08 July 2007

Post-Love

Films:
  • Sense and Sensibility [I've come here with no expectations, only to profess now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is, and always will be, yours - *SOB FEST*]
  • While You Were Sleeping
  • Pride and Prejudice
  • Walk on Water
Books:
  • Mr. Maybe
  • Pride and Prejudice
Happy endings always help.

I've spent the past 2 days wallowing, alternately sad and feeling proud of myself for the exams and what I've come to feel and accept, licking wounds to make for fast healing by secondary intention.

*deep fucking sigh*

Friday was indeed a turning point for me, I realised it was time to relinquish, I realised I was prepared to and after I'd finished writing that post I also realised I stank. My body was producing sweat that is not mine, heavy, dark, pungent, a pong the likes of which I'd never smelt bfr. I spent the rest of Friday and Saturday until noon running to the bathroom to re-wash, marvelling (scientifically speaking) that grief can be processed at such an intricate endocrine level. The world has finally stopped spinning, some things simply cannot be, I definitely do not want some thinghs to be, I reckon I am beginning to purge.

I feel a different sort of sadness now. This is not confused, hurt sadness, this is the sort that accompanies aknowledging the pointlessness of it, full stop, not simply for now but for good. Yes, wrong choice of man. Happens.

We are no more, we will be no more, we could be no more really, time to take our dreams, stroke their feathers softly, thank them for some previous happiness, whisper goodbye, and let them drift away to some parallel universe where we were different people and things turned out the way they should have and our happy ending joins the legions of happy endings skittering about, blissfully chirping on.

Fly well now. Do me proud.

1 furballs:

Diana said...

That you are now seeking out and being comforted by happy endings is such a good sign. You are healing.

Finally. You are healing.

And some day, you will be healed.