14 September 2007

What's Love Got To Do With It

I came back from the synagogue and sat down to study. Of course, that inevitably led to my having to watch a film first. A chick flick. To set the mood, bcs nothing says infectious diseases like some heavy snogging. So I watched The Wedding Date - and honestly? It was mostly bcs of the main actor [*lust happens*].

I remember him from Must love Dogs, excuse me while I drool, at length. He's got an absolutely smashing face. Today at the synagogue we were talking bfr the service started and it was all men and I and one of them said something abt my ogleing bums [eh, don't even know how we got round to it but the atmosphere was very heavily testosterone-charged and I was in stitches the whole evening] [it was actually rather a lovely way to start a new year, amidst peals of laughter] [am lost now] - right, bums. I replied I'm not really a bum girl.

I'm not you know. Of course I appreciate a nice firm bum, I'm not completely daft, but what I really am is a lips girl. A shoulders and height girl, a smell girl, an intense eyes girl, a cheekbones girl. The bum is quite down there in my list of priorities. And I had a fully sensible point bfr I fully lost my way due to the digression but at some point in the film he tells her every woman has the relationship she wants. After a visceral albeit brief indignant rsponse I realised he is right [also, those lips could never lie, have you seen those lips, plus, PLUS!, he has a scar above his top lip, I find such scars really sexy, his is definitely lickeable, I had a boyfriend once who had one just like that and bfr we got together I was talking to a friend of mine and said it was all I could do when talking to him to not lean in and lick it and she cried out Johnny!!, utterly shocked, as though I were behaving with wanton abandon or something equally Victorian and this is hysterical bcs this friend?, this friend was very... generous with her lurving (I couldn't even repeat most of her stories here but remind me to tell you abt the one with the Yugoslavian at some point). I did eventually get round to licking that scar and yes, it was worth the anticipation. One down, one to go. *braces self*]

So I was thinking abt that, and it's true, we do end up having exactly the relationships we want. They may not always be the healthiest, mind, they may even make us miserable, but anyone who is in a relationship that is dysfunctional in any way and chooses to stay is someone who is still, for whatever reason, getting at least part of what they need from it - or they'd have been long gone.

People often say life's too short for *pls insert aggravation of choice*. I've said it myself. But we're all wrong, it isn't too short at all. I mean, in some cases it may be cut too short but for all intents and purposes life's long, life's too bloody long for us to live with the results of the right choices for the wrong reasons or the wrong choices for the right reasons or, God help us, the wrong choices for the wrong reasons. And as terrible as I am at letting go of people I can be, incongruously, rather abrupt and determined abt it when I finally come to terms with the fact that It Is What It Is. I have cut people from my life very easily, no regrets, when they behaved in a manner that led to my losing respect for them - and do you know, respect isn't a terribly hard thing to lose, sometimes all it takes is a sentence. A very, very wrong sentence. And once that respect is gone it's all gone, everything, and I find myself looking at them and thinking how funny that someone who was once so meaningful, be it love or friendship, is left meaning so little that I'm not fazed by them in the slightest ever again.

Remember Uzi and everyone telling me how strong I am? Well, I am forced to agree. I am strong. For some reason, bcs this isn't all abt how I choose to act or react, for some reason I can be strong. And I am mighty pissy that I've had to be strong so often in the past few years, enough with the strenght already, I aim for normal now, all I want is un-drama. My friends kept telling me how proud they were that I was passing all my exams when The Defunct drama was unfolding [We call all our exes The Defunct, as in Have you heard from The Defunct lately?, sometimes followed or preceded by a colourful expletive.] and how proud they are that I have managed to bounce back so fast. And I suppose I did bounce back fast. Scarred, mind, and a bit scared, but not enough to have turned cynical. Bcs see, I did choose to stay in that relationship long after I was profoundly unhappy with it. So if I am lucid and choose to stay I am having exactly the relationship I want then, even if it's not the one I would have wanted, even if that's not the man I dreamt of being with. And there was a reason I put an end to the whole surfer nonsense even if it was an extraordinary ego boost. See, it was what I'd wanted but what I'd wanted wasn't real, time to let go. It makes perfect sense.

I was never one for much diplomacy. Shocker, I know, but I simply don't have it in me. I can be perfectly diplomatic and swallow frogs as needed, as we say, but it comes at a very high cost for my supra-renals bcs my gut reaction is to go for the jugular there and then, to settle it immediately, to not drag the nonsense any further if it can be helped - and I'm always inclined to think that yes, it very much can be helped! I am rarely rude but I am very often blunt. What you get is what you see and if I tell someone else something abt you chances are I have already told it to your face. I am sometimes criticised for it but you know what? Lick me. No really - LICK ME. The criticism mostly comes from people who are too afraid to let others know how they truly feel and I am tired beyond words of cowards. See, life really is too long for cowardice. By the same token I am not very good at hiding how I feel - when I am miserable I am all miserable and people can always tell even if they don't know me very well. I have often wished I could be different, I have often wished I too could wear a mask so I'm not read as easily, I've often wished I could be the sort that goes for long walks instead of letting the boiling blood spill out immediately, the sort that can have an argument without raising one's voice - the sort that can be the way I am not, to put it simply. But sometimes being me is rewarding. I was lucky enough to have had my past come knocking at my door yesterday and today (and sedately at that) and do you know, I found it small. I am fine, I really am, and I knew I was but it is most excellent to realise that there are definite advantages to simultaneously being this impulsive and past-clingy. It may take me a while to bury something but once it's finally buried, well, Buffy it ain't. It stays dead.

To sum it up: Life + long = THUNDERDOME, BITCHES! And never look back.

It all ties in beautifully. L'haim, dahlings!

PS - And this one goes to my friend in the cave, bcs I don't know how to help her right now. But her Right Man is standing by her side and he does. And for that I am grateful. I'm here, you know. When you're ready.

4 furballs:

Udge said...

nothing says infectious diseases like some heavy snogging

Oh, you are so brilliant. What a wonderful start to the year.

Great post, great story; I'm very happy for you.

Lord Chimmy said...

I find such scars really sexy, his is definitely lickeable...

So do I! I love it when a girl has a cool scar. I'm a sucker for imperfections. Blemish? Hardly!

This post is all aces. You're dead on about relationships. Hell, I think I actually SEEK dysfunctional relationships. Seriously...I think deep down I enjoy the drama! I'm a nutcase!

The criticism mostly comes from people who are too afraid to let others know how they truly feel and I am tired beyond words of cowards.

You and I are kindred spirits. I feel the same way. Don't hold back I say...if people have a problem with what I say then that is THEIR problem. Not mine.

Life really is long. I'm nearly 34, and it feels like I've been alive forever! If I live another 34 years who the hell knows what will happen?! It blows my mind.

You nailed it tonight. Big smooches to you ;)

Manuela said...

Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

And I'm with you on the scar and smell thing. If the smell isn't right, I just CAN'T go there, even if the person is otherwise ideal.

Lioness said...

Udge, oh, believe me, I wasn't wrong abt the snogging! Most delectable. Then again, with those lips...

Chimmy, YES! And I have one film for you: Blade II, the woman who plays Nyssa has that exact same scar - I noticed it and she's not even a man. Fab, fab scar.

Manuela, isn't it? Smell is so bloody important I could rave abt it all day long. Or just inhale, as the case may be.