23 June 2007

Nobody expects

Woke up screaming, wet pillow, again. This time was tied to a big wooden wheel, abt to be dismembered by the Portuguese Inquisition unless I agreed to betray the Jews in my community. We lived at Hogwarts (Harry was one of ours), which was in Thailand (yes), and I was absolutely terrified for all of us. Plus, the ropes were stretching my limbs (there you go) and that pain alone was unbearable. Fought so hard to free myself I woke up bleeding, have a cut on my forearm, no idea how I did it. There seems to be no limit to the things my mind will do to purge and yet I'm still unclean.

Have a little patience, I tell myself, the last Harry Potter is coming out soon, I tell myself, but the truth is I can't be bothered abt any of it, I don't even know when it's coming, it's all useless, I don't want to read it while feeling this way, I want to have it connected to something good, nothing's good now and every time I re-read it I'd remember it, so, to my utter disbelief, I may not even be able to get a first edition and end up having to wait months to read it bcs I don't think I'll be rushing to the shop at close to midnight, especially bcs I would have to go to the same shop in order to avoid the queues, the one where I bought it from him, HA!, this whole ugliness has touched even my Harry Potter, how did my life become this, I keep thinking I must have done something terrible that I can't pinpoint, how can selfishness and immaturity alone explain this, this lack of consideration and decency towards someone you profess to still love even as you did it, there must be something I'm not seeing, wish I could explain this, if I could it would all maybe fall into place and make some sort of sense, I go from furious to indifferent to hurt and nothing changes, I study a bit and then go lie down for a while and I just lie there, like an amorphous blob, then I get up and study some more and then I go lie down again and then I'm so mad at myself, it's like I'm this naff heroine in some medieval novel, next I'll die of consumption, it feels like all of me is grieving and most of me is trying not to see it, I have so many exams ahead of me still and I don't see how I'm going to do this, I still don't, and I am taking it one hour at a time but I'm still trapped, nightmares for over a fortnight is just plain unaceptable, I fear I am turning into a cliché and that this has ruined my ability to trust, how could I possibly ever lower my defences again, this was all ruined, it turned into a war, a very horrible one, no side could possibly win, there's just loss, I'm so disappointed with myself for caring so much but how can you not care when stabbed in the back, I'm so fed up with feeling this way all the time, I wish I could swap minds with someone, I don't have much use for me right now, none at all, if truth be told.

Mother just rang me. The nightmares follow me while awake now as well. First one to spot the irony wins.

Mother: Those shoes I saw by the door in a bag yesterday, were those Uzi's?
Me: ...WHAT??
M: Were those Uzi's?
L: Uzi's?
M: Yes, did you put them aside to give back to him?
L: UZI'S??
M: Oh. Oh. I meant to say E.'s, of course. Were those his?
L: Yes.
M: And did you give them back to him yesterday?
L: Yes.
M: At the synagogue?
L: Yes.
M: And how is he?
L: I have no idea.
M: What could you possibly mean?
L: I mean, I have no idea.
M: But you gave him back the shoes!
L: Yes.
M: You gave him back the shoes and you didn't even talk to him?
L: Yes.
M: But how could you!
L: Mother, I'd appreciate it if you didn't meddle in other people's business or pass judgement on things you know nothing about.
M: I did not judge anything!
L: "But how could you".
M: Well, it simply isn't right, you gave him the shoes and didn't even-
L: Goodbye mother

God help me really, fucking madness everywhere, I CAN'T look at thim, I CAN'T talk to him, he makes me sick so I'm letting go of everything connected to him, here's an idea, mother, why don't YOU ring him and apologise for MY appalling behaviour, tell him what an absolutely lovely man you still think he is all the while disregarding the fact that, although you still miss him, he, shocker, has severed all ties and can't be bothered to contact you at all anymore, you still think of him and he has surely wiped your existence off his mind, you don't fit in with his life plans anymore so yeah, go on missing him, there's a splendid idea, hardly a waste of your time, and that one time he rang you right after we broke up, remember that, you said it was so sweet of him to think of that *slap slap slap my face*, I ASKED HIM TO SO YOU WOULDN'T BE SO SAD, I'm trying to keep his image intact for you so just leave me the bloody hell alone.

14 furballs:

Anonymous said...

I have no words for you, except that I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.



Heike said...

dear Lioness, its heartbreaking to read your blog at the moment and I guess its impossible as a stranger to be a help in that situation. about a year ago I felt approximately the same and in my unpublished diary I wrote (in German actually...):

I was always wondering what I've been made for
but if one distant day someone asks me:
And you? What have you been good at?
then at least I know what to answer:
To let go.

Go out, look for small things that are still there even though its hard to seem them right now behind tears. Colorful stones, birds, the ocean, yes, and butterflies.

And these damn exams, you'll pass them. You are tough!!!

Kath said...

I'm there, sweetie, and thinking of you.

Lord Chimmy said...

A very emotional post. For the first time in my life I actually felt like hugging a fellow (albeit distant) blogger.

Lioness said...

Heike, you are wrong. You may be a stranger but it helps, it really helps, really really, I can't tell you how much it means that you, a stranger, are holding out your hand. Never underestimate the power of one comment, you have no idea. Ein guter Freund von mir lebt in deiner Statd, ich werde ihn irgendwann mal besuchen, wer weiss, wir koennten uns in einer shoenen Kneippe treffen und du koenntest mir dein Geheimnis erzaehlen, wie man halt dieses Let Go lernen kann, gell?

Chimmy, how wonderful, and you have the body for proper hugs as well. Thank you dahling, it helps to know you're on the other side.

V+Kath, I know. Don't worry too much, I'll be all right eventually. I may have nightmares every night but I wake up to you, and that's not a bad thing at all.

heike said...

Really? Das waere super! Schade, eigentlich haette ich im September auf einer Konferenz in Lissabon sein sollen. Didn't work out. So, whenever you can get here, you are more than welcome!! Xibuk.

Eliyahu said...

may i mention that this is normal? normal, i say....normal, mormal, normal. not that that makes it any less painful. blessings, hugs, and QUIT SMOKING!!

Eliyahu said...

did i mention that you're going to be fine? you are going to be really excellent!!

Aurelia said...

I'm sorry Lioness, this sucks. It will get better someday, but yes, right now sucks.

Belizegial said...

Lioness, ditto to what the others have said. I finally came out on the other side recently myself when I got my divorce papers which freed me up to live and love again.

Yes, I took it hard in the beginning and literally thought I was going crazy from it all. However, I didn't and have 'moved on' as they say.

I am sorry for being trite. However, time really does heal (or scab over) all wounds.

Enid in Belize City

p.s. good luck with your exams

Manuela said...

Hello, my friend... first... as wonderful a woman I know your mother is... THE FUCK?! I'm soooo sorry she added the proverbial insult to the very literal injury. (shaking head) "He always does the right thing"....??!!??!! If EVER there were cause for an 'oy'.

Sending you much Canucka love...

Lioness said...

Well she doesn't know what happened after we broke up does she, that's exactly the point, she still thinks so highly of him and I want it to remain that way.

cat said...

This is freaky. On the very same day I dreamed of Harry Potter and a woman lost. Thought nothing of it because it just seemed like the brain emptying the days images.

Now perhaps it was you.

Mothers say the impossible, when we just wish they wouldn't speak at all sometimes. Sending you love dear lioness. This will pass... it will... but until then we are all here sending you love.

CarpeDM said...

Whoa. Weird dreams. Your mother reminds me of mine, fortunately mine lives in Arizona and I don't talk to her that often (I'm the bad daughter).

Will be thinking of you lots. Loved talking to you on Saturday, by the way. Yes, ma'am, I did.