11 June 2007

Welcome to the Pleasure Dome

Fuck but this is hard. I'm still determined, but this is hard, probably silly to expect everything to be different already just bcs I made a decision. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Wish the world could start making sense soon. World? I did make a decision, how abt eating now? No? All right then, no eating. Studying? Oh go on, staring at the pages accomplishes so much more. Hands on ears, hands on ears, handsonearshandsonearshandsonears.

7 furballs:

CarpeDM said...

Yikes. Look what happens when I am sans internet for two days. I'll be reading the posts and checking the email you sent (my email address is greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net now so Beth forwarded it to me) but I wanted to know that I love you and think you are awesome and want to see you now! Would you move here please? Or I'll come there. Someday.

Lila said...

De-lurking to say: best wishes to you. May you never know pain like this again. I'm a loyal reader and I wish I knew the secret of making you feel better. I don't. But I know I'll see you happy again.

nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez said...

it's all a rhythm. remembering this helps with pain, maybe...on, off, up, down, light waves, sound waves, respiration, ocean tides, day, night, healing, pain...all a rhythm. you'll find your beat. you are strong and resilient and beautiful at heart.

Ms. Krieger said...

I echo Lila. De-lurking to wish you the very best. You are so strong and resilient and beautiful.

You once wrote a post about blue, about a specific blue, your favorite color. I imagine you wading into that blue, slipping below the surface of it until only your hair floats on the water and then you disappear beneath the surface of deep clear but unfathomable blue.
Until you simply--step out the other side, washed clean as the golden lioness you are.

Best wishes to you in blue times and others.

Manuela said...

Oh, Krieger... I so remember that post as well! It's one of my favourites, and how lovely that you create such a stunning visual referring to those words.

Johnny, I've spent YEARS trying to figure out how to hard-wire my brain directly to my heart. I'll be sure to let you know if I make any headway towards figuring out how to achieve that goal, o.k.?

In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself, don't place too many expectations on yourself too quickly... and of course, know that you are being held dear in many many hearts around the world right now.

Much love.

Lioness said...

Lila, danke dir. Ich weiss, dass du recth hast, ich hoffe bloss, dass du schnell recht haben wirst.

N., I've been reading and re-reading your comment. Li e reli, li e reli, reli mais uma vez e de cada vez é um comforto novo. Muito obrigada.

Ms Krieger, and I remember another comment of yours that touched me so much, you had delurked bfr. You said you hurt when i hurt? If only you all knew what it means to rouch people like that, I try but I could never tell you. I too remember that post, Of Blue, best not to re-read now. Do you know, that's exactly what I long for, exactly. But I don't come out the other end, I stay there, suspended. Once at the beach I let myself sink to the bottom and hugged my knees and let myself be carried by it all and it was the most one with the universe I ever was. Haven't gone to the swimming pool since this happened bcs I don't think I should be straining my heart when not eating, but I may just go tomorrow to go under and stay under over and over again. It's blue enough.

Diana said...

Of course it's fucking hard. If it were easy, why would there be so many broken-heart songs?

One breath at a time.

Making the decision to push off from the bottom is the first step.