16 June 2007

Bleeding Rivers

I have hope for the right decisions.

I had dreams filled with people, people from my past and present, people who are significant and people who are negligible, and food. I felt like I was revising my life in a foreign language. They were not bad dreams, they were bizarre and puzzling. And I am, again, awake after only a few hours of sleep but I don't feel as disjointed as I usually do upon waking up. And yet the mornings are always the easiest time anyway, the world recedes a bit overnight. I am so spread out in what I feel, it varies so much along one single day, sometimes an hour. And I wonder, if love is gone why does it hurt this much? And I answer, bcs loyalty is at the core of everything, and it surpasses even love, the turtles which carry the great globe of the world upon their solid shells.

I became adept at seeing the empty spaces around him, the things he was not and I wanted him to be, the things he did not do and I needed him to. I stopped seeing him, bcs he was not enough. That was my choice. But, at the end of the day, someone who is capable of acting the way he did has a lot of empty spaces abt him, within him, so maybe I was simply prescient.

But we do need to talk. Meh.

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Click here for Copper Wimmin's Bleeding Rivers, you can download it v easily, below the 1st album cover. It's breathtaking, piercing and soothing at the same time. Do it, you'll see.

PS - Do you want to hear something funny? I have been feeling like shit, I have been looking like shit. And yet yesterday I kept hearing how beautiful I looked, I must have spent an hour fixing my hair and make-up (!), how could I look that beautiful. ???
You never know do you, you look at someone and you truly never know what's unfolding inside.

6 furballs:

Old Bald Helen said...

Yes.

Diana said...

I'm glad you are at a place where you are now able to write this. It takes a lot to look in the mirror and describe exactly what we see of ourselves. We control freaks are tough to live with, especially if we are partnered with other control freaks.

I hope you two can meet and have the heart-to-heart that would go a long way to cleanse both of you. You both deserve peace after the sorrow and the rage. Peace and healing.

Udge said...

I agree with Diana, I think that this is a great step forward for you (and hopefully for the two of you, too, if L reads it and can reciprocate). Well done, my dear.

Belizegial said...

I am so sorry Lioness to hear what you've been through in the recent weeks.

After reading through your posts, the part I can understand and relate to is your take on pain.

I am wishing for you peace at this time. Take it slowly my dear. One breath at a time.

Kath said...

Dear Lioness, I'm so sorry I've been away -- especially now that I know how traumatic the past weeks have been for you, and how much pain you've been in.

I'm so sorry about your loss, my dear. So very sorry. May you heal well and soon.

Nancy said...

Ah Lioness, only those we love can hurt us so much. Remember that the good times were as real as the bad times are and be glad for them. One step at a time.