23 August 2007

How Johnny TRULY got her groove back

Busy days, busy busy days, doing nothing but good, lazy things. That weekend was absolutely fabulous, we had the time of our lives. On Sunday it was too windy to sunbathe but it was all lovely, and her pets? Oy, she has 2 dogs I knew, 2 new ones - rescues, an old one who had been in a shelter for a year without being adopted and one that she saw being dumped on the highway and is still young but has no front teeth bcs she probably used to be kicked. I swear, people who hurt animals, children or the elderly should be awarded extremely slow, painful deaths. Also, she has a new cat who is still a baby and gosh, the level of adorableness during that weekend was too much for me, every time I went to the loo there were the 2 cats sleeping cuddled on a pillow and whenever one of them woke up he'd start to furiously lick the other, it was all I could do not to gobble down the whole menagerie.

On even happier news, my friend's Shrimpy's white, fully deaf cat disappeared the day bfr yesterday. She managed to slide open a window and jumped down onto the street and I spent the whole afternoon putting up flyers (130) and walking around, actually managed to give my feet some nice 1st degree abrasion burns BUT all worth it, yesterday morning she received a phone call, the cheeky cat had wandered all the way down to the firehouse and had been found sleeping on one of the firemen's beds, all curled up and comfy. She had also had time to throw every unbolted item from the shelves and liberally scattered them on the floor. She was recovered, covered in oil and a tad nervous but otherwise all right, it's like a small miracle! Of course, not nervous enough bcs I found her a few hours later trying to open up the window with her paw, the stupid cat.

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Some of you have asked whether I really am this fine or am putting on a brave face, and if I really am this fine then how, so soon? This will be the last time I speak of it, no need for me to anymore, but I've always been annoyed by those bloggers who absorb support while they need it and then when things become normal they're gone and we don't hear abt the good bits. Here are the good bits then.

Well, you all read this blog, right? I was never able to put on a brave face, not really, you've seen those posts, you've seen Uzi's, we are what we do, we do as we are, I am what and as I write. I must write to purge, I must write to make sense of life, I must write bcs it's what I do when things are good and it's what I do when things are bad, especially then. And it's not soon either, I had been mourning the relationship and the qualities he didn't have that I found essential for quite a while. But that's not even the biggest part, the truly big step was relinquishing Magical Thinking, induced by the old How Could I Have Been So Wrong? See, one day I realised I hadn't been, and was left to struggle with understanding how you can spend 2 years with someone and not see that they have such an ugly side but that's exactly it, I never did have the chance bcs nothing that would try us and made us reveal the darker side of our characters had happened, and you can really only know someone well when things go wrong - that's when their true colours shine, when they're handling great pain, hopefully with dignity and respect for themselves and the ones involved. But sometimes all you can do is hope really and sometimes all your hoping won't change a thing, I couldn't reconcile the man I had lived with with the callous, selfish, disloyal man I suddenly had to contend with, and that's when Magical Thinking came along - you know, he can't possibly really be like that, I need to hold on to the memory of the Other Man, I need for him to be the Other Man, this must be a passing thing or I simply wasted myself on someone I'd never ever have wanted had I known better.

And one day, around the last week of July/beginning of August, I suddenly had a humungous breakthrough, I realised that he is in fact the man I thought he was as long as reality isn't taxing, but he is not the man I thought he was when things become difficult or hurtful. And both live within him, both are him. There's always a certain degree of compromising in a relationship but those things I had been mourning suddenly seemed so irrelevant bcs it's the big things I am not willing to compromise on and I suddenly realised that his behaviour (and I stopped talking abt it but let's just say there was more and it was sordid) was not a matter of immaturity, that was my Magical Thinking at work bcs immaturity simply means this is what you are now, it's not necessarily who you are going to remain, there's still the chance you will become someone fully good and honourable. This, and that is the sad truth I now fully accept, was a matter of inner structure. This is exactly who and how he is wired to be and knowing it was pivotal for me bcs the moment I realised it I could see the furry cotton tail of my Magical Thinking vanishing in the distance and what's more, I didn't miss it. You can fight your inner wiring yourself, sometimes we do therapy, sometimes life deals us a tremendously effective slap that wakes us up but you can't fight someone else's wiring. And this wiring is not of a sort I could ever want near me or mourn at length and at that very moment I was done, absolutely, unequivocably DONE. Do I think I wasted those 2 years? I don't know. We had some absolutely astonishingly beautiful times but to me the whole picture matters a great deal. I can no longer listen to Cat Stevens bcs I cannot separate the normal man who wrote them from the demented fanatic he's become, I've never been good at compartmentalising. What my antennae tell me will happen is this, I will eventually stop feeling midly perplexed, tainted and even embarrassed for him and I will remember the good times fondly, as I do those I had with others, but in that detached manner that comes when you lose all respect for someone. I'm lucky that I am able to respect all of my exes bfr him, it's not a bad average [eh, just remembered the mad one - all right, all but him]. I also can't explain how love can disappear so swiftly except to say we had lost a whole lot of it already, and my clinging on to him or rather the idea of him was ultimately not bcs I still loved him and wanted him back, it was bcs I have never ever been able to handle disloyalty and will refuse to believe someone can just callously betray my trust - or anyone's for the matter - for as long as life allows me to. I went through the exact same motions with that friend-sister I lost so I know this with whole thing went beyond the partner realm. But it being structural to me equals a sort of character that, as a whole, is deficient. And life's too bloody short and too bloody hard for some truths to be avoided simply bcs they're ugly - those are the ones that need to be faced ASAP. So I was wrong, the whole was not what I was certain it'd be - tough luck then, it happens. Shit happens. But I was not, nor have I ever been, blind. And the moment I was ready to see the whole I saw it, and the moment I saw it something shifted inside of me and I let it go, magical thinking and love leftovers alike. And I know this is permanent bcs if I imagine him kissing someone else, shagging someone else, marrying someone else, having children with someone else - honestly, on the life of my family, my friends, my pets, I do not care. Amazing how liberation can happen just like this.

There is the small matter of how to ever be able to fully trust someone now but I am not overly worried, though I am more wary - which in my case can only be a good thing, my naivité being widely mocked. There were a few signs along the way but, and I have been fortunate this way, I have not had to deal with people close to me being disloyal often and so those signs were meaningless bcs I didn't have the experience to read them. I now do, a bit more. But at the end of the day it's always a leap of faith isn't it and I will always believe that people can be good and decent. Those who choose not to - and yes, it IS a choice, if they're not mentally retarded they'll know exactly what they're doing but they won't care - well, they are worthy neither of my time nor my fretting.

These past few months were nightmarish, you saw how unable to understand I was, how injured, how raw, how HOW???. But ultimately, the very end of it all for me truly was this easy. And really, life IS good. I am one of the fortunate ones.

11 furballs:

Udge said...

Good for you! (in both senses of the phrase). I'm very pleased to hear this voice in you again.

Life is good. Enjoy it.

BTW and FWIW and as far as I can tell, your naivité is mocked only by yourself. Put the stick down.

Savtadotty said...

This is truly good news. Especially the part about someone else's wiring. It has nothing to do with you, and when you realize that, you're home free!

Lioness said...

Udge, no no no, my friends mock me mercilessly - not in a bad way, more in a "how could you have reached that age and still believe that x/y/z??" I also freelya dmit that being this naive at times is not a good thing. But mostly, yes, it IS good to be back to my old self, excellently so!

Savtadotty, it's not even that, I never thought this was abt me, but wiring just makes all resistance futile, you can't force someone to be and do good if they're not built that way. Letting go is the only sane thing to do and let someone else worry abt the possible waste of it.

JoeinVegas said...

Yes, I'm happy that you feel better. So, now, are you going to get some kittens for yourself?

Lioness said...

Joe? I can only interpret your comment as meaning that I, having had such fun with my friend's pets, should now find some for myself. Right? Well. Joe? You have been reading me for ages and ages, I do have two cats, and one dog, two cats who wake me up at night for several reasons and one very neurotic and apparently epileptic dog. I should need a kitten added to this? PLUS, I live in a flat! Stay off the hard liquor and the heat.

Diana said...

We've chatted, so you know how delighted I am with each and every step of healing you take, big and little, and this was a very large step of healing.

I hope you don't lose your naivite, either. It adds to your deliciousness. (And for what it's worth, I don't think you have; just added to your wisdom.)

I think kittens and puppies are beyond adorable but am glad mine are grown. Adorable for long stretches is rather exhausting.

squarepeg said...

Hey, Johnny darling, I've been very much 'away' for months and wasn't witness to the shit hitting the fan. But I'm so happy for the return of your groove and the recent great exam successes. I have to say, on a personal note, that -- mocking notwithstanding -- your trusting and arguable naivete is what makes you a deeply lovable human being. So whatta ya gonna do? It's your wiring! You have always melted my misanthropic, untrusting circuits, baby, so rock on!
much love,
S

Lioness said...

Diana, yes, the final one. Thank God. As for puppies and kittens, I love being an Auntie but that's it.

S., dahling! I was just thinking abt you yesterday, wondering how you were. I haven't checked your blog in the longest time either, does this mean you're writing again? As for my naivité, well, I'd gladly get rid of th bit of it that makes me this gullible and stupid.

Lord Chimmy said...

There is not another blogger like you. So extraordinarily unique you are! Your self-revelations are always so detailed and...inspiring.

I'm happy to see you get your groove back. I'm not always commenting these days, but I'm always reading my trusty blog reader ;)

I swear, people who hurt animals, children or the elderly should be awarded extremely slow, painful deaths.

I whole-heartedly agree.

CarpeDM said...

Oh, I'm glad you're doing better! Yay! Those kittens sound lovely.

Barefoot Jewess said...

Sweetie,

I haven't been around for a long time now, so am glad for the update.

As soon as you said the words "callous" and "disloyal", I completely understood. There are some things that are not negotiable, some things beyond the pale. To me, respect trumps love.

I am sorry this happened to you. But I am so glad you see things as they are with such acuity.

You write sooo beautifully. Thank you! It's always such a pleasure to read you.