13 June 2007

Mindfuck 2

Dreams today:

- Was on a train with Papoila and JIP. The doors closed and I realised I couldn't see Papoila's head, bcs it had got stuck in the door, only part of the neck was visible. Then I realised it wasn't stuck, the neck tapered down to a V and the head was further down, connected to it simply by a very thin and stretched nerve. Despite her wagging tail I was hysterical, asking around for a big plastic bag so I could put JIP in while I looked for a hospital so Papoila could have her neck and head glued back together bfr it got severed beyond salvation. Woke up in a cold sweat at 5 am sobbing, squashed furry ones with love till they all protested and fled, came back into living-room, drank a bit of juice, went back to bed, read, fell asleep with light on again.

- Was back on the train, got out of the train carrying the bag with a feisty JIP in it (would never work in real life) and Papoila, who had miraculously regained an intact neck. JIP ran away into the night and started climbing buildings, perching on very narrow windowsills, refusing to come to me. Got hysterical again, ran around crying calling her name, trying to get her to come back, ran back to where people were to see if anyone would help me, and when I went back to where I'd last seen her she was up a tree and jumped into my arms when I whistled (she always answers to my whistling for her) but she wasn't all right, she had such a massive internal bleeding she looked like a balloon and I was hysterical again, she was meowing hoarsely, could barely be heard, and finally some vet told me she was bleeding bcs she herself had severed her vocal chords so she could cry without being killed by the men chasing her, so I woke up sobbing again at 7 am and again went to hug them till they ran away, even the dog.

- Came back into living-room, read some more, went back to bed, had dreams of him but can't remember what, they were hectic and draining but at least there were no gorillas.

Look, I write so I can purge, I write bcs it's all I can do right now to try and make the pain stay at bay, contain it, allow me to function, no doctor here would prescribe me sleeping pills for it, not one, they'd tell me to take something which can be bought without a prescription and does absolutely nothing, but I'll try and find an alternative bcs I do need to start sleeping better, I absolutely need it. And listen, I write mostly as though I have no audience, I write for me, and I know I have alienated a few people bcs it has become too much, I have become too much, and it's not like it's a real death this time, but, BUT, even though it is not a death in the physical sense it is a death, and writing is all I have right now, not that it helps me understand it much, it doesn't, but right now it's worse in a way than in those first days bcs that all-consuming rage is gone, I have wanted to hurt him and I did and it wasn't very satisfying to my surprise, not at all, I wrote things I never thought I could in a manner I never have bfr and hope to God I never will again and I am not apologising for it or excusing him, absolutely not, how could I ever, I had a right to it all but that is gone, rage is gone, I'm just sad, sadsadsadsadsadsadsad, sad all over, and it's even harder to take bcs what, how, HOW HOWHOWHOWHOW, so I write but I don't want to start filtering myself, I don't want to start wondering if people will worry or leave bcs of it so I won't, I'll write what I need when I need it, when have I ever posted daily, I'll write when the weight in my belly becomes too much, I'll write so the vultures lodged in my chest give some space to inhale and exhale and I refuse to feel bad abt the fact that maybe it will turn some away or that maybe some didn't care as much as I thought they might, and I don't even know if I'm making much sense but this is all I have now, all I have, and thank you for worrying so much and putting up with this, it can't be good to read, but don't, I'll be all right again eventually, don't worry abt my not eating, no point in forcing it, I rebelled yesterday and had potatoes bcs my brain said I must and well, they're easier to vomit than rice, there's that, my body is well padded, it can afford a drastic diet for a while, let it heal as well, body seems to be adamant abt grieving, let it grieve, in time we'll all be back to normal, over and out.

8 furballs:

Udge said...

Re people jumping ship because of what you write: yes, some will; but most of your friends won't. (And I do realize that the question of recognizing a friend is part of your sadness over the Unnameable One. I've no answer to that except to annoy you by going all zen-ish about change and suffering and the dichotomy between inner identity and outer appearance, and since it would annoy you, we won't go there.)

There are thousands of websites that blather cheerfully about lolcats and whatever other trivial crud is allegedly kewl; it's crap, all of it. We don't come here for "happy", we come here for YOU. (It would be a bonus if you were happy, of course; but that's another story that will be true again in time.)

I am not a psychologist but: she was bleeding bcs she herself had severed her vocal chords so she could cry without being killed by the men chasing her seems to me to be about yourself and grieving and your worries about what we'll think of you for it. Go ahead and cry as loudly as you can, dear Johnny. Write what you need to write, when you need to write it. We'll be here.

Grieve. Rest. Recover. Eat raw meat. In that order.

cat said...

That you remember your dreams with that much clarity means you are not taking enough drugs... legal or illegal my dear.

Times like this call for strong measures.

or warm milk.

Love to you.

CarpeDM said...

Oh, Udge, if ever I've wished I could steal a comment written by you (many, many times), this is the biggest one. Wow. Just wow.

Anyway, he's right. I'm going to come here and read you because you are my friend and I care about you. And I know what it feels like to have to let all of your emotions flow out because that's the only way to gain control. I've used this myself. If this is what you need to do, then do it. I'm always going to be here for you. Much love.

Manuela said...

Johnny!!! I was thinking PRECISELY what Udge said! I've been taught that dreams of our beloved animals, are actually representations of what is happening to OURSELVES! This has held true for me for my entire life, and what I read right now it sounds VERY much like this is what you are doing as well.

Sending love, as always. And those who abandon you??? Oh for fuck's sake... then they CERTAINLY weren't true friends now WERE they!

Manuela said...

By the way... I'm still standing here with a lovely zebra rib platter in one hand... and the succulent filet of giselle in the other...

Udge said...

BTW forgive me for lecturing you on medical matters, but: if you really have eaten as little as it sounds, then your body is getting very low on electrolytes and vitamins. Take some pills with your tea/coffee/water -- you ARE drinking, at least?

{{{ dm }}}

Aurelia said...

Ditto Udge TOTALLY.

I will read whatever you write Lioness, I'm only concerned because I just am. I can't kiss it and make it better, but I can remind you to eat, and sleep and take care of yourself. If I was there in person I would hug you and stuff you with food.

And yes, I do believe the emotional and mental are connected to the physical. You will grieve more productively when you eat. That's why funerals are followed by feasts in so many cultures and jews and catholics and maybe muslims? bring piles of food around for grieving families.

4000 years of sitting shiva can't be wrong.

brooksba said...

Well, I couldn't possibly say it as well as Udge. Those who care, truly care, are going to be here no matter what. While I know you may find a time when the words aren't there, we'll still listen. We'll still be here. Even if I don't understand all the emotions, because each person goes through different emotions at different magnitudes, I'll be here to listen and offer support and damn I wish I could just give you a real hug.

Love to you Dahling.