27 July 2007

Done

Last exam written. Was very hard, lots of statistical rubbish that I should have memorised and couldn't, last night was shitty and I was counting on it and on this morning for the final memory stretch, not sure I knew enough to pass. If I have to re-read and re-write that shit again - oh I don't know, I suppose I will. It's not like I have a choice.

Am officially on holiday and don't quite know what to do with myself. I feel absolutely empty now, totally, vastly empty. No rush, no euphoria, no nothing. No wait, loads of the latter, loads and loads of nothing.

Have been thinking abt loyalty a lot. I dreamt my former sister-friend (you know, the one with the boyfriend who, and who the did that, and who then the end) was pregnant, and she actually found out she was the next day, the friend we have in common told me so. My dreams and I, wish I could turn this into money. This latter friend is the one who couldn't come round when I was splattered on the floor bcs she had arranged for a shag. Haven't heard from her since I told her to leave me alone for a while and she replied I was not the centre of the world which surprised me, I was sure I was, I was sure both the sun and Andromeda shone out of my arse. I have no doubt we will make up but see, some things are not forgettable. Friendships have several levels and she was right at the core, right there where you know your friend will pick up the phone at 4 am and be willing to listen to you, right there where you drop everything to go help them, right there where they are an extension of you. She was at the core for me, I was a few circles removed for her, no balance, no balance whatsoever. It will hardly ever be the same again bcs I do not wish to be slapped like that again ever again, and I will never be able to again be sure I won't be.

Also, I am pissy abt something else. You. Lurkers galore. The truth is - brace myself, Bridget - I expected more from
you. And I cringe, I cringe a whole lot writing this bcs I know how inane and unjustified and silly and unfair and even arrogant it sounds, I know. I think it's bcs when Uzi died there were so many people that did have my back for months, for over a year, for 2 years. I think I expected the same now, even though readers come and go, even though this was not a literal death, and above all, even though it is NOT your responsibility to have my back, to cheer me up. I am fully aware that my reaction is not remotely realistic but it seems that my grief has turned people away and even though I do write for myself, I write to alleviate the weight on my chest and the knot in my throat, I wasn't aware of how much I'd become accustomed to a certain amount of comments. I've never had many comments, that's not it, but it seems like everyone has disappeared word-wise and I'm not sure why, and, again, you owe me absolutely nothing but this is my blog right?, the place where I unload and if I can't do it here I don't know where else to do it, I'm just trying to explain that, however irrational, it feels like yet another loss, added to the love one, the loyalty one, the 3 friends one, the close friend one. Too many losses, too little time to mourn, too little soul left to mourn, too much too fast and too compacted. One thing I have been feeling a lot is lonely, profoundly lonely, and I know no-one can process my grief but me but this simply compounded those feelings of isolation and loneliness at a time when I badly needed to have my emotions, my feelings validated or heard, so it felt as though I was talking to myself all of a sudden and that added to the crazy at a time when I wasn't even sure I still existed in any way that could be called that, I felt like I was disappearing and no one but me could see it.

And this is by no means an attempt to make you come out of lurkdom and pat my hand, PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IT'S NOT. I find it hard to explain - well, apart from the fact that too much grief does scare people away and who can blame them, I would run away from me if I could, in an instant, who needs some half crazy person moaning at all hours of the day. And the night. But this is what amazes me, many of you do read consistently even when I'm at my personal worst, and it amazes me bcs my empathy would ensure I'd buck up and comment (fearfully at that, I could after all say the wrong thing) (even though Uzi has taught me that very little is the wrong thing) bcs the underdog, any underdog, tugs at my heart so it's beyond me not to.

But I think I'm wrong, see. I think you're right, most of you who stay away. I think I would be happier if I were less aware, less empathetic, less loyal - all right, this reads funny, am not saying you're NOT any of those things, bear with me, slept little and badly, wrote horrific exam, I hope you'll be able to know what I mean. What I mean is, it is not bad to be able to have a fair degree of detachment, I think that is far healthier than the way I live. And please don't tell me I did what I thought was right at the time I chose to do it, I know all that and if projected back in time would probably act the same way but. BUT.

I think I have had enough of being slapped around. I have had enough of emoting and being kicked in the bloody and posteriorly bleeding gut. I have had enough of being the understanding one, the one who feels empathy even for those about to add their bootprint to her battered stomach, the one for whom loyalty stands tall and is inevitable and solid and shines like a fucking beacon. Well beacon or not I am a shipwreck on so many levels now and where has my loyalty brought me, what has it brought me? It has brougth me great joy at times but time and time again I have been shoved and bullied and dragged across a jeering crowd and what have I got, really? I don't mean this to sound as though I'm wallowing, I am not. I really mean it when I say I have to be more like the rest of the world, I seem to be the one who acts in disaccord over and over again, and it ultimately brings me pain. I have always expected so much, so much from everyone bcs I am capable of giving so much. For years growing up I couldn't understand why others weren't more like me, it was so easy to be like me. For me, anyway. How biased, how naive, how utterly stupid. I was young enough then for such fierce blindness to make sense but what's my excuse now?

I'm not saying I should turn into a bitch, I may bitch at times but could never be a real one, not permanently, the guilt alone would kill me. But I need to be less like I have been so far if I am to have any quality of life, as you age every loss hurts a bit more, I cannot live like this anymore, all these people cannot be wrong, right? I am in the minority and that must mean something. I will gladly be less like me if it means there will be more of me by the end of it. I thought I was on the right path and I may have been for all I know but no more.
I need to protect myself better, I am doing this wrong and something needs to change and that something can only be me.

Am so fucking tired.

14 furballs:

Udge said...

It's almost reassuring to see that education as system & process still drags along well behind reality: Surely in the age of google, memorizing statistics is the ultimate waste of brain cells and should be poked with point├ęd sticks & buried. What's needed is (now as then) not having a bundle of numbers in one's head but understanding statistics and being able to extrapolate from them, to be able go from "all dogs" to "this dog" and know something significant as a result. Bah.

Anyway. Thus endeth the lesson.

What with The Unnameable One, the exams and the Potter, I can readily believe that you are tired to the core. Go get some sleep, lots of lovely sleep; treat yourself to some high-quality lazing about.

Regarding the lurkers: there is something about watching a friend emote that can be almost intimidating, as I'm sure you too have experienced. One doesn't trust oneself to say the right thing, and Gods forbid that one should deepen the pit by saying the wrong thing. I suspect that what inhibits some people is the anger you vent, your posts about Uzi were never angry. Not to say that you shouldn't be angry, write what you feel (and censor yourself the next day when you no longer feel that way).

FWIW I sometimes hesitate to comment, mostly elsewhere but sometimes also here, thinkng about age and cultural differences and wondering whether I'm not "some wierd old guy," on the verge of being a stalker or a loser.

Shabbat shalom. Treat yourself well this weekend.

Udge said...

And here's a virtual hug and a kiss on the forehead for the loneliness, too.

Savtadotty said...

I recommend becoming an opera fan. Try Puccini for starters. You'll never feel so lonely again.

Irina Tsukerman said...

Guilty of lurking as charged!

Honestly, though I read regularly, often I don't know what to say without sounding trite or dumb. Sometimes I do feel like saying something, but then started thinking about how that will sound, and maybe I should be putting it differently, etc, and I wind up not saying anything.

*hugs*

Shinny said...

Regular lurker saying Hi! Don't have anything good to say for comments but do know I am checking in on you daily. Been through the shitty breakups a time or two myself so know how you feel on that issue. If you get me started commenting on that I would totally be taking over your blog. ;)
Hugs to you and pat on the hand. (sorry, I had to say that)
But seriously, I think that you are doing an amazing job of dealing with it all. I completely failed my mid-terms when my very first real "boyfriend" dumped me in college. Can't imagine how you are doing it. You are my idol.

Diana said...

Well, you and I have conversed in voice and print about all this. You know that I agree 100% with Udge (who I am beginning to wonder might be the cooler, better, male-er version of myself). Anger is hard to console. Much harder than grief. I also suspect that this is one of the few times that it's harder to express what one is trying to say within the confines of writing rather than face-to-face. I might think, "You might misconstrue my sarcasm for assholery and therefore best if I say nothing."

Don't want to offend you further.

See, I personally feel that I've carte blanche, as you've promised that anything that I say will not be taken as anything but supportive, no matter how it sounds, as that's the way it's meant. Not everyone is so fortunate. Believe it or not, you can seem quite intimidating here, in your domaine.

So, yes. Go sleep. I'm glad you wrote this as I know how it's been bothering you.

Udge said...

the cooler, better, male-er version of myself

Oooh, heady praise indeed! ;-) Perhaps we were separated at birth?

Sarah said...

I've been quiet for the same reason others have, I don't want to say the wrong thing...And being an American, chances are good I would.

I will tell you one thing. My un-typed response to most of your posts lately is this:

"Fuckin' A."

See what I mean?

I've been where you are and fuckin' a, it sucks.

Off topic completely, and once again, probably Americanly inappropriate: I'm going to be in Portugal from December 16-Jan. 1...I do hope we can meet up. Though it will be painful for me to leave Barreiro for an afternoon, it being such a beautiful, exciting place.

Nancy said...

Oh Lioness,

sometimes I lurk, but I never forget, and when I say nothing it's because you have already said it and so much more eloquently.

When I was 25, I had a husband who left me saying that I was too fat, too old and not rich enough. So, yah, I know betrayal.

We're out here, most of us have scars where we've been burned by similar flamming assholes thinking only of themselves.

Now that you're on vacation, you have the lesiure time to think of truely devious and malicious ways of counting revenge upon his poxy head.

Then, don't do it..

Go get tanned and tired,
Go get edified and amused,
Go get amazed and roll your eyes in disbelief..

there is so much outside to celebrate.

stretch your arms and take a long uphill walk to someplace that gives you a breathtaking view, and breathe it in, fully.

find something broken that you can fix, or

better yet.....

something better broken to break.

You are carried by more hearts than you can begin to know

Nancy

Anonymous said...

I lurk and feel there are so many clever people around who know you - while I know you only because I lurk - so I feel stupid and shut up.

What can I say? I'll be still around when you are radiating happiness and harmony all around, I promise. And you know - it's difficult. You are a lioness and as such can't be pitied or coaxed in any way. A lioness' roar is best answered in respectful silence.

In my mind, I call you Leviah.

And you are invited to come and visit in the North of Israel.

Lila

Beleobus said...

Just to let you know (and sorry for the loooong delay)

New photos have been added.

Eliyahu said...

Please! lurkers are a vital & necessary part of the blog-o-sphere ecology. same goes for the once-in-while commenter, which i am. i cannot possibly keep up with everyone, but my heartfelt sympathies to you. just remember, you not only will be fine, but you already are. one cannot make room for the new, without the old leaving (well, some of us try, but it usually doesn't work out too well.) blessings & joy to you.

Lord Chimmy said...

I wish I had lurkers! No one lurks at my blog. When I changed blog addresses I lost a lot of regular readers. When I went back to my old address people were still gone.

Anyway, I've read you consistently for what...going on 3 years? I'm not sure...for as long as I've been blogging anyway. I'm always amazed that you have the energy to write post after post with such consistency.

I will gladly be less like me if it means there will be more of me by the end of it.

Lioness, you cannot be less like you. But, you need not worry that you're losing yourself in the process. You cannot experience life and preserve yourself in time simultaneously. Energy is neither created nor destroyed...it just changes shape.

Anyway, I'm always reading. I've never been scared of you...but I have the luxury of living thousands of miles away from you too ;)

Old Bald Helen said...

Yes.