25 July 2007

And this I know

The nightmares are back.

I was talking to my friend Mega the other day, I hope some day to face life with such equanimity. He's worked hard for it and now is, I've been saying it for years, the most well-grounded, centred person I know. And the least judgmental at that, he truly can accept people as they are - I can only look on in wonder yet. He told me something like
When you told me you two had broken up I still felt confident in your ability to preserve some of it. But then a few days later, when you found out abt Israel? How does anything survive that? How will he? I actually feel sorry for him now, poor sod.

This pity fest regarding him? This happens on several fronts, Mega is not the only one, and it invariably pisses me off. IT PISSES ME OFF.
They say he's lost, he's selfish, he's a fool, he's being forced by life to grow up and does not wish to, he was never one to readily admit to his faults and feels it would diminish him to do so so yes, they all grimace in empathy when they think of what will happen the day he has to face it all - OUCH!, even though they now universally think him a bit of a cad. Or a lot of one, rather.


He is not a complete idiot although he is been behaving like one and his penis would not fall off if he chose to face himself alone for once. Who's the man then? We all have our particular reasons for not wishing to grow up. I saw my fave Dr. the other day, the one who saved me after Uzi was swallowed and it was a bit of a pity bcs while riding a manic wave (no pun intended) I have little use for her. I mean, the world is fine right? Look at all those bright colours! Israel?? WHO CARES! Of course, I was also very aware that after that comes the collision with the ground again, and here we are once more. We talked abt him some and we talked abt me some and we talked abt my being finished with my degree in a year and then she said
Well, speaking of growing up... And I cringed and said I know, I know, I will have to, I know! And it's scaring the bloody hell out of me but do you know what? I am ready.

And do you know, I think I am. As I said here, an actual adult life could not possibly equal my fears of what an adult life is, what it demands of us. I have slowly come to realise that there is nothing worse than fully grown adults wringing their hands bcs they are forced to live, to make decisions, to take responsibility. I have a very deeply ingrained fear of failure - the thought of someone handing me a dog and saying Here's your patient leaves me weak at the knee, I KNOW NOTHING, I cannot be trusted with an animal, what will they be thinking?? But the greatest part of me knows, bcs that is the way that life works, that it will be all right, that all doctors go through this panic, that all doctors eventually learn, that one day I will be the one reassuring the pale, abt-to-faint first-day/-month doctor. And this is the way it needs to be bcs, even though all my choices in life were right for me, they have also not been a coincidence in the way that they have allowed me to face as little adult responsibility as possible. Panic whan I think of motherhood? Panic at the thought of being trapped in a structured job where people actually have a right to demand things of me? Why, yes, I think I've just abt had enough of feling inadequate as an adult and guess what, it won't change from the outside out, I have to be willing to be an adult, bcs I have, in fact, been one for a good while now. And the little girl lurking abt is in hysterics abt it but honey, here's a lollipop and go play in the corner, and abt time too.

So, yes, forgive me if I cannot feel sorry for him, I still cannot understand what will come to be and I never will, and thinking it will end up being something he will in some way or other maybe regret later on, how could abitter taste ever be avoided, is no consolation bcs a great part of it will be at my expense. And mostly what I see is someone before the two forks in the road. He knows right from wrong. He may not rate high in sensitivity but he has enough of it, he has learnt enough, albeit unwillingly, albeit not enough. And he now cowers, hoping someone will take the responsibility of his
own choice away from him, hoping he can maintain the illusion that if this is all for his best then it must be right and he is entitled to do whatever he wants regardless bcs, as he says, no moral code says he can't right? And I cannot begin to comprehend how a man who tries so obsessively to create a proper Jewish persona online fails to see how being a good Jew means being a proper human being in the first place, no funny-looking boxes on your forearm and forehead and food-avoidances can change the fact that this is the basis of all and if you fail there you will have failed everywhere, ASK ANY RABBI, I cannot begin to comprehend how a man who could have been a tree can deliberately behave like a sod and become a stump.

He once said that if need be he'd build a synagogue with his own bare hands and at the time it was impressive bcs the intensity behind those words was believable. Oh well. It's been far too easy to blame our failure on me alone, far too tempting and convenient but wherever that man with that sort of resolve has gone he's gone there alone, much as he'd like to convince himself otherwise
I do not hold that sort of power over him or anyone else for the matter, he did it on his own bcs he chose to. HE CHOSE TO. We are our own salvation and we are our own perdition and we live with all the choices we ever made, even minor ones, bcs they shape our life in ways we can very rarely foresee. I cannot reconcile the man I thought I saw with this man who chooses so little over all the much he could have even without me. Or especially without me.

And this is my remaining problem bcs I will, unfortunately, believe in the best I've seen in people for as long as I can, I will hold on to it with all my might for as long as I can. And even though I know that he, who was masculine enough in many ways, is not yet man enough to do what he is man enough to know he should do, there is a part of me that absolutely refuses to believe it bcs surely not, surely not
him, surely not him doing this to me, SURELY NOT, he is better than that, HE NEEDS TO BE BETTER THAN THAT! Right? RIGHT?

I know one day I'll be fully all right again - but that's hardly the point. Some things should never be, full stop. So yes, the ground awaits me once again, and I might as well be aware of it. Maybe that will make it not so bad. Right?

3 furballs:

CarpeDM said...

The ground is there. It's not horrid. Really. It's soft and green and rather pretty and not hard at all.

Hey. I never said I was good at this.

I thought of you Friday night. Riding to Shakopee with Keem, I saw a butterfly swoop over our car and kind of do this dance and I thought of you and Uzi. 2 seconds later, a car passed us with the license plate UZZ. I do not believe that to be a coincidence at all. Much love to you.

Udge said...

{{{ lioness }}}

If it weren't for the ground there would be neither beaches nor picnics, and the dogs & cats would all have to stay indoors.

Diana said...

Might as well. The ground is coming up. You can only change the way you collide with it, for collide you will. Unless you have the knack of sprouting wings, something I've never been able to do.