25 June 2007

This will start badly and end excellently

Bear with me, I need to talk abt yet one more dream - two - but it will be over quickly, I need them to be able to talk abt what comes next. I have been dreaming of babies, my babies, bad things happening to my babies, people wanting to kill them, me not being able to protect them. This was brought on by a friend of mine telling me she's pregnant. I can't tell you how happy I am for her, she's had medical problems for years, doesn't even ovulate every month, she wasn't sure she could. And the joy I felt was equalled by the pain I felt. (If you're reading this I truly am delighted for you, just didn't know how to talk abt this as I was feeling it, too much too soon.)

I did think I could have a miscarriage and escape unscathed, I thought I had been traumatised by the unnecessary pain but not the miscarriage itself. But she was talking abt the baby and her belly and how wonderful it is and how tiring and there were times I couldn't breathe, I was pregnant too once, I was nauseated too once, I was tired too once, my belly got a bit bigger too once, and then I lost it all. Yesterday my colleague came round to give me some course material and I can't even remember how we ended up talking abt my pregnancy, I certainly didn't initiate it, but all of a sudden she said
Well, at least you know you can get pregnant - and I felt like I had just swallowed a whole planet of disbelief bcs yes, that makes me feel so much better, I can get pregnant, I may not be able to stay pregnant but bloody hell, do I do good implantation! May life keep granting me pregnancies and disregarding that small matter of a live baby at the end of it. She was trying to console me - I mean, the next sentence out of her mouth was It happens very often in a first pregnancy and God help me if that is not a line I have used myself, when I didn't know better, while trying to console a friend. I'm karma's bitch. The truth is, I may grieve the pregnancy I never had the chance to have but I'm actually very relieved I had the miscarriage bcs I wouldn't want everlasting ties of that sort with him. That was most certainly not meant to be and it was a narrow escape.

I complain abt my life not being adult enough and here I am, at school again and as close to life-less as one could possibly be, but I don't think any of this is a coincidence. See, I don't believe in them. And the irony to me is, I accused him so often - and rightly - of being immature and yet failed to recognise my own brand of immaturity. If I have children my life as I know it will be over, I'll never be able to oh, say, go gallivanting off to South Africa for an internship as I am often wont to do, I'll be tied down, too soon, too soon, no, this can't be right. I have never been able to understand those people who plunge into pregnancy, men and women, after only having been together for a few weeks/months. To me, it is the most terrifying thing you could ever do. I am not famous for my patience, my pets drive me to distraction, imagine not being able to read, to sleep, what sort of a mother would I be? Plus, children need you, what if you find you can't give?

On a deeper, less self-involved level I know this wouldn't be a problem. I would probably feel half mad with exhaustion and maybe even berate my life, only occasionally meaning it, but I am absolutely certain that having children would change me, in an instant. I know being a parent creates new problems but it also simplifies things in a way, you let go of the dispensable. And being an Anthropologist has taught me how wired we are to love them, they're certainly the epitomy of etoepimelesis. So I'm not talking abt what I know intellectually, I'm talking abt what I feared, what I feared so much I couldn't even aknowledge. My Tweedle and I have come to a conclusion abt this very matter. We have always taken the higher moral ground (again, shocker, I know) regarding those happy-happy parents. We found it dangerous, we found it irresponsible, we found there were no garanties, often the relationships disolved and there they were, the children. But the truth of the matter is, I think this had a lot to do with validating our life choices. Yes the relationships dissolved but those people are still parents aren't they. Statistically, most of those children will be happy, well-adjusted children. And if you ask those parents they wouldn't have it any other way. As for guarantees? Smack me soundly abt the head, when do we ever have guarantees?

Having a child makes you grow up, full stop, no excuses, and I think there is a lot of me that has been unwilling to do just that, growing up. When I put on make up or dress up I still sometimes expect someone to walk up to me and say
Don't be ridiculous, who do you think you're trying to fool. And I know that a lot of it is related to not being able to remember a time when I didn't have psoriasis. I think I have underestimated its effects in a spectacular manner. I have always had a distorted view of myself, I can't tell you how often I've looked in the mirror and wondered This is what I look like? Oh help. It's a life where you have to make split second decisions, such as finding a good reason not to go with your class to the beach bcs you don't need all the ogleing or covering yourself in a discreet way or constantly bracing yourself for that moment when someone will bring it up, often in the form of Ewwwww. If I admit I'm a grown woman I'll have to behave like one and there'll be more to lose, both of me and others. And yes, I certainly have no use for those who discard me bcs of my skin but you try and not feel like a leper when they do, it's just not possible.

Basically, I think I am afraid of becoming a full adult bcs I am afraid I won't be a fully competent, fully excellent one. I don't think that people who fight becoming adults do it bcs their childhood or adolescence were so good they are not ready to give that up. I think it's maybe bcs they weren't all that good, something was missing, they were filled with fears still left un-faced, still not laid to rest, and they fear they will never be good enough at the next, most self-informative, most decisive, most important stage. If you're going to be an adult and not be a
fully excellent one, well, potential is good when made into something real, if not you might as well throw yourself in the river now. The tought of what the world is going to demand of us is exhausting but you want to know what the truth is? The truth is the world, our life, reality are never as bad as our fears abt them. NEVER. I am now looking The Beast right in the eyes, enough, enough of reinforcing what I'm not, time to salute what I have managed to become. I have come far, I truly have come far. I think it's time to see that.

[Good God, this blogging honestly as therapy is fucking gorgeous, do you know what I've just realised re-reading this post?? My concentrating on what
he too was not was also a very strategic way of not dwelling on what I feared were my own deficiencies, we all know I can't have those and the ones I do have are so lethal they leave a landscape of utter devastation in their wake, I am bound to disappoint, plus this is Johnny, Johnny who's never really had to work hard at anything except vet school and even that's fairly recent, let's boycott it all, done.]

So, two nightmares in a row abt dead babies, and tonight's woke me up at 6.30. I went to school to find out at what time I'll have the lab exam and I was lucky enough that it's only tomorrow morning, I'll still have today to study all of it. That cheered me up some and also, ever since last night I have been feeling like something good is going to happen to me. I don't know what or how but I have this fantastic feeling that things may get better. Yesterday I walked through a rainbow of butterflies by my front door (just googled the collective noun) and remember how in the Silkworms
post abt Uzi's butterfly I say that life sometimes sends us clear messages? There they were, these three butterflies, tiny things, wings fluttering abt my head. It did feel like a promise of sorts. The night after it all happened I was driving in my car, crying. I seem to grieve more intensely in the car, possibly bcs there are no distractions, just me and my loss. I was feeling half-mad with disbelief and I talked to Uzi. I asked him to give me a sign if things were ever going to be right again, to just give me a sign bcs I don't like the crazy, the crazy terrifies me, plus, I pointed out, you made me feel the crazy plenty and still often do so get off your arse wherever you are and send me a sign if there's hope to be had SOON. And I know this will sound all crazy again and earth-mothery but I changed stations and Angel Gabriel came on at that exact moment, upon which I started screaming at him Yes, yes, it's your song but what does it mean, WHAT DOES IT MEAN, you're dead for fuck's sake, don't you have some sort of transcendental powers now, is this the best you can do? And today, just now, I was driving back from school and the radio started playing a string of songs that I always associate with good things, songs I have recently downloaded, songs that are as much a part of the good in me as anything I could think of. And then Patience came on, that song with a line that has been going round in my head for 2 days now, as thought it were meant for me specifically, have a little patience, and I would tell you what group sings it but I am ashamed bcs I've always found them a bit naff but would you believe I actually listened to it on repeat yesterday from 10 till 17, nonstop, just for that one line. It played on the radio again, his voice soothed me again, the line soothed me again and I felt it again, this sense that now I do need to have a little patience, just a bit more, that I do have to be very still and wait, that good things await me.

I know you all want to see me happy, you want to protect me. And I can't begin to tell you how much that helps. As I told Heike, never understimate the power of one comment, it may have a tremendous impact. I know yours do, every comment lets me know I don't have to do this alone. But I'd much prefer if you didn't bash him. He is a bit of a wanker but any bashing of him should be done by me alone, his actions affect my consequences. And I am lucid. And on that: a friend of mine once had an affair with a married man who was separated from his wife. She fell madly in love with him but he was too comfortable in limbo to be able to take a step forward. Being separated meant he could do what he wanted, and being still married meant he couldn't commit again, and having a son meant he had to protect his son, surely she could see that carrying on just as they had been was the best for the child whom she wasn't allowed to meet at all. Yes. After a short while it became very obvious that it wasn't going anywhere but downwards and it would drag her along. She fought against reality for ages, to the point where she once woke me up one glorious morning at 8 am during a rather bad insomnia period to tell me why it made perfect sense that he talked abt them being together forever but wouldn't take the next step and divorce his wife, and it was all too much - I just screamed at her to stop being daft and open her eyes and if she wasn't willing to then I for one was fed up with listening to her delusions and she should kindly keep them to herself, I just didn't want to hear anymore. She caught me without any sort of filtre and I just - I just roared. She now agrees with me and actually says that was a pivotal moment, she was shocked speechless, I had never refused to hear anything she had to say, even repeatedly, but by that point I needed to protect myself as well, she was sinking and refused to see it and it was killing me. Had I been more awake and less tired I'd have been able to be more gentle but we were all at our collective wit's end. You can't save those who do not choose to be saved.

I have been able to have lucid relationships for quite a few years now. I had a boyfriend for a year who was absolutely mental, susceptible in a very unhealthy manner, depressed, impossible to handle, what have you. Three days into the relationship I announced to my friends it would never work out. Of course, I needed a year to be rid of it bcs even when you know you it isn't good, it will never be good, knowing alone doesn't immediately give you the tools to let it be. I truly believe you are entitled to have all sorts of relationships, even ones that are bad for you, as long as you are honest to yourself abt them. Saying I know this isn't good but I need to do this now is vastly different from Oh it's not all good yet but it's not his fault, see, it's his wife/son/mother/dog's fault.

And I am so confused by this post, not that I mind but how in the bloody hell did I end up talking abt this?

10 furballs:

Kath said...

Great post, dear Lioness. It sounds like all sorts of doors in your mind are blowing open -- and that's frightening as hell but invigorating and important and absolutely necessary.

May good things happen for you, my dear, in every conceivable way.

JoeinVegas said...

Perhaps it's about time we start charging you the standard rate for all of this couch time.

Let's see, I think around here that amounts to your doing at least a post every three days (or less).

Aurelia said...

Blogging as therapy IS brilliant. And it works. I think you read my mind on this one today actually.

Take care, and know that you are doing what you need to do, okay?

cat said...

Saturday the park was full of butterflies. They were everywhere. On our way to the playground one stopped on the ground and let me touch him, as if to say "Ok... for a short time we can co-exist"

I stopped telling you when he visits but I think it might be time to give you the reports again.

He was there on Saturday and this time even touched me.

Thanks for the reminder.

Diana said...

I hope you can remember the good when the bad closes in, again, too.

It's a hard thing, that: Remembering the good.

I wish you the end of the nightmares and a night's worth of deep, peacful sleep.

Udge said...

Wonderful! WONDERFUL!!

Welcome home, you've been away so long.

Eliyahu said...

(i wonder if reading your blog counts as therapy for us?)
i loved the part where you yelled at your friend...we should all be blessed to have someone like you to bring us to our senses now and again. blessings

treppenwitz said...

I feel like I haven't been a very good friend.

I've waded waist-deep through your terrifying blocks of text and watched silently as you've cried and hiccuped through your personal demons.

I've watched you suffer and offered exactly nothing... not even a tissue... to help you in your time of need.

All I can say is that I've been here... but didn't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

brooksba said...

Writing really is good therapy. Writing unleashed is an amazing way to release feelings and identify. This was a very powerful post.

CarpeDM said...

Just remember we're always here to read so you just lay it all out. Love you!