27 June 2007

Bad exam, bad times ahead

Exam very very bad. Very bad. Very, very VERY bad. I wasn't hopeful for Reproduction but this one was worse, if you choose the wrong answer they take away points from your final note and the questions where a written answer was required were precisely abt the diseases I was less comfortable with. Dismal. I was very inventive but I don't think it will be a rewarded strategy. This leaves me not knowing what to do with the remaining subjects, I may have to drop one altogether already, next year will be fun, this exam season is doing my head in, I can't make any decisions until I find out the grade on Monday and I can't not study till then but don't know where to start.

I know life rewards the brave, life moves forward thanks to every-day minor braveries, not tremendous heroic acts, I know we can only protect ouselves up to a certain point and from that point on we have to be willing to say This is me, this is what I am, this is what I want, regardless of what happens I need to know that I did try, I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't, I know exposure is a risk and one I have been willing to take, if I were to do any more exposing my organs would fall out into the pit of hell that is roaring below me, singeing my feet, I know I felt I needed to be patient but right now I don't want to be patient, I want things to change somehow, time for someone else to be brave, not me, I have been trying to be brave and nothing's better, I still don't understand this sum of the parts of my life, I still feel I'm being punished, I want to go away and stay away, I want Winter to be here already, fast it all forward, I told you the crazy would return, it did, bewinged, I'll go hide behind some chick lit, sod the exams, I can't do this anymore, I just can't.

2 furballs:

Anonymous said...

[just think that I'm sitting quietly in the room with you, commiserating but really having nothing new to say but ((Johnny))]


Udge said...

So start by giving yourself a break: Rather than sitting home not studying and feeling guilty/angry at yourself about it, declare an intentional Mental Health Day and deliberately leave home to do nice things elsewhere. Take your chick lit to the beach cafe with the white steel and fritted glass near the Navigator (can't find their card, but you know which one).

Better to be relaxed in the fresh air not studying, than at home feeling miserable not studying. Just a thought.

Big hugs and warm encouragements from Germany.