08 June 2007

"I never wanted it to end up this way, you've only got yourself to blame"

This post is powered by Noorster [and Manuela now as well, see bottom!].

Our song used to be Jens Lekman's F-Word, and what an apt title that turned out to be. It has now been replaced in my affections by a song that Noorster sent me bcs she's that sort of friend, the one who knows just what you need even if you don't. I've been listening to it on repeat. It's not that I can identify with the lyrics themselves for the most part, though a few sentences make absolute sense, but the general sentiment? Oh yes, this woman is ME. Here's the pretty song.

I've never been mean, you know. I may write roaring posts often and I can be so sarcastic my words could truly do harm if I wanted to but I'm usually very careful not to hurt people. Really mean doesn't come naturally to me is what I'm trying to say. I don't think I've ever been gratuitously and evilishly mean on this blog. But now? Sod it I want blood, I want to draw blood and see it flow, I understand every cell in Evil Willow's body bcs I too wish I could blow up the fucking world with my eyes just so I could feel clean again. I'm the one who hasn't eaten in two days bcs the thought of food makes me gag and I can't keep anything but coke down, me, the non-vomiter, puking in the sink bcs I dared brush my teeth. Even my smell has changed. My smell! My world, the world as I knew it, was fucking stolen from me, I was left raw and empty and spat out by the side of the road and I cannot even begin to make any sense of it, if you cannot trust that those who profess to love you will never hurt you who can you trust? Tell me, who can you trust?

You know what else is unbelievable? He was here, in my blog. MY BLOG. He read my post and - oy, he was hurt. No listen, he was hurt. Oh, I NEED BLOOD. And even that may not be enough. He can say all he wants but he knew it was wrong, and I know he knew it was vile bcs I'm told in his blog he only says he is going to Israel to visit friends and family. And then he tried to hide it from me, bcs I'm that thick. In the words of Noorster to some wanker she was getting rid of (and yes Patience, absolutely, that word has been used by me abundantly, in English even), You're so spineless you should be reclassified as a whole new species.

Oh and yeah, shabbat shalom. Much.


UPDATE: HEY! Manuela to the rescue now, God but I feel loved by the internet, I do, I am actually smiling now! I think we're on the road to How Johnny Got Her Bloody Groove Back! She sent me another song and this one, dahlings, this one is PERFECT, every single sentence! Every single one. Here it is, and here are the lyrics:

"Asking Too Much"

I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, you know
I never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
because if you hear me talking
listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
I want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words I want someone
who's not afraid of themselves

do you think I'm asking too much?

5 furballs:

Manuela said...

For some reason I can't play the song, so I don't get the whole musical effect of the thing, but the lyrics certainly make a point.

I was thinking of a song for you as well... and the one that comes to mind is by Ani Difranco, it's called "Am I asking too much...",
I don't know how to send it to you, but you might be able to track it down. It was my soul-song when I was once feeling much like you are now.

sending love of course.

Manuela said...

And no... you are most certainly NOT asking too much.

cat said...

Music certainly has a way of summing it all up nicely.

brooksba said...

I like the song. It is fitting. I'm finding myself scouring music tonight for the answers for you. I don't know why I do it, but I guess I'm looking for answers for you. I just wrote a really long email to you, so I'll keep this short.

And there is no way to ask for too much. It's your life and you deserve it to be fantastic. So there.

Love you Dahling.

CarpeDM said...

I don't think you're asking for too much. I think we all deserve that. I like that song.