11 September 2007

I'm like a bird (but not a vulture)

When I still lived in Israel this song once came on when I was sitting with Z., Uzi's brother. At that time it had been playing non-stop on the radio for weeks and I couldn't hear it anymore without wanting to gnaw off my inner ear. Z. noticed my reaction and asked me why I disliked it and we talked a little bit abt it.

I don't even remember Uzi being in the room, I remember this as a strict Johnny + Z. moment and yet, when the song just came on right now, I felt a pang of nausea and my heart is racing. The new year is around the corner and I won't have any more new beginnings with my Tig bcs he is dead, dead dead dead, and Nelly is now asking why do all good things come to an end and I am heartbroken, I want him back, I want my Tig back, I WANT HIM BACK.

Shanah tovah umetukah.

Right.

I wish it were Yom Kippur already, am much more in a frame of mind for this all to be over.

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PS - I said I wouldn't discuss my love life on my blog anymore and I haven't, at best you may have caught glimpses of it. I will not go into any detail now other than to say that today, seeing as this time is about proper endings, proper beginnings and above all proper behaviour, I ended all semblance of a relationship I may hypothetically have had for a couple of months now bcs for the hypothetical person involved it wouldn't have been fair any other way, reality should never be replaced by fantasy no matter how convenient the package. I wasn't exactly using him but I haven't been completely honest either and it was all spinning out of control fast so this is my mea culpa to the world.

I do feel much better now, I am my own salvation again. It never really is otherwise is it, no matter how much we may try to hide behind others. We always catch up with ourselves in the end and we might as well be standing tall, ready to fully see and admit, not crouching in self-delusion.

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PPS - Thunder outside, thunder. Help! Storms always give me a fright, I cannot stand them, CANNOT STAND THEM, and apparently neither can the dog, she is trying to hide under the coffee table and I've already had to shove some diazepam down her throat bcs this is just the thing that would bring abt a fit and am seriously contemplating rubbing some all over my gums. Bloody hell of a time to do the right thing and let the male go, this is what happens when you try to be decent, Winter at its worst lands on top of your unsuspecting head, why bother. Oh it's getting closer, fuck, I bloody hate thunder storms! OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD this was one right above me, I had to live on the top floor didn't I, am getting off the computer and unplugging everything shitshitshit I CANNNOT STAND THIS I HATE THUNDERSTORMS!

5 furballs:

JoeinVegas said...

Unfortunately fantasy is usually better than reality. Hope they match for you someday soon.

Diana said...

I'm proud of you. In the end what we think of ourselves is what matters the most, isn't it. You will always be shiny and lovely to me but I want that for you, too.

KitchenImp said...

[[[Johnny]]]
[[[Johnny]]]
[[[Johnny]]]

You did the right thing. Even if I don't always give the best advice, I think I know a good decision when I see it. This is a good one. (Letting the new one go, that is, not unplugging everything for the thunder storm.)

CarpeDM said...

Oh, sweetie. It is a good thing. And it will be fine.

As for the thunder storm, remember it is just as afraid of you as you are of it. Okay, no it isn't but it sounds good, right? Ride it out, it'll pass. They always do. I'll be thinking of you.

Lioness said...

Joe, I am sure they will. Not settling is part of ensuring it.

Diana, I feel like a porpoise now, all blubbery and sleek.

K., I knew you'd approve.

Dana, you realise the storm was long gone by the time you posted this right? No? Thought so.