12 June 2007

Mindfuck

The nigth all hell broke loose I dreamt of James Marsters. Not Spike, the character, but James Marsters, the actor. He was in Spike clothes but didn't look like him bcs his hair was James Marsters hair. I was in a Matrix leather suit thingy, those tight ones. He fancied me terribly and all I kept thinking was Why are you trying to kiss me, you're not Spike, you're James! There is a big difference. Then I was in Canada looking for a gorilla - yes, the gorillas are back, small wonder that Uzi would surface in such a dream at such a time - I was driving around in my Cayenne and was driving across a steep bridge when the breaks went out and I crashed intro the car in front of me bcs it had somehow turned into a one-lane bridge with cars going in both directions. The man I crashed into got out of the car and told me frantically to hurry up, the gorilla was almost out of air, he needed me, go go but I couldn't bcs my car was wrecked and I could barely see bcs my eyes were full of blood. Then James turned up on a weird bike that was huge but had a tiny seat, and he pulled me onto his lap vampire-style and drove off roaring. I was facing him and he started kissing me, Spike-like, while driving very fast and this had the ingredients to be a very sexy dream but I was puzzled bcs hey, he was not Spike and wait, did I have a boyfriend and oh my God how was I ever going to save my gorilla while straddling some actor and sucking tongue with my eyes closed. Then I woke up in a cold sweat after only 4h of sleep and couldn't go back to sleep.

That same night in the evening, while my Tweedle and I took turns breaking down, Papoila had another fit. She'd had one a month before, one so violent it woke us up and frightened us terribly, she was frightened as well, she even pooped herself. I thought she'd been frightened by something, remember her behavioural chnages in the past months? This time she was sleeping in her bed when she jumped up as though stung by a bee and circled the table panting and then fell to the floor, limbs stretched and twitching, neck stretched, shaking all over. Tweedle and I tried to calm her down but it took a long while. Then she climbed onto her lap and had another one. Two epileptiform attacks in a month is too much so I took her to the hospital yesterday. She had some blood drawn for tests, results not in yet, and is fine otherwise and at 5 years old it could still be idiopathic epilepsy. But it could be a degenerative disease, or a brain tumour. She could be gravely ill. It might be a controllable form of epilepsy but it might also be something that will kill her, my puppy, my puppy, I could lose my puppy. And she's suffering with him gone, that makes me mad with grief for her bcs I have no way to make it better or explain. She was even ill after he left, the unsuspecting thing. The cats are clingier but all right, it's Papoila who's truly suffering a
nd I can't protect her from it, any of it.

The very next day, Friday, I had to write an exam for which I'd been able to study very poorly till it happened and not at all afterwards. I went in bcs hey, what was one more 6 out of 20 on the board at that point - and yet, failing it meant taking the oral examination for Reproduction, which is by far the most horrendous subject this year, and would jeopardise my passing altogether. So I zombied my way through it and prepared for the worst. [UPDATE: I passed, I fucking passed, 11 out of 20, can't begin to understand it] Before going in I received a phone call saying my friend Shrimpy had to have surgery after all, she'd fallen down the stairs and broken her peroneum right by the foot joint and it was not going to get better just with a cast. So she was rushed into surgery after the consultation. That night there was also Tweedle's father's wake to go to. So hospitals and death and anguish and former deaths brought back and tears and howling and wakes and funerals and it was all just too much.

Then my sleep changed. It went from my being able to fall asleep more or less early, waking up far too often and early but still able to get some rest to this: I felt exhausted and was actually falling asleep when I'd have a flashback of something I was told, something from those phone conversations and horrid email exchanges that followed, and I'd be jolted awake, again and again.

And now it's changed again. I can't fall asleep easily bcs not only do I have the flashbacks but I am also worried sick abt Papoila. And when I do sleep, oh when I do sleep you know what I dream of? Us. I dream of fucking us, I waste those precious and few sleeping hours dreaming of us. See, when a relationship is working poorly and you're being half-bothered abt it and not really making a proper effort it's very tempting to turn it into an absolute, an absolute No. So you end it and think it was ALL bad, it was ALL tiring, it was ALL gone anyway. And that makes you feel all right abt having ended this bad, tiring, gone thing especially bcs you're angry at the other person and may not even know it bcs knowing it would mean taking a good look at yourself as well and why you would choose to stay despite it all. It wasn't ALL bad, ALL tiring, ALL gone anyway but it shouldn't have lasted this long because even the good bits, if I am willing to face the truth, weren't good enough. Psyche, I get it, I GET IT, and I agree. That is not what is making me feel this bad now, however, it's fact that the us is, surprise surprise, comprised of a cad and I. So get with the programme, psyche, and give the us a rest.

Right now there really is no respite, it's a mindfuck all around.

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PS - My mobile just peeped to remind me it is Uzi's mum's birthday today. Excuse me while I go add to my beautiful life by ringing my tsunami-dead best friend's half-dead mum.

11 furballs:

CarpeDM said...

Good God, this is a whole bunch of crap. I am so, so sorry about all of this happening to you. Unbelievable. Excuse me while I go and beat Sod to death with an umbrella.

Love you so much.

Aurelia said...

Lioness!

Please listen to me. Take Some Sleeping Pills!!!

Just for a few days until you get your sleep pattern back. Right now you are working yourself up into a really bad place. And if you don't have a decent sleep you will never ever make sense again.

And I know you are a vet and all, and I'm not, but I suspect your puppy may have the same kind of issues right now and it may not be epilepsy. Our pets feed off of our stress, and react.

You need to CALM DOWN. Break the cycle. Block his phone calls, and emails. Ignore him and take care of you. I don't care how at this point, chemically, with therapy, somehow, just please I beg of you, eat a decent meal, shower, get some fresh air, and get some bloody sleep.

Then come back to us.

Manuela said...

Johnny... she's right. On all counts

You are working yourself into a state that's concerning me. Take drugs if you have to... I'm getting more than a little worried.

Udge said...

My gods, it all happens at once, doesn't it! Poor Lioness; and poor Papoila and Shrimpy and Tweedle too. At least the cats are well (touch wood). Long-distance hugs and thoughts of comfort to you all.

But Aurelia's right. You must get some sleep somehow, exhaustion makes everything else worse and harder. Swallow your pride and independence andd whatever else inhibits you from taking them (we've been here before, haven't we) and just swallow the damned pills :-)

cat said...

At a time like this pharmaceuticals are certainly worth serious consideration. Better living through chemicals luv. Hugs to you and all your furry little ones.

Lioness said...

You lot, thanks for your concern but I am not working myself into ANY state. I sleep, I SLEEP, just not that well for now. It's been hard is all, these days have been hard on many levels. I do shower, I do get fresh air, am trying juices now, and I do sleep. I eventually do and I don't have nightmares all night long. Will not take any shit, I am heartbroken, pain needs to be dealt with, not swallowed. Maybe not the not eating but I'm trying to make that better as well. It comes and goes, sometimes it is unbearable, sometimes not. I'm upset bcs I'm dreaming of things that'd be easier forgotten, and pissy bcs I'm remembering them. NOT IN A STATE.

Udge said...

Good.

Aurelia said...

First of all, I'm not sure what "state" means in Portie, but for me it just means "state of being", possibly "upset state of being", no offense was meant, k?

I hope that comment means you are going to eat something. Juice is a good start, something with protein and veg is next. Blood sugar & insulin swings are not helpful.

And yes, Lioness, I of all people, KNOW pain needs to be dealt with, not swallowed; but you don't have to deal with the entire gamut of your pain in-one-fell-swoop-this-very-second. You can take a break and get a whole entire night of dreamless sleep, THEN have another night of things you don't want to think of to contemplate.

One or two doses of sleeping pills is not a bad thing, just a tiny sprinkle. Did you not suggest this very plan to me one day?

Regardless, I care, and I'm projecting all my frustrated mother impulses on you, so nevermind my bossiness, just know I'm paving the road to hell with my good intentions.

Manuela said...

Right... what Aurelia said.

hrmph.

Just don't want you in some sleep-deprived starving dehydrated STATE now DO we!!! Show a girl some motherly love and she gets all defensive. (sniff)

Seriously, love... it simply seems you are asking yourself to digest a LOT all in a very short time frame... cut yourself some SLACK... and IF, IF, IF you have ongoing problems with sleep...DO seek short-term relief. It has NOTHING to do with swallowing pain, silly girl.

Now come here and let me give you a hug.

brooksba said...

Oh, when it rains it fucking pours. I'm so sorry honey. You do not deserve to have all the world crashing down around you. This just plain sucks. The dreams - sometimes don't you just wish you could sleep without the mindtrip? The dreams can be worse than the thoughts we have when our minds wander. Damn.

I hope that Papoila is going to be okay. Both of our family dogs (the one who has passed and the one who is almost 15 now) went through stages of seizures. Scary as hell. The first time I ever witnessed it I freaked out and cried and cried. All I could ever do for either was to hold them, make them feel safe and wait for it to pass. I hope the blood test comes back that Papoila will be fine - I am really thinking of you and her. I do know how scary that is.

I'm with DM and beating Sod. I'll skip the umbrella and move straight to sledgehammer if it would help you.

Udge said...

I just noticed the update. Congratulations! 11 out of 20 is good enough, dammit! Nobody (except possibly yourself) will care a rat's hind toenail in five years whether it was 55% or 95%. Well done.