10 July 2007

[Addendum to the post below]

[Bcs, you know what? Yes I'll be sad for a while still, and yes I worry abt the memories and wish they could remain untouched. But NOTHING will remain untouched bcs, and this is the very core of the problem, HE has not remained unchanged and that change was - words fail me.
  • He wants to grow up, realises he's too imature to be in an adult relationship, it hurts but we can no longer be together? Painful but very commendable.
  • Wants to find himself, alone as he says? Commendable.
  • Persists in seeing himself as a teenager, in referring to himself as a "boy"? Pitiful.
  • Decides to go backpacking maybe in Asia, probably alone, even if he ends up shagging his way across the continent and I never find out? Understable, probably helpful and still commendable.
  • Decides he does need to be alone and the way to achieve it is via someone's cervix? Pitiful.
  • Most likely encouraged cervix's owner while we were still together? Vile.
  • Resorts to this trip as the way to forget me and make it all go away? Surreal and still pitiful.
  • Says he never meant for me to find out abt any of this? Probably believes it bcs he was never good at looking at the truth within him, he has yet to realise the world far more respects someone who is able to admit to his flaws and that being able to say "I'm sorry" is much more the mark of a true man than, say, attending services, but it's a lie still if a naive one, Jewish communities are small, the organisation we belong to is even smaller, everyone knows abt everything, everything is found out sooner or later - so yeah, deep down and I don't care how much he refuses to see it neither choice was innocent, there was a desire to hurt me some, to pay me back for daring to hurt him (i.e. he loved me, we broke up, it wasn't easy after all - shocker, who am I to cause him such pain, bring on mass destruction), to show me Look at me, I have already found someone else, look how fast that happened and see how much she wants me? Very effective, I AM impressed bcs I too am still 15 years old and the object of his ego massage is simply lovely and I hope to grow up to be exactly like her one day.
  • Throws a fit bcs I do NOT allow him to come round again so he can swap the telly, he was adamant he wanted to do it himself even though I'd been asking him to for weeks to no avail, he wanted to see the cats, must see cats even though I did not want to see him and he eventually agreed, HE AGREED that we shouldn't see each other anymore, it would be for the best, so after much back and forth we had arranged that someone from my posse was to drop it off at his grandma's last Friday while he stayed in his room but instead my friend had to do it the Wednesday bfr and he went completely mental, we had a huge text fight with some posturing (him) some insulting (me) (and I was right in the things I said but shouldn't have said them so I apologised later) (it was, of course, a monolateral thing for he never does things that require apologies, he's above all that and his weenie would fall off anyway so why chance it) he did NOT want me to come after all, how could I not allow him to see the cats EVEN THOUGH WE HAD AGREED ONLY TWO HOURS BFR THAT HE WASN'T GOING TO AND I'D DO THE BLOODY SWAPPING and all this fury bcs HE SIMPLY HAD TO SEE THE CATS ONE MORE TIME? Oy.
I was hoping it would not end in contempt but considering his actions and disregard for what I might feel how could it possibly be avoided? I'd absolutely hate for it to end that way but it will, he now has even more to prove to himself and me and the world at large and that in his case means bulldozing his way forward, need to be firm, need to win this fight against myself no matter what, stop that, stop thinking abt that, it isn't meant to be, it was all ruined remember, gone gone gone, must never doubt, must not think abt anything else, must beat this by sheer will of thought and blind determination, must repress any contrary thoughts that surface, this is what being a man means, there is salvation within easy reach of my fingertips right?, yeah, and I can only hope that when contempt fully comes the following level is fast attained as well bcs the opposite of love is certainly not hate, but indifference.

And look how far we've come as a couple. The saddest, most heartrending death I've ever seen.]

3 furballs:

Manuela said...

At a loss as what to say, Johnny. I know we've chatted about this whole thing a great deal... but I am no closer to offering you anything of any real value.

So sorry... so sorry.

Diana said...

Sort of feels like living on one of those game show wheels, doesn't it?

"Wow, Bob! What will our Johnny's emotion be today? Blind, red anger? Vomiting despair? Giddy Hopefulness (nah)? Soul-shattering grief?"

Sucks, but I think the anger sucks a bit less than the sorrow.

(Love the new boobs.)

CarpeDM said...

I am in total agreement with Diana. This is exactly what it seems like, a weird, perverse game show. Stupid universe! Stop conspiring against people I like!