11 July 2007


Dreamt of Thailand, again. I am finding Thailand everywhere I turn to now. Is my mind trying to tell me something? Life? Should I - oof, deep deep breath - should I just go there? I don't much enjoy travelling alone, I enjoy travelling with someone and then sometimes going off on my own to hunt for books or what have you but I like the sharing of experiences afterwards, it makes the whole more enjoyable, much more pleasurable and I like the idea of making memories together with the people I love, lovely memories for drab, rainy days. But if I did go to Thailand it would not be a simple holiday would it and I'd be all right doing it alone, a pilgrimage of sorts. And it's not like you don't meet loads of people travelling you can spend time with - especially Israelis - if you feel the need to take your mind off things for a bit, and even though I was never much of a happy camper, I prefer the comfort of hotels, I can backpack with the best of them, did it often enough in the past and all I need is a goood enough matress and regular showers to be happy, especially if it's hot. I checked flights when I woke up, not really believing what I was doing, and they're not as expensive as I thought they might be, and Thailand itself is cheap. I haven't made a decision yet bcs making decisions in the heat of things often leads to tonnes of regret later on, that one I learnt the hardest way years ago, and I know I can't exactly be sensible abt anything right now but would it be very crazy of me to do it now? I mean, I did book holiday time from the 1st of August till the 15th and we know how that turned out splendid, and anyway my last exam will be on the 27th and after that I am free to do what I want for a fortnight, I could even go earlier than the 1st, the idea of Thailand still frightens me, still makes me ache, still causes some nausea but mostly it is an almost comforting idea now, Uzi last breathed there, was last happy there, it would all come together beautifully [yes], Thailand is still there, Uzi is still dead, I still need to say goodbye, I still need to see what he saw, smell what he smelt, face his death and honour his life while there, in his last presence, where he died, I now finally know I can go to Thailand without having the bit of my soul where Uzi will always live blasted into smithereens, this would be worthy, I need worthy in my life, is it a bad idea? Is it a good one? What?

Help. Seriously.

7 furballs:

Savtadotty said...

Is there any chance you could arrange to meet in Thailand one of Uzi's relatives or Israeli friends you knew together?

Lioness said...

Not really.

Diana said...



You know, dahling, the idea is not without merit. Seriously. Muse on it for a few days, but if you still feel the pull, I think it might do you quite a bit of good. You need to be close to Uzi right now and you are going for what I think are for the right reasons.

I understand that Thailand is lovely and the people are lovely and if you went and saw the loveliness rather than the horror that your mind sees, it might go a long way toward real healing.

I don't think it's a crazy idea at all.

CarpeDM said...

I don't think it is crazy. I think it is a good idea. I think Diana is right (I usually do) about seeing the beauty of the country instead of the horror. I think seeing what he saw might help a lot. If you can wait until I have vacation time again (next January), I'd go with you.

Lioness said...

I was just warned that it is monsoon time now, and I don't think a typhoon would work well w my phobias.

Bloody hell. Don't know what to do.

Aurelia said...

I think Thailand would be good to visit. Maybe go but go with a friend and book a hotel that is a few miles inland, high up?

Just because facing fears with safe surroundings can be the best idea, IMO.

Lioness said...

The problem is, typhoons don't care abt inland, a friend of mine was trapped on an island during one and she said it was absolutely terrifying and awful and she's lucky to be alive. I am honouring death, not courting it. Sounds bleak.