10 July 2007

Just received this (THANK YOU MATT)

I don't think I have a single picture of us together where I don't look like an idiot. He, of course, always looks like this:
I miss him so much, I miss him so much every day still .

But I miss him especially now. Uzi would know how to pick me up and carry me through this, he always thought the very best of people for as long as he could and he'd have awkwardly tried to justify his choice of destination and partner to try and make sense of it for both of us but he wouldn't have been able to bcs he himself would never hurt someone he loved this much, he'd have been shocked bcs he'd have expected E. to behave decently in a time of crisis, doesn't everyone, and even though he'd have understood his need to blindly flee for he himself was more of a Hider than a Facer he'd not have understood the manner either, he would have frowned and said Wow Pip, that's not very nice, and he might have quoted The Biscuit to console me, "This office is fraught with emotional volatility", and I know he would have wished he could be near me, that we could walk to the refet so we could talk while I smelled the cow air and felt better for it (he'd have done it for me, he couldn't understand my fondness either) and I know that if he were still alive I could still go to Israel now and we'd sit outside his room, I'd drink Outcider, he'd have a beer, and he'd cheer me up by plotting revenge against E. from our Sci-Fi books in funny accents, We'll make him listen to Vogon Poetry and see how he likes it, Let's lock him in the trunks with all the penguins, and he'd make me laugh and I'd know it would be all right somehow, and I'd also know I was loved, properly loved, loved in that manner that ensures you will be safe no matter what for he would never try and find relief at the expense of someone who mattered to him even if in pain, Uzi wasn't particularly brave, he wasn't particularly strong, it was a long time bfr he could aknowledge his faults without feeling crushed by them, bfr that - and even after - he'd never been too good at apologising, he'd feel he was losing face by admitting his mistakes bcs he was sure the whole world would be looking and judging and he also felt he didn't have much face to lose to begin with, he was insecure and lost when we met, he often didn't feel big enough for everything that was demanded of him even if it were just daily things but then he told me one day, years later, full of wonder, that the world doesn't really much care abt us does it, the world is too busy thinking abt itself and we are the ones who judge ourselves the hardest even when we think we don't and this freed him a bit but he was still very much a Piglet, I started calling him Tig bcs he had never actively had to start something with anyone bfr, he had always been kissed and I'm not quite like that so he had to find the Tigger within for us to be a couple and find him he did, he had missed loads of opportunities in his life for fear of what people might think of him if he distinguished himself in any way; and for fear that he might not know how to distinguish himself at all but his empathy and awareness of others were tremendous, he'd have known the price you pay eventually is not worth it, you may run but you will never escape that and he'd have recoiled in shock both bcs of that for he always deep down thought people did the right thing by those they loved even when they were determined to stop loving them, especially when they were determined to stop loving them, and he would say he wouldn't want to be in his shoes when it all came crashing down on his head, Uzi was very aware of the sky eventually falling on our heads over our choices and Why would he risk that, Pip, why?; and for me, for he knew what being forced to think less of someone I'd thought so highly of bfr would do to me, he'd know that was the hardest bit, losing respect, and above all he would be sanctuary, and Israel would still be sanctuary, and maybe even my memories could remain sanctuary and I'd be home, and I'd be safe.

5 furballs:

brooksba said...

Wow. I love how you share Uzi. I love how you write about him. And I love that I know your words are true.
Sorry if I've been distant the last few days. I am thinking of you all the time and send you love.

Diana said...

Yes. That's exactly it.

You've friends; people you're close to. But the one person you could really count on, who would really understand you and know the right thing to say is gone. Gone, except for the butterflies and the songs and the memories that will never leave.

Tashi said...

Hi there, just drop by your blog and find it interesting. Seriously you don't look like an idiot like you describe yourself. Keep up your good job.

Manuela said...

I swear you look like brother and sister in that photo!

Also, ditto on Brooksba's comment. Had another family meltdown situation... sorry I haven't been around as much.

CarpeDM said...

I really do love when you write about Uzi. It makes me feel as if I knew him as well. I still think that he and Douglas Adams are hanging out together.