07 June 2007

Am going home - UPDATE, UPDATE!

Will be in Israel the first fortnight of August.

Bittersweet, as always, made even more so by - let's call it Life, The Universe And Everything. Which also makes it hysterical, in a way I'm not yet prepared to discuss. Believe me though, Murphy's cackling.

But yes, am coming home. Bring out the garinim.


I am putting the Israel trip on hold while I ruminate. See, Israel has been more than a bit soiled. It's been defiled, that's what it is, by E. of all people.

Dahlings, brace yourselves, I'm coming out!

E. and I broke up almost a fortnight ago. It had been coming for a veeeery long time, we weren't right together anymore, we were not happy, we were running on emtpy and honestly, from my part I couldn't be bothered any more. We were past trying. After we'd broken up I couldn't even feel anything but relief for a few days, one way or the other it was done. Eventually I felt sadness but, as sadness goes, I had been mourning the relationship for months, I was mourning as it died bfr my very eyes. I was able to keep all the memories of what we had once been, we were phenomenal for a while.

We had a very good break-up, both of us sobbing in each other's arms, quite the romantic B-movie we all know and cherished. And then the plot suffered a French twist of sorts and it's all gone to bloody hell, all bloody gone and dead and trampled over. I decided I wanted to go to Israel and it was bittersweet bcs of Uzi but also bcs of E., bcs we had spent hours talking abt Israel, talking abt going there together, me showing him my favourite places, him seeing where Uzi lived. He always got Uzi. He was going to move to Israel when we met and then he didn't. He'd never even been there, mind, but that's what Jews do, we love Israel, we breathe Israel, that's just how it is. Then I found out he too was going to be there at the same time and there were a few soap opera worthy scenes on the phone, but it all smoothed out. And I was all for healing, healing like a girl.

See, there is this surfer from a far away land. He used to live here some years ago and we were together. A long one at that. He was gorgeous, one of his greatgrandmothers was an Indian and bloody hell did he have the cheekbones and mouth to prove it and the sort of tan that made him look like he bathed in cinammon. He was hot, truly and greatly hot. We lived pretty much wrapped around each other and he actually wanted to marry me, he thought I was a fucking goddess, can you imagine? He's been back in the country for a while and wanted to see me. I said no bcs I was with E., of course, it didn't even cross my mind to, and then when he rang again a few days ago I said no bcs we'd just broken up and surely it wouldn't be right to just start something so I could have some comfort and forget.

Oh but then.

See, there's this woman who's been trying to jump E.'s bones ever since she first met him years ago. She actually wanted to come to Portugal (she knew we lived together) and her plan was, as he told me and if I remember correctly, they'd go out some night to some nice place from where they could see all the city, with a bottle of wine, and then he could explain all abt Portuguese culture to her. Yes, she's that into Ethnology. It never came to happen, alas, even though she pawed him at meetings every chance she got to the extent that even our rebbetzin, who witnessed it, expressed her disgust to me. I've never met her but the woman certainly seems to ooze class.

And no, he hasn't shagged her, that's not it. I wish he had though, it might be easier. There's often comfort in just having a warm body, the pain may still be there but it makes it easier to ignore. I'm all for rebound shags if they help you and I absolutely think he has the right to shag his way across the Western world if he is so inclined, it doesn't concern me anymore - and truth be told the idea doesn't bother me that much either, it's mostly that residual thingy, we are supposed to thrive and be coveted immediately, they are supposed to retreat sobbing to a monastery - albeit a Jewish one - and forever mourn what they lost. *sob*

The story he'd been telling me abt Israel was bizarre though and then his grandma told me, (much to his chagrin) that he was indeed going to visit said woman's country. God but the woman must have been happy! At last, at last, some Portie culture! He rang me immediately in a bit of a panic upon finding out the cat was out of the bag and scratching the furniture to reassure me that no no he wasn't going and if he were he wasn't planning to blablabla and I just told him to shut up, it didn't concern me anymore, really it didn't. And I did mean it. So he was going to Israel only after all. But it all sounded so weird, him talking abt going to visit family. Hallo, family? YOU HAVE NO FAMILY IN ISRAEL! Then he babbled abt this bloke (whom he cannot stand at all btw) that may be his cousin who lives there and WHAT? Much bizarreness. And this, dahlings, this is where I introduce you to my antennae. I have the most accurate antennae in the world, and they work even without my knowing it. See, I was sort of dozing off and all of a sudden I knew. I knew, I fucking knew with every fibre of my being what was happening. So I rang him, and oh fun was had by all. He hummed and awed and was more than a bit freaked out by my saying I'd dreamt and now I knew what he was doing, and how exactly was he going to Israel? Via a certain country, and with a certain person?

You know, sometimes something happens that irrevocably changes everything, past and present. And this, this was just... I was talking to him and my mouth was dry and I was shaking and basically, it's incomprehensible to me how he could be planning to go to Israel, Israel, so soon after we broke up - planning it NOW actually - with someone else. He tried to turn it into a cat fight, saying I was pissed off bcs it was her, the opponent (his words). Dude... First of all, dude...! Second, I don't care who it is! it doesn't matter if it's her or someone else, I could fucking care less abt the identity of the shag-partner to be, what matters is that it is someone, so soon, and Israel! She could be the planet's most gorgeous woman or the ugliest thing that ever breathed and it'd be all the same to me, it doesn't make a fucking difference! Am I insane bcs I think he's insane bcs he doesn't see that this is indeed a betrayal, a kick in the gut, that it felt like my insides were being ripped out and still does? And then, he, the Jew, writes an email to me, the Jewess, who actually lived in Israel for 3.5 years bcs she loved it THAT much, and says, he actually says ISRAEL IS JUST A PHYSICAL PLACE, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WERE. Oh the bleeding idiot, oh the bleeding bleeding BLEEDING idiot! Have I gone blonde inside my head now too? Has a memo gone round saying it's perfectly all rigth to treat me as though I am dumb as a doorpost? Israel is just a physical place? WHA?? Wha-fucking what??

It has turned bad, it has turned ugly, it has turned vile. It matters to me, desperately, bcs I'd never be this insensitive, this selfish, this oblivious to anyone's feelings. Even as I flirted with the idea of ringing my surfer now I was considering the logistics of it all and the need to not go to places where E. could see us bcs really, theres' no need to trample someone's feelings, ever. AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!!! Are you laughing with me? Oh please do bcs I am so stupid as to be pitiable. I am shocked to my fucking core and did you know, I found out I have a deep, deep core and it's all ablaze. My best friend was here - fun night, her father has been terminally ill and we just found out he died, he was never much of a father but he was the father she had, she's ringing people as I type an cheering me on, oh but this will be a day to forget forever and always - and we went out for dinner (her) and coke (me), she drove bcs my motor coordination is pretty much non-existent at the moment, and she actually grabbed my drink at one point bcs I was shaking all over and the ice rattling inside was unnerving her.

This really isn't abt love, this is abt common human decency. Love? HA! What little I had left has been blown to smithereens and listen, LISTEN, it can happen that fast, this changes everything forever and has indelebly tainted what we were, I cannot look back and cherish anything, nothing, it's all gone. Israel? ISRAEL?? He wrote just a short while ago that, and I quote, he couldn't possibly NOT do something just to spare me the pain. He calls it "transformation and evolution". I know exactly what he can do with his evolution. And I could write loads and try to explain to you why this is so shocking but really, former Loverboy says it so much better than I ever could. This is the official end of the category formerly known as L-Word, L standing firm for "Look how I fucking wasted two years of my fucking life".

Not ringing my surfer? Am I mental? Not ringing a man who is such fun to be with, who has always, always looked at me like he could never have enough, that's how I once realised he was walking towards me, I was with a friend and she said "Good God, don't look now but there's a very hot man looking at you like he wants to EAT YOU NOW" and there he was, a man who makes me feel this wanted, who understands where I am right now and doesn't demand anything from me that I cannot give? Mental. I am tired of acting lik a girl, I think I need to be more of a bloke now, fuck loyalty, fuck memories, fuck you, no really, fuck you BIG. Never did I imagine I'd ever have to write such a post abt E. - never ever ever ever - but really, it's also that it would very much help if you could have my back bcs I feel more than a bit disintegrated.

The dead come in so many shapes don't they, I have had practice in burying them all, my migraine is killing me, circle your wagons, long live the fucking King -

- and in the words of a wise, wise man: NEXT!

17 furballs:

Udge said...

Woot! (as the cool kids all say)

Good for you (in both senses). Go kick some sand in Murphy's dumb insolent grin.

Diana said...

Home is good. Mostly. Time to wrap yourself in it for a bit.

CarpeDM said...

Enjoy the hysteria and beat the heck out of Murphy. Love ya!

Aurelia said...

Good for you, take care of yourself.

Am I allowed to laugh at your cat picture on the side here?

Diana said...

Well. That's just cold and cruel. Is he mean? Really selfish? Both? I'm guessing selfish as he would have preferred that he could have just gone and not have you find out about it.

As if.

Take comfort where you can. The Brazilian sounds lovely, but tread that path with care, dahling. The wounds are raw and throbbing and likely will for quite some time.

You are right, though, you've no need to play nice and spare a thought for any feelings of his. Clearly, he has none for yours.

I am so sorry for the ugliness. You don't need that. No one does, but especially not you. Not now. Not ever.

Sarah said...

It doesn't excuse it, but I think very few women and a lot of men would do the same thing. I know my Portuguese man would. They compartmentalize to justify doing bad stuff.

There is a word in Japanese, that, like "saudade", doesn't really translate...gambatte.

brooksba said...

Oh. This is not right. I'm upset for you. I like what Diana said. Don't spare anyone's feelings. I don't know if you should call the Brazilian. Might be worth hanging out and sharing with a friend. Just don't get taken for a ride.

I miss you. Love you. Now I really wish we could have an all night girls gab fest.

Oh, DM is going to be over on Friday night/Saturday day/night, if you want to set up a time to chat, let us know. I have a headset now, but I'm not sure if it works completely yet. I bought it just in case we could talk. So I bought it for you. Over a year ago.

Dahling, I want to give you a big hug. And I'm not a hugger. That means you're special.

Manuela said...

Oh, bloody fucking hell. I might be back later to offer something more evolved and enlightened, but right fucking now I'm just MAD... bloody MAD. How DARE he... I mean... how DARE HE!! How can he be so fucking OBTUSE!!! ARe they also going to go to Thailand as a side-trip while they're at it??? Fuckers. I mean, wouldn't THAT just be the cherry on the freaking sunday.

Let me think about something more helpful to say... in the meanwhile stop reading this comment and go shag the HOT fucking Brazilian as you so RIGHTLY deserve. Because you ARE a Goddess... you know I've always thought that you are simply divine, and it's about fucking time that you are physically worshipped as such.

Carry on.

Udge said...

(That was me, self-editing. Sorry.)

Yes, it is quite singularly shitty behaviour on his part; beyond shittiness, it shows a surprising lack of empathy and decency. Greedy little bugger, just like a child who wants to have more bigger everything now.

Bah. You deserve better than that. And you should and will get it too.

Hugs and headbutts, dear Johnny. Alles wird gut, wenn wir nur lang genug leben.

Udge said...

And for what little it's worth: take the trip off hold. Just do it.

Patience said...

Here in Australia we have a word to describe a man like that - wanker. Plain and simple.

I'm so sorry he has betrayed you this way.... x

Agent Sierra said...

I was in a two-year relationship with a man, when it ended in a similar way. There was another woman in the picture, but he assured me that, because she was in another part of the country that nothing was wrong. Two weeks after the relationship ended, he decided to fly her up to our college so that she could spend the week. I got to watch them in front of me for a whole week, because it was a small private school in a rural area.

Breakups turn good people into monsters. I think you're honorable for trying not to do anything that hurts you or him, but I think selfish behavior is a part of the healing process.

Go romp with the beautiful Brazilian if it will make you feel better. As long as it's not self-destructive, do whatever makes you feel better.


Aurelia said...

L sucks donkey balls. Most asinine story ever about a man. Sometimes I wonder how the human race ever perpetuated itself?

Shag the Brazilian but in Portugal. I'm going against the tide here and saying don't go to Israel right now, and not with the new man. Israel is not "just a physical place" (I am shaking with anger over that comment.) It is too special to go there and revenge shag all over the country. Go there because you love the place, go with joy and celebration on your heart, or don't go there at all.

If you go now, go with saudade and try to heal, just not revenge, because that will taint the place for you. Take care sweetie.

noorster said...

Darling, I just want you to know how sorry I am and how incomprehensible it is that anyone would want to hurt you like that. I wish I knew the magic formula to mend a broken heart, but I guess there's no formula other than time. You're in for some difficult times, but remember the multitudes who love you, who adore you, who'd never hurt you. And please remember we're waiting for you with open arms (and doors) if you change your mind. Trust me, it's a big enough country for the two of you.

(Sorry for some reason turned into cliche factory. But I still mean all of the above.)

cat said...

Somehow the tenor of your writing lately showed this loss... I dreamed you left him the other night and came here to see what happened. And here you did... holy shit.

Does the title fit any more perfectly than before?

Sending you some good things through the waves.

Nancy said...

Oh, I'm sorry Lioness. He is being a total shit.

Don't give him the power to take Israel from you. Where he goes and with whom and when.......irrelevant. He is irrelevant.

And if he ever comes within my reach he will be very sorry.

Lord Chimmy said...

Wow. Where have I been?!

This story is a regular Greek tragedy. To be stabbed in the back by someone you once loved...it is the worst kind of betrayal. But, for someone to try to justify their betrayal (to make himself feel better) is just salt in the wound.

I'm sorry this mess has been thrust upon you. I don't know what words offer comfort in these situations. I don't think there really are any words. But, for the love of all that is good, don't allow yourself to be completely obliterated. You will mend...

And, I would say wait a while before you give the Brazilian a call. Give yourself some time to heal.