14 March 2007

Alive, unispired, fed up with testes


I'm feeling better - because I have been sleeping better and more, as simple as that, and I no longer want to rip the hair off my scalp with a plier. Or my eyes. And nails. Mostly, all those long weeks of uninterrupted studying crashed upon me and I was left feeling sucked and exploited to the bone. I'd managed to convince myself that exams were over - remember that? That was sane of me - and then realised I had two more and then school was in full progress and we could all be found crawling the halls and wondering aloud what genius had chosen the very first week post-official exams for some more. Yes, I do want to become a vet, I simply hoped that there would be more actual learning involved and less bulk memorising of the fleeting sort and I still deeply resent the fact that we spend 2 months sitting exams every semester, if other schools do it differently and effectively, why can't we? Why? WHY WHY WHY?

Hormones now give me a real fright as well and I can very well understand, physically understand, how women go absolutely barmy with pregnancy or PPD, especially when combined with lack of or poor sleep. Remember the rogue boob? Well, my period came - the dawn of the night shift actually bcs vet work will not dirtify you enough, apparently - and this month's been a hormonal mystery, I've found myself screeching like a harpy and that naver happens, I never even thought I had PMT but I was proven wrong this month, oh I truly could not recognise myself. The strangeness persists, I feel as though I'm abt to have my period still. You know that hazy, stretchy feeling in your loins? That's the one. It's not mittelschmerz bcs my lower back doesn't hurt and it always does, and it's D12, too soon for that anyway. And yesterday my left nipple was terribly itchy for about an hour - same boob, still rogue, only differently now but it still worries me. I've been trying to book an appointment with the doctor for two days and will try again today. Haven't seen her since the miscarriage anyway and it's been almost a year.

Need more proof that even though it's no longer technically a full moon, it really is? My skin has exploded again AND the super muscle relaxant I was prescribed (neck and shoulder still hurting a lot since the night shift) is simply terrific, and I did wake up the next day with hardly any pain. But something's not right when you fall asleep craddling a small bucket in case you experience the 4th spontaneous vomit of your life. I took it and went about my business and after about an hour I started feeling dizzy and nauseated, and it became truly bad. My friend read the possible side effects and intense nausea and vomiting were listed but I've never in my life had a side effect with any medication and wasn't sure that could be it bcs surely no little pill could make me feel that horrid, surely it was the soup, so the day before yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain again and decided to give it a try, and out came the bucket, just in case. Beware of Zal*diar! Since I've taken paracetamol bfr with no problems, it must be the trama*dol - which is funny if you speak Portuguese bcs really, tramada [basically fucked, in the Murphy sense of the word] is exactly how I felt. This time I was smarter and had my friend ring Shrimpy, my dr. friend, who advised Motil*ium, and do you know, it did help loads. Now I'm scared of trying a new muscle relaxant but the truth is, the Volta*ren + Val*ium combination isn't doing much for me anymore. What all do you take for your muscular aches and pains, any suggestions?

Took a quick break to go make a cappucino. Sorry Diana, it really is the Nes*cafe one, it tastes good to me. Plus, I need the caffeine, fell asleep early and woke up at 5 am feeling awake for the 2nd day in a row - personal best! And birds are singing outside.

Finally, the fact that I am turning 36 on Sunday hit me LIKE A TIDAL WAVE [Ha! And you thought I no longer had it in me. Incidentally, dreams about Uzi where someone is also trying to force me to drown kittens do not induce frolicking in the meadows.] It's not turning 36 per se, I'm fine with that. Really, I don't feel 36 - but I do feel that a 36-year-old should have accomplished a lot more by now. I'm still in school and not doing that well either, most exams are a bloody struggle, I'm not making much money, I don't have a family yet, I don't know if I can have a family at that, I don't have a career and it will be a while bfr I can even begin one and that career depends on my knowing a lot of things, on which animal lives will depend, and I seriously know nothing, NOTHING. I am grateful that I found out what I truly wanted to do for the rest of my life early enough that I could go back and do it but this is not how I pictured myself at 36, and the dissonance grates. I'm a bit tired of always being the squarepeg is what I mean, and I often wish I could be a bit more like all others.

But I'm sleeping more and no longer seem to have vast quantities of oestrogen cursing though my system and really, I'm all better. These past two days I woke up rosy, if you can believe that, all aglow and soft-petalled with morning dew. If only the surgeries I have to attend could be anything other then horse castrations, AGAIN. I'm so fed up with testes - and horses! - I could scream. In 2 hours I'll go open up poultry in the hopes of finding some really, really juicy parasites and believe me, THAT is something to look forward to. I promise you pictures if I'm that lucky.

[Aren't you thrilled that every time I get my head above the water I write loads? And not only loads - but so interestingly? Oh you're welcome.]

16 furballs:

brooksba said...

God, you're brilliant. I know that you're writing about frustrations and venting, but you are so damn good at writing.

I've been noticing your birthday approaching. Wish DM and I could be there to celebrate with you. Really wish that.

You've really been on almost every med out there, haven't you? I hope the instant vomiting never occurs again. That would freak me right out.

And Loverboy bringing up things from four months ago in a fight? That's not fair. Only women are allowed to do that.

Love you Dahling!

Patience said...

Eeeekkk! Tramad0l did EXACTLY the same thing to me the one time I took it! Was v disgusting....

And yes, you are interesting and I love it when I see a new post from you! x

Diana said...

Happy almost freakin' birthday, Dahling!!!

Me? For muscle relaxers, I usually go with Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine) if I want the person to be sleepy, Skelaxin (metaxolone) if I don't. Tramadol is actually a pain med rather than a muscle relaxer. (I will never again be able to say it with a straight face, especially if using it on a little old church lady.) Pity the Valium is no longer doing the job.

I swear LB is related to Charles. Brothers under the slovenly skin. Long ago, after a rather horrible fight over housework, too, I finally decided that there was no way I was going to change him as it truly didn't bother him, living with coffee cups that waved back and dirty socks ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER (I ask you!). I spend my life picking up after him, but it's better than hating and screaming at him for something that so clearly bothers me but not him.

Damn them.

Aurelia said...

Aghh, sorry things are not quite 'there' yet.

Well, for muscle inflammation, topical antiinflammatory might help? Diclofenac sodium liquid 1.5% rubbed onto my sore muscle tendon, bone is much better, no barfing.

For long-term muscle spasm, Botox injection, pain will be gone and not return for months, if ever.

But systemically, I think you have a fungal infection like yeast or something. Itchy nipple, hormones wild, breast swelling, then going back to normal, abdominal pain...no I'm not a Dr. but I've had systemic yeast, and gotten rid of it. And no you wouldn't always see yeast evidence down below to have it in the rest of the body.

See your Doc, get some tests. And take a hug from me!

Orodemniades said...

Maybe it's time to pee on a stick?

Anonymous said...


Udge said...

Good luck with the muscles and barfing, I hope that this is cleared up by Sunday so that you can enjoy your birthday in comfort and ease.

Thirty-six is a fine age to be a square peg. I hate to say this but it's true: you will always be a square peg, you will never be "like the others" because you think and feel too much. The way to be one of the others is to realize just in time that you really want to be a vet, but stick with being a legal secretary because that's what you've trained for. (Just an example! I have nothing against legal secretaries!)

FWIW I am 48 and feel that I should have accomplished a lot more by now.

Take care, be good, get better.

(And Orodemniades seems to have a shorter-than-usual attention span :-)

Lioness said...

Beth, thank you but really? This post was brilliant? Maybe you need a holiday - oh I know, fly here! And I actually haven't taken almost every med out there. I took a lot of antibiotics as a child bcs I was always sick, but these days it's mostly the sleep-inducer, muscle relaxants (and these rarely) and the odd painkiller. Oh, and deworming medicine, of course. I'm really resistant to taking any more drugs, I think my childhood saw enough of that. And this time I ALMOST did vomit, but not quite. A definite blessing.

Patience, you poor thing - isn't it vile?? And thank you! I'm always surprised by what others find interesting.

Diana, I meant fucked as in "I'm good and fucked". Not quite biblically, sorry if I wasn't clear. I remember Charles' proclivities from that post about Emanuel, yes. And do you know, I'd reached the same conclusion already, and hope that he'll maybe, hopefully, some day, will follow by example. Oh, and I think I'll try the valium + stronger voltaren if the pain gets worse, this was a weaker one. Good to know abt Flexeril, in case I should ever want to feel sleepy. WHICH I DOUBT, of course.

Aurelia, I'd never try Botox for this and I don't think there's a dr in the country who'd prescribe it. It's not really long-term if I break the cycle soon enough. I was in a car accident, hit from behind, and broke a cervical vertebra just a tad, and had to wear a neck brace for almost a year on and off and was left with severe muscle atrophy etc, and my column never really recovered. I often cramp up in my sleep and have yet to find the pillow. Now, regarding Candida, that actually makes more sense than you know - it's been said that psoriasis and candida are heavily linked, and I've been thinking of having some coprology done for a while now, just to check it. Didn't know it could give you itchy nipples though! It was only for abt an hour, and it wasn't abdominal pain, more like gently ovarian waving. Are you sure??

Oro, I finished my period a good few days ago and my breasts shrunk back to normal, I'd have to be a miracle wonder. I'm usually on the other side of that.

Anonymous, how articulate and expansive! You mean...?

Udge, yeah, was afraid of that. I think you've accomplished loads though! Wouldn't it be nice if we could see ourselves as others do every once in a while? I reckon there'd be less need for therapy. Oh, and by the morning the side effects are gone so I'm more than fine now. Have decided to postpone celebrating till the Summer though, need some heat, bloody cold is too much for me. So, only family on Sunday.

Lilian said...

Well... I'll happily read the loads, especially if they mean you're happy.

Hmmm, yeah, 36, I'll turn 36 in July, that means you're a little less than 4 months older than me. I hear you on your worries... But I'm sure things will turn out all right. The most important thing is that you know what you're going to do with your life, That's what really matters.

Aurelia said...

I'm 100% sure itchy nipples are a symptom, (although it usually could last longer) basically any part of the body with a mucus membrane can show symptoms. (I had this when breastfeeding my youngest, we were both on meds forever, because we kept passing it back and forth, hard to get rid of, gentian violet worked in the end.)
As for Botox, isn't it funny the differences in countries? It is standard treatment in Canada (govt. paid for) for children with cerebral palsy who have atrophied muscles and spasms, also MS patients with muscle spasms etc., and people like me and you who have had car accidents and muscle problems like you describe.
I don't know if it would work for you, yours sounds complicated, but the idea is that you do physio after the injections, to allow the muscle to gradually strengthen, and the surrounding ones to get back to normal flexibility.

I hope I explained that right? Hope it helps?

candace said...

No WAY you're turning 36. You don't look any older than, like, 24 in pictures. I'M 36 and I don't look 24! Not fair!

So much to summarize from your post, will make it short: hope all is better!

Anonymous said...

YAYYY! you're back! and poor me hiding under a pile of books and notes, type type typing away. I'm really sorry to hear that your back/arm/shoulder are causing problems again...

I second Flexeril. It's been a godsend for my miserable arthritis-induced muscle spasms. It works wonders. It also makes me incredibly drowsy, not to mention oh-so-pleasantly *happy!* about everything around me, so I only take half a tablet, and even then only right before bed, because it's just as effective as the valium dear Shrimpy (at least, I assume that's the MD friend you're referring to) saved my life with way back when. Sleep comes easy now.

The Flexeril is so effective that I don't even take pain meds at all anymore. (Or maybe it's the acupuncture? Thank you again for pressuring me to try it.)

[Forgot my password again, but surely you know who this is?]

Orodemniades said...

Listen, a girl I knew had periods through her 5th month of pregnancy - she didn't even know she was pregnant, she just thought she was feeling under the weather!

And, someone I worked with had itchy nipples before she poas'd, so, ya know. I'm just sayin'.

Lioness said...

Oro, but I feel so normal, and everything is going as it should. As a matter of fact, the mucus says I should actually be ovulating very, very soon. It'd be too bizarre. But you definitely got my knickers in a twist - and it's 4 am and I have nowhere I can go to at this hour to buy a test! Must go google poas.

Lioness said...

Never mind, never mind, I remembered, that's right.

Eh. Surely this can't be right.
UPDATE: it isn't. Negative.

Sarah said...

So it WAS full moon!

(Is my husband the only Portuguese alive that doesn't fight with words, words, words and lots of words??? He fights with a minimum 24 hours of silence. Oh, how I hate it.)