31 August 2007

Baby, baby, where did our love go

1. Yesterday I was in the hallway and thought to myself How funny, that furball looks like a dry cat turd. And then I thought to myself, How clearly unfunny, that furball is a dry cat turd. The hallway is right next to the kitchen and the only way for a turd to have ended up there, right bfr the front door, right where you can step on it the best, is for a very determined cat to bat it all the way across from within the depths of the kitchen. I was almost tempted to move the litterbox into the bathroom again but then I remembered this is Hum-Hum. She franchises. A lot. And this scatological talk is indeed hysterical bcs, allow me to share:

2.
For each admnistration a small amount of ointment is enough - pea-sized, and it should be applied to the anal region and orifice with a finger, overcoming the sphincter's resistence with one's fingertip. For intra-rectal use use the nozzle, which can be screwed on. In highly inflammed processes, therefore particularly painful, it migth be adviseable the use of one's finger for intra-rectal admnistration. Nodular prolapses should be covered with a thick layer of ointment and very carefully reinserted in the rectum.
Nothing is being introduced or re-introduced back, you understand though. Nothing. If something should choose to protrude I'll just call it Gertrudes [Juhrtroodj] and welcome it to my humble abode. In fact, I have, piles of the nasty variety do not lie in waiting, the truly horrid ones stretch out a bit, deflatedly so, feeling for all the world like a, I don't know, like a bloody rogue vein that will do as it pleases, all stretched out and Please sir could I have some more. Glove nowadays much in use, obviously. EXTERNALLY. And that is even more hysterical bcs:

3. I vastly prefer a more liquidy diet under certain conditions.
*clears throat* I had bought the ingredients for pumpkin and spinach soup [I make a bloody excellent pumpkin and spinach soup] [also a very good way to impress someone, were you interested in impressing someone] [hypothetically speaking] and they had to be cooked anyway so it all seemed to be coming along splendidly, no food wastage, no excess of solids, just brilliant soup. And then, I, the fair-headed blue-eyed one with the obviously Erithrean past life added the final touch to it, loads and loads of piri-piri. Enter the Wilkipedia:
PIRI-PIRI [aka malagueta if you're a Portie][also, my snobbery would like you to know that all other spellings may be in use but are indeed wrong]: African birdseye (or African devil or African red devil that grows both wild and domesticated. It is a small and extremely spicy member of the ) is a cultivar of the chili peppercapsicum plant genus. (...)
Soup turned out bloody gorgeous but do you understand what I just did? Do you understand the amount of denseness in my behaviour? Do you realise the predicament I am now in? DO YOU?? How in the bloody hell will I survive vasts - humungous! - amounts of malagueta slapping dear Gertrudes in the face repeatedly? She'll scream viciously, blood-curlingly, probably ensuring the separation of the Iberian Peninsula from the rest of Southern Europe which will be a good thing only if Spain finally deigns to invade us, and provided they do win this time and dear God please let them win this time.

I am now going to ring my doctor friends and they'd better prescribe me enough sprayable codeine to last me a digestion or ten or I'll sew a certain sphincter shut and GERTRUDES, I'M TALKING TO YOU, YES I AM. Her and her littler sisters actually, she's simply the alpha female. Welcome to the gothic remake of
The House Of Bernarda Alba. And speaking of Southern Europe (of sorts) (Latin anyway) (our definition of Latin anyway),

3.1. How do you Anglos et al survive without bidets? How do you keep your bits ALWAYS clean? I have never been able to understand that hygiene deficiency on your part and I would truly love to know. No reason to feel shy discussing it, you've reached the end of
this particular post after all. But really - how?? [NOTE: a conversation with Manuela brought to my attention that some of you think a bidet is a thing that squirts water up yours - literally. NO NO NO! That's not a bidet, that's a faecal/blood aerosolisation machine and by the way, what the bloody hell? How thoroughly vile! Ours have regular faucets, like this, you can wash yourself properly and not spread whatever it is you're trying to get rid of everywhere!]

4. I leave you with the appropriate parts of the lyrics from today's title:

I've got this yearning, burning
Yearning feelin' inside me
Ooh, deep inside me
And it hurts so bad

You came into my heart
So tenderly
With a burning love
That stings like a bee
Shabbat shalom, you lot, hope you have a splendid weekend, I myself have had more auspicious starts. Pray that I don't wring Gertrudes' little turgid neck thereby ensuring death by arsanguination.

-------------------------------
PS - And now, heartburn. Heartburn. I'd like to take a moment to thank my miscarriage for the countless acidic ways in which, after more than a year, it continues to enrich my life. *wipes tears, praises Jesus, exits stage*

PPS - I forgot the stupid soup on the stove. It now pongs. Hell hath no fury and all that and shavua tov, Gertrudes, you can wipe that bloody smirk off your face now.

20 furballs:

Udge said...

Oh dear. I wish you luck and ice cubes.

JoeinVegas said...

And you call it Gertrude? I don't know how to respond - except with a grimmace of shared pain. Ouch.

Lioness said...

Udge, ice cubes?? Honestly, ICE CUBES? You have very obviously been spared arse afflictions. They are square and unwieldy and therefore painful. Ice cubes - *snort!*

Joe, no, I call it GertrudeS, with an S. Pronounced Juhrtroodj. Ice cubes - I bet you shuddered as well didn't you.

Udge said...

Yes, sorry, a slip of the tongue. I meant "icy fingers of rubber gloves full of water" as previously blogged.

"Gertrude" is a very suitable name, somehow, although or because it reminds me of Gertrude Stein and that whole slightly dubious Vichy esthetic.

Regarding 3, and in reply to my chastisement elsewhere: We Anglos are suspicious of bidets because we suspect and fear that there might be a smidgen or two of near-inadvertent sexual excitement to be had in their use. This is of course a Very Bad Thing Indeed. We use soap, water and our fingers, in the shower or bath; the procedure is of course entirely free from the dangerous risk of sexual excitement.

Udge said...

I say "we"; obviously I'm extrapolating from my own behaviour and observation. Not that I conducted a quick survey or anything of that sort.

Lioness said...

See, you missed my Caveat, we must have posted simultaneously, read the bidet bit again, talking with Manuela has enlightened me, our bidets are NOT douches, not at all, all very asexual indeed. The cleanest of clean.

And I cannot imagine less of a turn on than being sprayed by excretions! BLECH.

Anonymous said...

MANUELA:

Johnny: my arse hurts!
that is all
me: roids??
Johnny: what bloody else
plus did something v smart, will pay price tomorrow
me: ugh
Johnny: new post re it
me: oh honey
Johnny: but it's funny, no?
me: dilute the digestive tract...
Johnny: bloody tasty soup tho
me: what if you consume loads of dairy
Johnny: yes, cheese figures heavily in my diet
I'll try and drink loads of water
me: yes
gallons
re your bidet question
here's what I don't get
why don't they have seats??
and
Johnny: what do you mean??
you dont need seats!
you just perch there for a short while
it's not a theatre
me: well we could just perch over toilets, too
but we SIT
Johnny: not the same angle
me: also
Johnny: I'm laughing hysterically here
me: the ones I've used
Johnny: remember?? No more period mess... but I digress
Johnny: I need to get one of those!
me: the Japanese ones have these stupid air dryers
so then you HOVER there until dry???
Johnny: oh pls, we're too busy to dry our own arses?
me: wtf
and there's not enough water pressure to do anything but sort caress the area...
Johnny: argh
me: certainly not enough to CLEAN it
Johnny: thats even worse!
me: so... in light of this... I’ve never seen the point quite frankly
we should just copy and paste this conversation
Johnny: I know!
me: the horizontal spray ones are integrated into the toilet seat
so... let's spray SHIT towards the vagina!
and
Johnny: oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh no no no!
me: I can't get past the idea of the toiler and bidet in one...
as though... it's using the water you've just soiled
Johnny: thats just wrong!
me: makes me GAG
GAG I tell you!
It's not the same water, obviously
but psychologically??? shudder
will copy and paste... hang on
Johnny: http://www.magicjohn.com/
me: YOU SEE!!!!
Johnny: this is not a bidet, this is a... don’t even know!
me: HOw ICK is that!!!
Johnny: THAT'S NOT A BIDET!
me: now you see my issue!
Johnny: THAT'S AN ABERRATION!
me: there's hope then, for me to become a bidet convert
Johnny: YES! every woman loves it, and many men i know wash their bum too
much cleaner living!
me: I'm very fastidious.
Johnny: just hop onto it and presto
me: I actually use wet diaper wipes.
Johnny: none of that stripping to hop into bathtube to wash bleeding cooter
yes, not the same after you've had a bidet
nothing quite like it
me: send me a pic of a PROPER bidet
Johnny: am looking, do you know how hard it is to find one??
tf??
found one!
exactly what mine looks like!
http://fotos.sapo.pt/sylvinha/pic/0000q2fa/s340x255

Orodemniades said...

1. We need the recipe, please, cuz it's coming up on pumpkin season. Okay, in two months, but hey, I like to be prepared.

2. I would freakin' love a bidet! Especially during the week I spent in the hospital, wherein I learned some very important lessons about personal hygiene when one has gained 35lbs of water and is in abdominal pain and can't, ah, reach.

Yeah, I can't tell you how glad I was to pee all that water out...

3. I'm very happy I have a European style washer - I wish I had an electric shower, too!

4. You made me cry with your candle offer on shabbat. You're a sweetie.

Anonymous said...

For the un-bidet-knowledgeable out there: think of what it's like to sponge-bathe at the bathroom sink. You know, the days when you're just way too late to have a shower, and you have to wash the bits extremely quickly and dash off.

Now, imagine if you could do that in a quite comfortable perching position over a little mini-tub, a kind of low-slung sink-like contraption which to our eyes looks dangerously like a toilet but is *nothing of the sort*. (See pic link in comment above.) It's a miraculous invention, very useful. One can also use it to wash one's feet on a very hot day. Living in Portugal I was converted.

Thank you, Lionness, for bringing up this critical topic. Hope the bootie feels better soon...

Oh, and one other way a very fluffy cat can leave a dry turd far from the cat box is by having it accidentally get stuck to her fur. Happens a fair amount over here.

xxoo
V.

Lioness said...

Oro, it's a very simple one, will email it to you. Also, you still have to reach if you sit facing the faucets but, BUT, and this is the absolute brilliancy of it, you can sit facing out and do it the other way round. What's an electric shower?? And you're welcome. I truly am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

EXACTLY! Thank you, V., that was most explanatory of you. Also, Hum would never walk around with poop hanging from her, she'd be thoroughly disgusted and determined to lick it all off, which would disgust her even more. She actually looks for me when that happens and that's how I know there's fresh poop, a) the smell and b) her frantic behaviour.

Diana said...

Ooch. You call and check on me any never mention your sad bum. Tsk, tsk. It's probably too much to ask that your innards tame down the capsicum? Capsicum is actually a good topical pain med--depletes substance P, helps with neuropathic pain.

Did you get the good codeine, yet? I've some in my cough syrup. Lovely. You could borrow if you were here. Which you are not.

(gesticulates sorrowfully)

Lord Chimmy said...

Bidet? I've never seen one in person. I wouldn't even know where to get one or what to look for in a bidet?! And, though I could probably figure it out, I'm not even sure how one is used!

Baby wipes/wet naps are the probably the only thing we have available. To be quite honest, I like the idea of a bidet. I would install one in my house.

Lioness said...

Diana, yes, VERY effective pain reliever, that0s what immediately pops into my mind. And I didn't think to mention it bcs who can afford to remember things while concentrating so much to be able to hear your intense whispering? *shrugs Portiely*

Chimmy, you straddle it [sorry, Udge] [but it's all very proper], open the faucets, wet yoru btis, soap them, rinse them. That's it. You could do it, if you put your mind to it. Aren't they brill little things?

Udge said...

Ack! I'm blind!

portuguesa nova said...

I don't understand why there are no bidets in the US and am hoping a plumber or architect or real estate person reads this and can weigh in...I think it might have something to do with why we don't use the metric system. Bidets would seem the natural progression now that the American standard is 1.5 bathrooms per family member.

I used to date a Muslim and noticed that he and all his friends kept a bottle of water next to the toilet as a stand-in. Once I was using the bathroom and he walked in to brush his teeth or something...we started chatting and he just wouldn't leave. I didn't want to sit there all night, so I felt compelled to do something with the bottle of water, but I also didn't really want to touch it and had no clue what to do with it anyway.

kirkjerk said...

So, in the spirit of fearless revelation of intimate bits...

Ok, about the bidet. Do you usually use it like a small tub, or angle to get the relevant bits under the running stream?

I hadn't thought about the potential aerosolization issues with my preferred method of making up for the USA's lack of bidets, which is a handheld showerhead (on the most intense, hopefully-removing-without-aerating setting) Also care has to be taken not to avoid angles and positions where splashback would occur.

As for why USAians don't have this... I don't know, we've only had a few centuries of ubiquitous indoor plumbing, maybe the in between time with outhouses created a knowledge gap. And a lot of folks wouldn't know how to use one. I was surprised they even tried the cross cultural joke in Crocodile Dundee.

kirkjerk said...

oh wait, you just explained it. Alrighty then!

kirkjerk said...

Let me ask this:
what % of public restrooms have one of these?
Are women's public bathrooms more likely to sport one?

Lioness said...

No public loos have them, ichs! That would be vile beyond words, gosh, to share a bidet?? NEVER! You actually have to sit on them and - no, just wrong, so very wrong.

kirkjerk said...

Heh, sorry.

Maybe it helps answer the question, then... our life sans bidets is a bit like a day w/ only public loos.

Eww. That sounds worse than I expected.