13 February 2007

The Vagina Dialogue


I will be taking the Reproduction lab exam in 5 hours [NOTE: done! Passed! Horse castration, exactly what I was hoping I'd get - couldn't orientate testes to save my life but at least didn't get lost in the shed.] and have been surfing the net for almost 2 looking for a site that will teach me how to properly assemble an artifical vagina. It's been a very sobering experience. I have learnt loads of things, though sadly none related to veterinary medicine. We are a rather peculiar species - I mean, HelloKitty vaginas? HELLOKITTY VAGINAS?? For pity's sake.

How am I faring? This exam and one more on Friday and then 5 blissful days buried in books bfr school starts again, books which, I may add, regardless of how thick they may be, I WILL NOT BE REQUIRED TO MEMORISE. And, I will probably leave the flat as well! What will I do with myself, I'll probably just kip over. The other day I woke up and shuffled into the living-room. E. took one look at me and said
Gosh but those bags under your eyes are huge! Welcome to the pleasuredom, I said, vet school at your service. Truthfully, I was a bit surprised because I'd taken a look in the mirror and actually thought I didn't look half bad considering it's been over a month of non-stop exams, I thought I looked positively alive. Meh.

Anyway, what I wanted to tell you abt was this, my semen collection lesson with live beasts. It was a fully energy-charged thing, as you're abt to see. Basically, mare in heat waiting, stallion walks [ha!] in and prepares to mount her and as he's abt to someone steps in
really close with an artificial vagina and collects the semen. The stallion's approach is not always... effective, shall we say. Notice how close to the animals we stand, notice how fast my professor is moving and how he is not wearing a helmet, and above all look at that stallion, especially in the first picture, JUST LOOK AT HIM. I mean, I was there and even I was shocked when I saw these pictures*. It's bloody impressive, that's what it is.

I can't wait to be a vet!

[*not taken by me, taken by some colleague, so if said colleague happens to find me - eeeek! - apologies.]

22 furballs:

brooksba said...

Only on your site would I find pictures of collecting equarian semen. Love it! I hope the exam in 5 hours is fair and you leave feeling confident about it. Miss you and enjoy the non-memorizing reading. You deserve some happy material to let your mind wander and discover.

Udge said...

Whatever floats your boat, my dear...

Nice to find you in a happy mood again.

Lioness said...

No no no, I don't want large animals, and certainly not large animal reproduction, but it is all so interesting, even when it's not! It's fucking gorgeous really - and one day I'll be paid to do it, can you imagine??

Though seriously - aren't these pictures amazing, especially the first two? I know I'm biased but good God that stallion bombs!

Diana said...

They are beautiful, aren't they. And so very, very (what's the word I'm looking for?) LARGE.

Yes. So very large.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for the mare. She seems a patient sort in the pictures. The stallion seems pretty but sort of young and dumb. Much sweaty fumbling and awkward positions.

Lioness said...

She's not patient, she's eager - see how she's urinating and how her back legs are bent and spread and her tail is high? The stallion got what he wanted in the end, she did not - and THAT is why you should feel sorry for her, all randy and nowehere to go.

Aurelia said...

Oh Lioness, the things I read in blogland...I needed to feel cheered up and distracted by something COMPLETELY different, and here you are.
After you are done these exams, just wanted to know what you thought about the referendum, BTW. And what do women do right now? Travel to another EU country?

Lioness said...

Oh Aurelia, I'm delighted, on Sunday I actually felt proud of us. How ever did you hear abt that?? They're studying ways to implement the law here now. At least no more women will go to jail now. As I said, I'm proud of what we chose to do.

noorster said...

I first saw these pictures on your flickr account and thought the sideways pose was accidental and had a good laugh about it all, but now I'm just weepy. So much anticipation and only the stallion gets some. How disappointing.

CarpeDM said...

Eh. Welcome to my life, mare. That pretty much was my entire sex life, you know, back when I had sex. Much anticipation and then nothing.

Horses are pretty.

And Hello Kitty vaginas? Are you kidding me? I know you're probably not but I'm so very scared.

Kisses! And much congratulations on the exam. You so rock.

silene said...

What I love about this blog is that I find combinations of words that I don't find anywhere else in my day, Like "horse castration". Indeed.

Hope the exam went well. Enjoy your journey outside!

brooksba said...

Way to go on your exam! I'm so happy for you!

portuguesa nova said...

Ditto Aurelia...yay for Portugalia!! I'm still confused if my family and the people they run with are atypical, becuase I was shocked that it passed by as little a margin as it did....in the mean time, states here are outlawing it all over again. Woo-hoo!

Even coming from farm country where my best friend from elementary school was able to say (with a straight face) "my dad gets cows pregnant for a living", I couldn't help but cringe at these photos. I guess there's something a little more shocking about two horses having sex than my friend's dad with a cow and a big long glove....

My image of vets is of a woman or man in a white coat petting a shiny white cat on a sterile table. I'd like to keep it that way.

And about that whole Ask Moxie site...why doesn't she have a talk show?????

beri said...

Saw it, loved it, laugh a lot! He´s quite a site! Thank you so much for existing, my life would be a lot more boring without you!
Be strong, ok? It´s almost over!!

JoeinVegas said...

Good work on the exam. Was that you pickup guys in the local bar to practise on beforehand?

Bumble said...

Well, now that was an experience!! Thanks for showing me something I thought (hoped?) I'd never see! That poor mare, all dressed up with nowhere to go, while the male gets all the fun!
But the stallion is beautiful I must say.

Thanks for your comment on my blog, its lovely to hear from you. I was also thinking about you on V-Day (not in a groovy sort of way!) but because I knew its a sad day for you. hugs.

Jacob Da Jew said...

All I can say "WOW" . Cool blog. First time here.

Manuela said...


Firstly... my sympathies immediately go to the mare. That poor mare. All hobbled and just having peed herself from with I would only presume to be fear. And then there's that HORRIFIC blue dildo sticking out of her backside. Shaking head. As though being assailed by that, that log of horse meat just simply wasn't enough.

Secondly. The purpose of this collection would be???

Panda said...

Dear god.

And Manuela...thats not a dildo, its her TAIL! *rolls eyes*

Lioness said...

Noors, yes, the sideway approach is not how it's meant to be, for obvious anatomical reasons. Poor mare.

Dana, I had to laugh. And I'm very serious abt the HK vaginas. Eek.

Silene, your comment made me laugh as well bcs horse castrations are such a big part of my day.

PN, for us that was NOT a small margin, it was a rather decent one. Also, absentism is rampant in the country but it was still a very good outcome, all things considered. I suspect your friend's father was more of a galoches and coverall man. He'd have to be. Also, I really had to think for a few seconds bfr I could seen why him getting cows pregant would be funny. Some vets even do clitorial massages to ensure semen progression in some species. Now THAT's funny. And re Moxie, I KNOW!

Oh Beri, you're very welcome! And it IS over for a little while at least. Well, small exam on Wedn but then bliss till May. Of sorts.

Joe, er, no. No no no.

Bumble, it's hardly fair is it. And it often happens this way. OTOH, the mare is not given any venereal diseases. That's something, yes? And it's sweet of you to remember.

Jacob da Jew, thanks. In vet school I do the "wow" thing plenty.

Oh Manuela, where to start. And I thought I didn't know much abt horses! She is peeing bcs she wants to be mounted, as simple as that, not bcs she is afraid, you silly woman. How would there still be any horses around otherwise? It's done bcs some of my professors thrive on standing really close to humungous randy stallions and mares in heat whilst shoving an artificial vagina up his penis, they find it relaxing.

All right, it's for artificial insemination. Also, it helps evaluate the semen in terms of fertility, and to check for venereal diseases or other types of diseases (say, prostatitis in the dog, or tumours). It's useful also if the stallion and the mare are geographically separated (semen will be shipped), or if the stallion has some problem that will prevent him from doing a full mount, or if we want to avoid infecting excellent breeders with VD. Incidentally, surrogacy is very common in mares bcs some mares have good genes but are sometimes unable to carry full-term (but then embryos are transferred, not the eggs).

Lioness said...

Panda, what, you don't think it's fabulous?? Manuela has a sick little mind, yes.

haKiruv said...

wow. Just...wow.

Anonymous said...

You searched everywhere for an artificial vagina design? Here's the mother of all designs:


Looks to be basically what they use for the horses, but scaled WAY DOWN to fit a human male. How humbling!