09 June 2007

Enough, enough now

Really. Enough.

One of the pivotal notions that my parents instilled in me from an early age is the fact that every single person on this big, wide earth is deserving of my respect regardless of who they are. I have always known that I'd be in very big trouble if I didn't show the peasant the same courtesy I'd show the queen of England, protocol aside. If anything, I was to treat the peasant better because he is far less privileged, given far less chances, has hardship in his life of a degree I couldn't begin to fathom.

See, this is what it all boils down to, respect. There was an us and this us had plans that were very concrete in that manner of dreams that are willed into being and hover in some parallel universe until we can pull them in. It is not right to take these dreams a mere week after that us was gone (and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here) and transplant them, it isn't, it never will be. Take anyone, take anyone anywhere, such a big planet this is, but not to Israel, surely not to Israel right away, the Israel that was mine and then ours a bit. I was absolutely unprepared for the shock that went through me bcs, see, I really couldn't ever prepare for this sort of thing, see this world, see the certainties you have, look here, all gone now. One of my pillars of faith, absolute faith is, those who love you will always love you well, those who love you will protect, regardless. You may feel pissy, you may be fed up with them, you may even want to hurt them but hey, they are yours. They are yours now. You don’t hurt them ever, the same way you don’t hurt yourself. You just don’t.

I've always thought of E. as a good person if a bit rough around the edges. More importantly, I've always thougth he could never be a bad one, I believed he would pass all tests that life chose to throw his way, didn't I just say he was good? He used to be fairly generous, not in a material way though in that one as well, I mean generosity of being. Maybe it was selective blindness but I don’t think so, mostly it was that nothing had happened during these two years that made me realise, even though he admitted often enough that yes he was selfish, how that selfishness could so very easily turn into callousness. I mean, there was something abt a week before the end but I still thought that deep down he'd know how to do the right thing for everyone eventually.

You do what is right not bcs it is a duty, not bcs it is a chore, but bcs love begets love, this is what you feel, the right thing feels right bcs it is right. And with people you love, with people whom you care about, people who matter to you, with whom you have a history, it's even easier bcs you care abt them so much it doesn't matter, it may cross your mind that something might be nice but if it means causing the other that much pain you don't really ever consider doing it, it's not even a sacrifice, you couldn't possibly achieve relief or a semblance of happiness at their cost, the price you yourself would pay would be horrendous, how would you live with yourself for them being in that much pain?

I have said this before, this blog has been therapy. Not so long ago I'd never write about it bcs look here, how sordid this is, I'd be exposing myself, I'd be letting people know this happened to me, this ugly thing, oh the shame, no one must ever know! But see, the truth is this is no reflection on me. And what else was there, I needed to talk about it, I needed to let it all out, I needed lancing, I felt ravaged, I felt I'd been ripped apart by one of the few people in this world I knew could never hurt me deliberately, ever ever, what else was there but to, again, look for salvation from madness in words? I felt poisoned, I still do. Even with Uzi I never had this physical reaction, I looked like shit for the longest time, my psoriasis flared up but I never had my body be in this state of shock, this, I couldn't even speak properly, I mumbled my words, I used them wrong, I sounded like a stroke victim, the muscles around my mouth felt stretched and couldn't work properly. The difference is, Uzi left me but he never betrayed me. My pattern is, when I'm in love I stop eating, when I'm miserable I binge; this was a total surprise, this physical disgust that has prevented me from eating anything at all, from smelling it, from even thinking abt it. It felt like all the cells in my body were bathed in revulsion, that they were all convulsing, eyes shut, hands on ears, screaming NONONO!

I've wanted to draw blood, I wanted to hurt him at least as much as he hurt me, I lashed out like a banshee in a way that frightened even me, I felt like I was going up in flames, I was raw, I was drowning, I was once pregnant with this man’s baby, pregnant with his baby my God, so disgusted, I have never been this condensedly hurt in my whole fucking life, never ever, and to have it come from him… It does change everything, it was inevitable, it changed who we were for me, who he is, it’s hard to hold on to past beauty in the face of such ugliness.

But enough now, enough with the bloodshed. This isn’t who I am, this isn’t who I want to be, I won’t allow it, I won’t lose any more, I won’t lose me. "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."

Time to mourn this death now.

4 furballs:

Udge said...

{{{ lioness }}}

brooksba said...

"the price you yourself would pay would be horrendous, how would you live with yourself for them being in that much pain?" This hit me. Hit me hard. This has always been in my mind and it is a thought I had over and over a few years ago.

This is a death. You are right. Again, I'm so sorry this ended this way.

It is most likely a small consolation, however; I love you. You are my friend and I do care that this has caused you so much pain.

Dale said...


Manuela said...

Oh, Johnny.

Never has your intrinsic wisdom been more evident than in this post about your experience of the most excrutiating of life's emotions. Betrayal and its aftermath.

I've said it to you in emails, and I'll say it again. You are a wonder, a life force, a sage, and a scourge when needlessly wounded. Sadly... he knows this now more than ever and he will regret this savage ending for as long as he lives. You will remain his 'what if'. And never has a more worthy 'what if' ever been.