21 June 2007


Another day, another nightmare. Life still toxic. Surprise.

A while ago someone sent me an invitation to join Ko*ola*noo, but I didn't go to the site right away and then forgot abt it. Yesterday I found a mention of it on someone's blog and decided to have a look. I had to join first and then I looked around, trying to understand what it was all abt. Apparently, it is a networking site. I tried finding people I know but the only people whose profiles I could find were some blokes from our synagogue. I specifically asked for no dating, both in my profile and my personality (am still a but puzzled by it all). And yet.

No sooner had I finished with the photo uploading than I realised I had already received two messages, both from men. One was all right, he just wanted to add me as a friend. I checked who his friends were and he has several men among them. He's from the Netherlands and looks a bit "50 yo Playboy meets The Sopranos while wearing pink polo shirt and sitting wealthily at outside cafe". A tad too much for me.

The other message? Here you go:

BLECH!!!!! *megaoesophagus*

When I realised I had signed in with my real name and surname, how absolutely daft, I quickly became "Joh*nny (Por*tugal)" (Hi! ADD ME! BE MY FRIEND! LET'S NETWORK!) and added my Jewish surname instead. And there was no place for me to add that I'm Sephardic and I'm terribly proud of my Sephardic roots - my Ashkenazi look comes from the Celts having pillaged and raped their way through Northern Portugal, where my dad comes from, but on my mum's side everyone is dark, broody and intense - so I looked around some more and realised that for
that I needed to accept Dating. So I stomped my foot a few times and did it. Am now looking for "friend, or more". Was subliminally looking for "more" even before, according to that lovely, sophisticated Ador*ne Ver*monte. Can think of nothing better than to have him and his ridiculous name whisper sweet nothings in my ear in Dutch. I am a big hit with The Netherlands, obviously. And his profile discloses absolutely nothing except for the fact that he's a 40 yo male - who wouldn't be interested? And flattered. This git makes the I Kiss You bloke look understated. Sadly, the site frowns upon abusive language so telling him he's a wanker is out of the question.

And I just got another message! This one is, less originally, entitled "You are popular".

Hi Johnny (Portugal),
You caught the eye of ded*iboy and they wanted to send you a little message.
Did they now.

I don't know abt this. I'll leave it be for now bcs I'm hoping I may yet find people I've lost touch with but, honestly, in the 10 min I was there yesterday my profile was viewed 11 times, all by men. It has now risen to 19. Well. I suppose I can't complain much now bcs I allowed Dating but this was happening even before I did and it didn't seem to make a difference. Seems as though this
connecting is mostly gonadal. Bah.

UPDATE: It's up to 33
36 now, and I got three more messages and hey, this 38 yo Levy bloke from TA is hot. A playah, but hot. His motto is "When you have to shoot, shoot don't talk!" Ooh sexy, so... Tzavah! And he loves diving into a good book - this could work, I can feel it in my bones. THE ONE. I could go to Israel and stay with him! can't give up this site now, I couldn't possibly disappoint the hordes of eligible, trustworthy men who are so desperateley trying to make a decent woman out of me, I'm suddenly HOT. Honestly, I must be emitting pheromones even through the ether bcs men seem to be noticing me much more, it's truly bizarre. I've found a way to include the info without Dating. I think I'll just sit back and enjoy the madness. This is such exquisite posting fodder!

RE-UPDATE: 87 now, 87, most of them men barely in their 20's. Eeek! But I was contacted by this lovely woman with Portuguese roots who is also a bat-an*usim. She lives near Haifa now and is planning to visit Portugal next year. Isn't this fun? A message that actually didn't give me a fright! My inbox has loads of invitations from men but not one has bothered to actually address me, not one has taken the time to actually talk to me, they've likely clicked on a button and now I'm supposed to simply "connect" or know that I am "cool" or something. No wonder they need the internet to meet women (and good luck with that anyway), they're all mental.

6 furballs:

Udge said...

Oh dear. At least they're good for a laugh?

I have to admit that I feel a twinge of paranoid unease when I read something like 50 yo Playboy meets the Sopranos while wearing pink polo shirt and sitting wealthily at outside cafe. I wonder how people describe me behind my back, what image I project. (Trinny and Whatsit again :-)

D said...

Hey! Don't ridicule 40+ year old Dutchmen! You inhabitant of a 3rd world European country!
(Sorry, couldn't come up with a more inventive creative insult)

brooksba said...

Well, sounds similar to MySpace. But more private. I'm happy to see you getting a laugh out of most of it.

Lord Chimmy said...

Any woman with ANY sort of networking site account is going to get hit on by hundreds of men. Unfortunately, 99.9% are going to be the creepy kind.

My sister gets those sort of messages daily on her myspace site. When will men learn?

Diana said...

Oh, this is just too good! Endless mirth and mocking. When things get too bleak, just read some of the messages and realize that things could be so much worse with one of those blokes living next door.


CarpeDM said...

Oh, dear. Well, at least one of the messages is cool. Gosh, I wonder if tons of men will think I'm hot. Doubt it but it could be interesting.