing - this post brought to you by Epistaxis, world leader in small blood vessel loss. [Well, better nasal venules than Gertrudes, may she long remain dormant.] And those of you who've never heard me sneeze cannot begin to imagine the magnitude of it. I'll give you proof and the promise that I am not making this up:

Exhibit 1 - While vacationing in Germany one summer I went to the shop down the road to buy some milk while my friends remained on the balcony. I sneezed as I was approaching the door on my way out, walked all the way up the road, back to the flat and rejoined everyone on the balcony, upon which I was greeted with a roar, GESUNDHEIT fueled by many a beer, bcs they'd heard the sneeze and who else could it possibly be.

Exhibit 2 - When I lived in Israel I happened to be in Jerusalem the day after a bombing. I was approaching Jaffa Gate, my fave way to enter the old city, and the sun started tickling my nose so I sneezed. The two orthodox men walking ahead of me threw themselves behind a lorry and dear God, I wish I were making this up bcs I was shocked beyond comprehension that my sneezing could ever be mistaken for a bomb and so I stood there rooted to the spot as they got up, shook the dust off their beards, fur hats and heavy coats (yup,
that sort, wasn't I lucky) and turned around furiously - only to be greeted by the sight of me, obviously an unclean female for she wore jeans and flaunted her bare elbows, obviously not related to them so they were not allowed to even look at me, let alone berate me - and what, berate me for sneezing? Sorry I gave you a fright but it's not like I did it on purpose, and my gonads and boobs weren't created as a personal insult to you either so enough with the madness already.

Danger lurks everywhere.

But basically I want a pig, this one. She could be a Pot-bellied pig, not sure
is a Canadian mini-pig [MANUELA! GUESS WHAT I'LL BE BRINGING BACK IN OCTOBER!]. She belongs to Agathe, a fashion blogger I've been following for ages now bcs her clothing style is always fun to behold, she's cool - and mad, in that it's -15ÂșC but I'll still actually leave the house in a dress and blouse and manage to breathe and smile way that people from Non-Southern Europe have. She has a piglet called Molvin and I am desperately in love. I'M IN LOVE. They make excellent pets, are absolutely clean and super clever - did you take a good look at that snout? I could gobble her up! Agathe, if you don't blog abt her from now on you'll force me to sic a Norwegian Ridgeback on you and then where will we be.

15 furballs:

Manuela said...

You are so right, that is the cutest little piggy EVER!!!

As for the sneezes, Attila swears I have the loudest sneeze in the world, so we can have a sneeze-off when you're here!

Udge said...

I'm glad you didn't do that when I was there, it would probably have given me a heart attack.

Validation word: ddtfqrpp, the sound of a potbellied pig blowing its nose.

m.bee said...

Get well soon! But before that happens... how about an mp3 recording? Of teh sneeze?

Jodi said...

I loved your comment on Jodifur, and t made perfect sense!

Lioness said...

Isn't she?? And she's Canadian! Woman, procure me one STAT.

Udge dahling, you're the sensitive type then? I'm glad I didn't then, I still give mother a fright every time, as does dad actually. The irony is, you should hear the lady herself sneeze. It's a familial curse.


Jodi, good God what did I say?? Have to go forage now, have absolutely no idea. Gosh but colds make me daft.

Jodi said...

I just wanted to say your comments are hysterical. And, I normally email people back but you didn't leave an email with your comments.

CarpeDM said...

I love the fact that your sneezes could be mistaken for a bomb. Hi-larious! And have never thought of having a pig for a pet but I am awfully fond of Pig and Pigette (my piggy banks) so maybe I'd consider it someday.

Lioness said...

Jodi, you mean you will no longer worship me when the anti-histamine wears off? Have a care now. Glad I didn't, I like comments better than emails bcs you never know who will reply to one and presto, comment love fest for your mirth.

Dana, you'd overfeed the poor thing, you're barely able to keep yourself alive, HANDS OFF THE PIG LEST IT BECOMES PORK! (mind, I first wrote "bearally" - help!)

Nancy said...

Just a warning Lioness...

Them piggy things is cute when babies. After they grow up? Not so much.

That does remind me of the time my grandmother's very prissy, very confrontational (from a distance), very BOSSY chihuahua was being walked, when suddenly, she came nose to nose with a little pot bellied pig that had gotten loose from a neighbors house.

The dog was never the same.

validation word: aheyxpbp....that sounds like a piggy sneezing...

Anonymous said...

The sneeze is truly terrifying. I speak from experience. Still shellshocked.

m.bee, I think an mp3 is a great idea.

Lioness, what do you say -- one of our gorgeous rock-n-roll shots (not just my eyelashes, I mean) on this blog, in exchange for you posting your sneeze? Or better yet, how about we YouTube it? You'd have an amazing fan club.


PS I think Papoila would be terrified of a piglet.

Jenny said...

Pie has a pig fetish these days. 1) There's a farm stand near us that we go to, oh, about three times a week (okay, four. Maybe five). They have some animals and no matter how fast I want to get out of there or how bitter cold it is, Pie starts screaming as soon as we're near the place. "Pig! Pig! Pie see ping! Oink oink oink!" She could stand (read: be held by me) forever watching that pig 2) We went to a family Friday night Shabbat service two weeks ago. Miraculously, all the kids were quiet during the silent Amidah. And then, about a minute in, a vile snorting sound erupts. Yup. My Pie. Snorting during the silent Amidah. Does that count as treif?

Lioness said...

Nancy, oh go on, pigs are lovely! And they're sweet tempered as well. THEY ARE THEY ARE THEY ARE.

V., no no no no. Keep the eyelashes.

Jenny, that's hysterical! Though, pardon my ignorance, do you have a loud amidah?

Jenny said...

It was always my understanding that in Orthodox shuls, the Amidah was said both silently and aloud. But considering I don't frequent Orthodox shuls very often, I may be wrong.

Lioness said...

Alright, now I understand.

The Amidah should not actually not be silent but only the person saying it should be able to hear it. I.e., we're not supposed to simply read it or mouth it. I don't know abt Reform but this is how it is properly done in Conservative and Orthodox communities.

Jenny said...

That's interesting to me. I self-identify as reform (which is how I grew up) but my family (meaning me, Adam, Pie & Doodles) actually belongs to a Conservative shul, so I'm learning as I go along (truth be told, I'm currently studying for my b'nai mitzvah). I attend the evening minyan once a week, and generally, it is very silent in there--when one man is there, though, I can hear him sort of "humming" along with the Amidah. Interesting to me to learn this is how it is supposed to be done! All the services I've been to, it's been very quiet.

And I thought of you yesterday during our Tot Shabbat service because during that service (for newborns to preschoolers) a short Amidah is recited aloud by everyone together. So it's definitely a "loud" Amidah. :-)