06 July 2007

Very Much Closer To Fine

"So I’m Breaking the habit Tonight"

Dahlings! Do you know, there's something to be said for schizophrenia, it allows you to process things at incredible speed. I can barely believe it's only been 4 weks since the shit hit my fan, feels like it must have been going on for at least a few months. Then again, the actual processing started months ago, so maybe this isn't premature at all. I have felt too bad for too long and now I don't, whereas this morning I still did. I can't tell you what's changed - actually, I think I can to some extent. When you lose someone you don't just lose them, you lose the whole package, the dreams, the plans, the future. And the older you become the more tiring the thought of starting over again, oh the weariness, you have more coping mechanisms but they were obtained at a cost and everything stings more. Adding to that, the notion that we had in fact broken up was just starting to become real when he did the unforgiveable and proved himself a disloyal git.

Of course, he's made it easy for me in ways I am only now beginning to realise. It is always so hard to imagine someone you once loved with someone new and I couldn't for the life of me understand why I was so unbothered by the idea of them possibly getting together. When I think of her I do feel disgust but something was off and I coulnd't quite put my finger on it. And a while ago I realised what it was, she's the one whom I react to, absolutely, but not bcs she may be his next whatever - but bcs she is a predator and I find that sort of person vile. She pursued him blatantly and relentlessly even when he rebuffed her (and I say
even bcs I know there was a time he did but after that who knows, I cannot imagine him not having encouraged her), my friend V. knew it could only be her when this all happened bcs she remembered seeing her permanently in his face and V. told me she cringed seeing it and actually felt bad for her, our Rabbi's wife witnessed her behaviour too remember?, and told me that she remembers her very well and has a very low opinion of her bcs she, and I quote, acted without a shred of dignity (she actually wrinkled her nose saying it) - and this is the thing, this is the very thing, this behaviour shows an absolute lack of self-respect or respect for others really, I know this sort of woman, they feel entitled to everything and will walk all over anything to get what they want - I am not like that, I could never be like that and when I see that I can't feel threatened. In fact, strange as it may sound, I actually pity them. I know them but will never understand them and if I were a man or a lesbian I'd run like bloody hell bcs what is there left to conquer, where is the thrill, I can't be jealous of something I wouldn't want near me, not to mention the minor issue of ever being able to trust them - as we say in Portuguese, on others' backs I see my own. At the end of the day I'll never ever think her a decent person or, let's say it bluntly, a worthy one and that makes all the difference. (And God, they should be together, lack of ethics meets lack of morals, it's perfect.) (I'm serious.)

Zeniba says:
Once you do something, you never forget. Even if you can't remember. And I never forget this sort of thing. And you know, I can forgive many things but not that, loyalty is the absolute foundation of every single relationship I choose to have no matter what type. You be disloyal to me in a way that truly matters and your death within me may not be swift and it may very well kill a bit of me along with it as well but it will eventually come to be. Yes, he is selfish. Hell, I don't want a man that selfish, a man who turns against me because he cannot cope with the pain of the decision he made so I pay the price, why would I? I am not selfish and plenty of men are not as well. I realise it's very tied to immaturity but I also don't want a boy, I want a man. MAN. The truth is, we all need someone close to our own age for things to work - and I don't mean real age though I'm beginning to believe that as well, I mean mental age and the fact that he told me that he needs to take this trip to forget abt me simply crowned the notion of how vastly different our life experiences and awareness are (and I can only add good luck without the slightest irony bcs - oh, all of you who have had to forget abt someone you still love know why). He wants to do things I've done already, have experiences I already filed away, find himself. Good for him, honestly. He needs to grow up even more than I do bcs he's younger and he should, of course he should, and he certainly has every right to try whatever it is he thinks will work to accomplish it. I'd never have chosen a path this painful to the other person but it's certainly his right and it was a revelation bcs I was devastated but once the shock wears off in a week or ten you have a good look at the person causing it and see things that change it all forever and you find yourself feeling, really feeling, that you do NOT want to spend time mouring someone you couldn't deeply trust and who shows such poor judgement, plus, PLUS, in my world you want to find yourself you do it WITHOUT crutches, facing the pain, allowing it to chew you and spit you out, learning from it, from truly being alone, that we could all admire; not saying you want to be alone and then immediately hiding behind some involvement with a woman you barely know who is despised by everyone whose opinion I truly value but here, again, we differ and here, again, it's helpful. And at some point, maybe even from that afternoon to that evening, you find you didn't simply return the telly and the passport and what have you, you also returned the part of your heart that still clung to him bcs, to you, love is absolutely connected with respect and you find him tainted by choice and association. And this is how it came to be that the idea of August and him in what was formerly Our Israel doesn't bother me all that much anymore, I will certainly think less of him for resorting to that and choosing to associate with such a person but he is such a person as well and look, just look how far I've come in 4 weeks.

And yes, I may no longer be able to respect him but I remember when I could. There will be moments when I will be sad again but more bcs of the beautiful beginning
versus the sordid ending than any residual love. Knowing me, I will be sad abt that for longer than I will abt abt the end of the relationship itself - and he certainly ensured I won't miss him. But taking back his things (oh the Mexican soap opera of it all, you simply have no idea how Dolores Consuelo Carmencita de las Cruces it all became, what a bloody nightmare) was liberating, it was freeing, there's something to be said for ritualised endings, for the finality. I needed the finality, I needed it done. I was driving back and remember how I was annoyed w Uzi bcs his message wasn't clear enough? Gabriel the Archangel, whom I've decided has taken an interest in my life bcs he's connected to Uzi and that's that, certainly was at his best tonight - I was given an unbelievable medley of my life and even I, who firmly believe that life does talk to us when we're willing to listen, felt it was a bit too much. In rapid succession there were the songs from when I was 15; my first real boyfriend's song; Bangkok (which neatly ties my teens, Uzi and E. together); that "love of my life"'s song live (and all of a sudden he started singing Stand By Me - that was the song of my friend and I, the one who was my sister whom I lost over disloyalty as well); the song that reminds me of the boy I had a crush on for years and years; Linkin Park which gave me the quote for this post; the First Penis I Ever Saw song [albeit inadvertently - I was a girl scout in a natural park for the summer, he was a German who used to bathe naked w the other 80 Germans as Germans are wont to, he just walked out of the water one day as I gulped in my innocence and tried to act like I was surrounded by swaying penises every day of my life - and I reckon we bonded over it bcs he became my boyfriend for the duration of our stay and even visited me in my city during my exchange year in Germany, though that didn't go too well]; and, to top it all, Patience, remember that one? Yes. At some point I hollered Life, I understand, cycles start and end, this is really the end and yes, I remember all those other painful ends and new lovely beginnings, you can stop now, I am all rig - HEY! I REALLY AM ALL RIGHT, well fuck me! I can't tell you I'll start dating tomorrow bcs it doesn't quite happen like that, there are still wounds to lick [and I'm picky], I don't want to be foolish and rash but I can say I am ready for the idea of someone else. No shag - but someone lovely some time in the future? Oh yes please. I deserve that.

I am famous for my poor ability to let things go. It took me years to forget the first man I ever loved, the one who was supposed to be the love of my life, whom I was going to marry and be happy with forever and ever. There is a sort of awe and certainty you can only have when you're very, very young.
With E., we were lovely for a long time until we weren't anymore. And this is sad but such is life. I never lied to myself or him and I will never think What If abt any of this and believe me, me being me, that is the single most important thing I could take from this. If he were going down this path alone, carrying himself the way he wants to die, feet firmly planted on the earth, I'd respect it, it IS important to realise we need to grow up alone, there IS sound courage in that. But the forks in the road are decisive for how our life unfolds and with our choices we show Life how much we are worth and what we can expect to be given. His rushing into gonadal bumping on sacred soil, which is an absolute sure thing despite his protestations, ends this cyle perversely but end it it does. I am ready to let go, I am letting go. We were once lovely, yes. We are now over, and Loverboy is no more.

I don't think that God will mind if I end this with the brachah I find the most meaningful: Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheynu Melech Ha-olam, shehechiyanu v’keeymanu v’higyanu lazman hazeh.

Who has kept us alive, sustained us, and brought us to this moment.

8 furballs:

Diana said...

Better. So much better. I now believe that you truly do have your head above the water. The waves will wash over you from time to time but you have finally surfaced.

To remember that it really was beautiful for the first year.

(And 'vile' is the absolute perfect word for someone who acts like that.)

To move through the pain and come out still standing, scarred but not shattered.

To realize that you do deserve someone lovely.

That's what's on the other side. Peace and hope and, dare I say, a bit of optimism.

Manuela said...

Much love to you.

Anonymous said...

i am glad.
and Lioness, you must write a book. no one has ever made so much sense of relationships as you have!
thank you:D
K., long time reader

Anonymous said...

sorry, meant 'as much sense';)

Nancy said...

Ah, I'm glad you've started the road to healing.

And it's good to know you're still here.

Udge said...

Baruch atah adonai - for this post. Welcome back.

Aurelia said...

Welcome back and hoping you are here to stay for good.

Now, what exciting adventures are we going to have next?

portuguesa nova said...

Peace be with you, mulher.