19 June 2007

"It's too bad she won't live. But then again, who does?"


I am mad, I am so bloody mad! And what makes me even angrier is that I thought it was all all gone, mad was gone, oh but no, it isn't, it bloody well isn't, not even remotely, I need to study, I fucking need to study and do you know I cannot, I wrote the reproduction exam on Monday, I studied nothing for it, nothing, I couldn't, it was a horrid exam, I will of course fail and have to re-take it in 2 weeks [PASSED!] and in the meantime there's Surgery next Friday and I'm already considering leaving it for later as well bcs I can't even concentrate enough to figure out what the fuck I need to study, the whole mailing list is in an uproar bcs we were told what to study but the teachers don't seem to think that giving us the actual material is part of their job and really, Australia doesn't sound half bad right now, I can't study, I CAN'T STUDY, what the fuck am I going to do, what if I fail this year, I CAN'T FAIL THIS YEAR, I can't prolong any of this shit anymore, I'm at the end of my tether anyway, what, I need this, I've had to mourn the loss of an absolute trust and truth bfr I could even begin mourning the loss of my relationship, YES IT WAS A SHITTY THING TO DO, good luck trying to convince yourself otherwise, we can run but we can't hide, I've tried and it always came back to bite my Portie arse, it took me years, fucking long years to get over my friend's betrayal, this should take nless but I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD MONTHS NOW, I HAVE EXAMS TO PASS, I need for it all to be gone, gone, GONE, obliterated, why wait till fucking August when we can do it now, he's working so hard at it, did you know that, for instance, every time I went into the office to spend some time with him it was out of duty? No? You didn't? Well, neither did I but apparently that's how it was, he sensed it, HE COULD FEEL THE HABIT, this last year was aaaaaaall abt duty, and I feel slightly szchizophrenic bcs fuck me if I wasn't there, fuck me if I don't have memories from those times as well, SOME GOOD ONES AT THAT and why not be a man abt it instead of doing this truly hilarious revisionist thing, you want it to be all bad, fine, your prerrogative, and actually thanks to you it now all is, I wish I had a bottle of Outcider - oh make sure to try some IN ISRAEL, you'll love the taste, MUCH better than the Ikea ones, l'haim! - to drink to the lies that were apparently so abundant we mistook them for each other, leave me the sod out of it all, leave what I've said in all honesty out of it, it wasn't pretty to find out all that abt me, it wasn't easy for me to admit the things I know I did wrong, aknowledge my courage at least and leave me out of it, specially since you haven't yet had the courage to do the same, don't draw me into your Re-Write The Past Workshop for one, do it on your own, you know what Judaism is abt at its core?, it's abt truth, it's abt being able to take a good look at ourselves, it's abt making decisions and OWNING THEM, fucking owning all of them, the good ones and the bad ones, especially the bad ones, everything else is cowardice, no amount of davening or Torah will help us if we're not willing to face the crud in our bellybuttons and the rottenness in our wake, you don't want the fucking truth go right ahead and suppress it but don't get all pissy and hurt bcs you know that things have been changed forever and ever and whatever the fuck is that comes after that, hell, wish it all could be done with already so I could eat again without nausea and the nightmares were gone, and while you're at it ask yourself why you're obsessing abt the man who is now pursueing me and let me reiterate, in case I wasn't clear enough and not that it's any of your business but I dislike being used as a pretext, shag whomever you want but don't try to make it sound like I will force you to it you, the fuck?, I have had no contact with him and I won't have any contact with him or anyone else till I can be certain that I am not using them and I won't even be doing it for them, bcs it's somehow so very wrong to use people to minimise our pain no matter how much we hurt, I'm doing it for me, ME, the time for ambulatory vibrators is long past, I am better than that, I deserve better than that, I deserve to be able to see me, ME, not hide behind someone's vapid and ephemeral comfort, sorry I couldn't oblige by shagging him and making the task of forgetting me easier [sic] [are you serious??] and for the last fucking time, my rather considerable pain is abt LACK OF LOYALTY, NOT LOSS OF YOU, and while you're at it ask yourself why you could be found a few days ago rummaging though MY cupboards and MY fridge for food and were so shocked when I asked what the bloody hell you thought you were doing and ask yourself why you couldn't leave said flat after our talk and needed to be told to go, ask yourself what sort of habit had you that rooted to the spot, ask yourself what sort of habit had you doing the things you did and wanting to do the things you didn't, and while you're at it ask yourself why you're still reading my fucking blog.


9 furballs:

brooksba said...

Oh sweetie. I've been meaning to comment (I have an email that I need to reply to for you. That is on my list of MUST DO tonight. I swear it is.) The emotions are just jumping around for you and things keep happening to push you back and forth. As much as it might help to just write off the past year as "habit," that's not a proper way to heal. You know this. I think that is a big part of this post. It hurts to think that someone could just write you off as a person who fakes gestures out of duty. That's ridiculous.

One of the things that bothers me about this entirely screwed up situation is that, "Damn. Johnny deserves the happy ending." The problems with endings are that they are rarely happy. And that sucks rock.

Thinking of you. Every day.

Aurelia said...

Message from Mr.Cotta, guy-to-guy: Stop reading her blog, buddy. Go away, this is not cool.

Lioness, if you want, I have code for blocking iP addresses, you know in case, dork face doesn't get the message.

Lioness said...

I know you're trying to help but I'm venting, not trying to hurt. No insulting please.

Panda said...

Yeh, and damn good venting too.

Excellent work, dahlink.

Lord Chimmy said...

Oh, I recognized the vent. I do that all the time. We need to vent or else we'd just explode with rage.

I've got no real comment other to say that I'm still reading. Vent on sister.

P.S., your Bladerunner quotes have not gone unappreciated.

Kath said...

Oh, Lioness, I hear you.

I hope you get a few good patches of concentration in, despite all of this turmoil. Thinking of you lots.

CarpeDM said...

Yes, very good venting. Quite impressive, actually. Thinking of you.

Udge said...

You are better than that, and you do deserve better than that. Repeat hourly.

BTW how are Papoila and Shrimpy? Hugs to all three of you.

JoeinVegas said...

Time to change the locks, and stop reading his blog too.
Sorry he can't just be nice - you do deserve more.