06 January 2007

The post that couldn't possibly be called anything

Do you know how long I've been staring at this screen for?


Well fuck, forcefully then.

Am annoyed, am very annoyed. I can't study at all, at least not effectively, I look at my books and it’s like Book, I’m Just Not That Into You. The first exam is on Monday only I will not be sitting it, oh no why bother, I’ll take it at the end of the month which means that if I fuck up that’s it, there goes my September. And most of my August, studying. And considering exams end at the very end of July, DO YOU SEE MY PREDICAMENT?

The dog, the dog, the fucking dog. Do you know what it feels like, living with a perfectly neurotic dog? Said dog had a rather rough start in life, she was born on the streets and she really isn’t the sort that would fare well, nevermind that she was just a puppy then. Dog then is run over and lands her sorry arse in our vet hospital, with a broken leg. Dog is then left un-operated in a cage for 2 months till students realise something is amiss and realise she didn’t have surgery bcs she’s an indigent, and then we get our shit together and collect money and dog has surgery, finally, but the joint is shot to hell by now, of course, so leg is totally bent and atrophied. Then dog keeps hopping around on weekends from student home to student home bcs there’s no one in the hospital then, all not very conducive to mental stability in a normal dog, let alone a co-dependent one, and finally she comes to me for an extended weekend, that has been going on for 1527 days, give or take. So, highly neurotic and dependent, extremely so.

Dog is prone to scratching herself and then yelping with fear bcs her paw scared her.

Dog is afraid of, on a good day: cameras, umbrellas, the hoover, big plastic bags, black children [only black though, which she’ll pursue barking like the hound from hell if she manages to break free, turning the child into a screaming puddle and please remind me again of how much I love the dog bcs really, REALLY!, if some dog did that to my child I’d flay them alive], occasionally laptops being carried, a different arrangement of pillows, brooms, and recently, the lower corner of the bed AND the heater, bcs the thermostat clicks.

This heater proclivity started exactly 3 days ago, it must have been one click too many, poor canine brain flipped and dog started shaking and whimpering and exiting room on her belly. Imagine, if you will, the following 3 hours – THREE HOURS – filled with dog approaching doorway and peeking carefully into living-room and fleeing, crying, and then more crying would ensue, of the sort that causes you to get up for the fuckth time and go check on dog but dog was not to be consoled, and eventually, as was to be expected, dog lost her final little marbles and I started hearing a huge ruckus in the office and decided to go investigate, and anyone who has pets or small children can picture my face, filled with optimism I go investigate only to see something I still have a hard time believing, dog had managed, all 16 Kgs of her, to climb onto the office desk, and could be found half sitting on the little ikea support thingy on wheels next to it, and half on the side cupboard, one front paw on either side of the printer. Dog, dog, dog, remind me again of how much I love you… The reason I do not have a picture if this is, I fear what she’d have done upon seeing the much camera, I’m sure she’d have hurt herself. So now I freeze, which is brilliant and adds to my chipper mood. I’m a one-man Snoopy dance.

Dog is now lying next to me shaking, possibly bcs of the noise I make typing this, which could make a grown man cry. Like this, only more so: 
© Beth


19 furballs:

brooksba said...

Dahling, how, how, HOW do you do this? For no particular reason, I saw a shovel the other day and thought of you. I couldn't quite place why a shovel would remind me of you, but then I remembered that you could write about anything, ANYTHING, and make it "eyes-glued-to-the-page/screen."

Poor Papoila and poor you. When our dog Chip was little, he was quite skittish, not as much as Papoila. You feel so bad for them, wanting to comfort them and then just wanting them to get rational and give.it.up.already.its.just.a.noise.ARGH!

Wow, your heater started up? You don't normally have that happen each winter - do you? I thought that you usually don't have that cold of winters that the heater would kick on.

Best of luck on the pregnancy attempts - at the very least enjoy the practice. I can't believe I just wrote that, but I did. I'll be hoping for you.

And Dahling, the phrase, "managed to find our gonads in proximity," was brilliant.

Love you!

CarpeDM said...

Wow. Poor Papoila, all nerves and quivers. I had a dog, Gabers, once who would bark like the Mongolian Horde was descending upon us. And I would run outside to see what what the matter and there would be a frog. Or a leaf. I hope she calms down soon, because poor you having to deal with the cries. Although the image of her on top of the desk is priceless.

I hope all goes well with the pregnancy attempts...at least, should you get your gonads aligned.

Good luck with your tests, I'll be thinking of you.



Aurelia said...

I've just gone back and read about your pregnancy and your loss. Oh your writing was so real, and I understand your reluctance to even think about trying again.
I don't know if this means anything, but I've always found labour to be a dramatically different experience than a miscarriage on the pain scale. Labour, would you believe, is easier! Anyway, I hope all goes well with the attempting and the tests.
And I hope your poor dog destresses a touch!

Anonymous said...

How is it possible for one to write such PERSONAL and INTIME stuff on a public webpage ?

Udge said...

Anonymous: you're new here, right? You ain't seen nothin' yet, to coin a phrase.

Dear Lioness, I'm laughing so hard that I almost forgot to feel sad about what you were actually describing. Big hugs, and good luck re-aligning those gonads.

Lioness said...

Beth, is that a joke? My heater started up? MY HEATER STARTED UP?? It's on every bloody winter bcs we have no, I repeat: NO central heating! We freeze everyhwere! All winter! And we have cold waves, which kill people every year bcs, again, no heat anywhere! I know Germans who came to Portugal in the winter and fled to the Algarve bcs they couldn't cope w the cold - Germans! Also, if I ever get around to remodelling, I'll include a shovel in the banner, in your honour.

Dana, it's a lot like planets aligning, isn't it. The leaf thing? Sadly, I can relate. They're demented. And the Mondolian horde descending? Oh it's briliant!

Aurelia, bless you, bcs I don0t think I could go through that unmedicated again, if I have to bring drugs myself. You know it's funny, I re-read the post as well and was surprised by how much i'd forgotten. Glad I wrote it.

Anon, *sigh*. You've inspired a post, that will be written when I have time. I'll try to refrain from writing abt the dog again, so as not to bruise your susceptibility again.

Udge, what?? I really didn't think I disclose all that much. Or better said, there's LOADS I don't talk abt, so much more than what i actually say. That was surprising!
(Say, how would you translate "spiessig"?)

Nancy said...

Oh Lioness,

Special dogs need special owners, bless you.

Our dog Chuckles (aka Charles, Charlie, Chuck-a-duck, Chuckle-head, Chuck-a-poo(he's got an affinity for the kitty litter-eeww), and Chuck) doesn't like to be left at home. Even with the cat to keep him company, he does things like eat phone books.

Here's to dogs with issues, they do make us feel useful, don't they?

Ana said...

I hope everything goes smoothly this time around. I'm hoping for a playmate for M and R very soon.
I know how scary it is to try after a loss but if I did it you will too.


Meri-ann said...

You, my friend- are too divine; that gorgeous little dog of yours is so lucky to have you.

I had to snort with the whole chandelier/nostril thing- and the gonads too; I truly hope that they become aligned soon and that wonderful things happen.... x

Diana said...

Aargh. I've been trying to leave a comment for 3 days now and LIFE keeps biffing me before I can compose something and hit 'publish'.

...and I now have no idea what I was going to say.

Except: Jolly Good! The baby experiment, I mean. Not so jolly about the neurotic dog, scrumptous though she is.

Ed said...

Sounds like our totally mad greyhound. She looks a bit like a greyhound in that photo, too (not in other photos, though).

Hope you get your gonads aligned soon!

Panda said...

Aurelia...labour easier? Those two words individually make sense, but together...?

How could a dog be forgotten about in a vet hospital for two months? My mind is boggling right now, can you hear it? Kudos for taking him in and being a good puppy mamma to him, the poor darling.

Lord Chimmy said...

My dog was totally crazy much like Papoila. So much so that I had to have her live with my parents because my dog would become a little Godzilla in my absence. However, once she got socialized with another dog she got really well behaved. Sure, she still yelps from time to time when she sees her shadow, but she is MUCH better now.

That picture of your dog is so cute.

I also seem to have swallowed a small American person, I'm all like and Talk to the hand today.

Haha. I'm going to have to recommend no more "American" people...we are really bad for your health.

My word verification is: sexjtfe

SEX?! That has got to be a sign. Go have sex now! ;)

Udge said...

"Spiessig" Oh, tricky concept, I don't think there is a single English word that covers it. It's interesting that the Germans would have developed a word for this; I've asked before and didn't get a satisfactory translation. Perhaps it's so common among the English-speaking that it would be of no use as an insult, like saying" you ten-fingered person, you!"

"Stuffy" in the old-fashioned sense of "stuffed shirt" comes close. The dictionary says "bourgeois, philistine" but in my ears they both have strong connotations that don't properly belong.

Udge said...

BTW you can't get pregnant from toilet seats, that only works for VD.

Kristin said...

I am hoping and praying that your journey to parenthood is so much easier than you think it will be.

Anonymous said...

Montijo? If crossing the bridge is a possibility, why not Alcochete?

Lioness said...

Nancy, I'm afraid you're a much nicer person than I am, I don't feel useful, i feel desperate. Papoila never much cared for the phonebook but oh, the sofa! Books! Wallets! A mobile phone! Bras and shoes! Her first 2 years were a bleak period in my life, I thought it was snowing inside the first time I got home and found she'd eviscerated the sofa. *shudder*

Meri-Ann, thank you dahling but I'm also very lucky, she's an amazing little dog, dripping with sweetness. Everyone adores her.

Ana, from your lips...! Play dates, now wouldn't THAT be fun! And surreal. And post already.

Diana, please don't say "experiment". It must all be very natural and holy.

Ed, I think she does have some greyhound blood in her, she is quite waspy shaped and runs at a fantastic speed, even with a shorter, non-bending leg. She once played w a greyhound and even though she was left behind some she kept her own. It was one of her finest moments!

Panda, I actually thougt of you too when I read Aurelia's comment, but I dare say you had a horrendous, not so common experience. She wasn't exactly forgotten, her leg had been placed in a cast, she simply didn't have surgery bcs there's no budget for that sort of thing and it's all a bit disorganised. Still very bad though, I know. But the hospital often takes in animals and keeps them till someone adopts them, so they're at least trying. As I often say, I long for an RSPCA-like organisation here, but it will take decades.

Chimmy, hi! I've often thought she needs another dog but as it is we can barely manage to have one, our flat is turning into a small zoo and enough with animals already. Maybe some day we can adopt an adult dog that will get her into shape.

Udge, thank you! No one else (apart from Treppenwitz on an email) picked up on that - or else they thought the toilet bit was lame. I thought it was funny, as urban legends go. And yes, hard one to translate, I was hoping you had a solution, your German being so much finer than mine.

Kristin, me too! Glad to see you again, must go check if you've resumed blogging.

Anon, most of my friends live in The Line (ah!), along the coast, so if we leave Lisbon that's where we need to go. Across the river is too mad - and Montijo, of course, is the maddest.

Manuela said...

HOW? I ask you... HOW? How THE FUCK did I miss this post the first time??? As in, when you first posted it???

I swear to God it must have been some strange, what.... I don't even know the word... karmic mistake? Fuck. That's not it at all... oh bloody hell, I don't have the words. But my WORD woman... where to start?

I think it's one of my favouritist posts EVER by thy brilliantesse self.

Firstly, of course... my heart just BREAKS,BREAKS for your sweet traumatized canine. Oh, sweet girl... I just want to make her feel better, and safe, and secure... and all those things that Cesar PROMISES to us if we just take the leadership role. As Mamma to an EQUALLY fucked-up neurotic half-blind canine mess... my heart just BREAKS for the both of you! (We've actually taken to referring to Seti as the Cog of the household... because he really thinks he is a cat, first and foremost, with the annoying reality of a canine body only coming as a begrudging realization. I'm quite sure that really is the biggest part of his problem. He's a Specist. As in, hates his own species... and is therefore forever at odds with his TRUE SELF. siiiigh. I love your dog... I do... I wish I could hug and cuddle her and be appropriately assertive at the same time and somehow convey that I just GET where she's coming from.)

And... Tsunamy Day? Big Fucking NEGATIVE on the pee stick day???? siiiiggggh. Darling, I just HATE that we have a rather large country and even larger ocean between us.